The Risk of Rejection
I don’t know who asked this wonderful question. However since she asked that I write an article about it, I’m including it here.
“Often an individual is very good at identifying his or her needs, wishes and desires and very good at communicating these to a significant other, cleanly and directly, in ways the other person clearly understands.
The other person is also a good listener and communicator and feeds back an understanding of what is being requested, as well as an understanding of how important the issue is to the partner. Thus, communication does not appear to be a problem in the relationship: the message has been sent, received, and fed back accurately.
The problem arises when the answer to the request is a non-negotiable “No,” through words, behaviors, or both. Then what happens to communication?
How can people learn to deal with the “risks” of clear communication? How can they develop an appropriate response to “No” that does not discount either of the participants? Is there a “quick and dirty” answer to this question?”
The Quick and Dirty Answer:
Sometimes you just can’t get what you want.
I’m sure you’ve had the experience of communicating something very clearly to your parents when you were a teenager, and they said no anyway. It certainly seemed unreasonable to you then. You probably were angry at them for a while and then went on with your life.
You may or may not have forgiven them by now. I hope you have. They probably saw a different picture of the world than you did. You may even be grateful now, for their protection back than.
So the quick and dirty answer is to accept the no, let yourself feel angry for a while, eventually get over it and get on with your life.
The More Complicated Answer
When someone you love refuses your request for something that’s important to you, the first thing to do is to assume that s/he has a good reason for saying no. You just don’t know what the reason is.
If you are both good communicators, the process you described above could be reversed. You can become the listener and ask your partner to elaborate on the reasons s/he has refused her request. Listen respectfully to the answers; they are very important.
When you are absolutely certain you understand, the resolution may be obvious. If your significant other feels that filling your request would damage him/her in some way, you can both try to figure out if the damage would be real or imagined.
You can also figure out whether the damage to you of not having your request met is real or imagined. Once you’ve figured out both of these answers, it’s time to negotiate.
Sometimes you want something from a particular person when you could get just as much enjoyment from it with another person altogether. This may or may not be true about your request. If it is true, make an agreement that you can get what you want from or with another person.
A good example of a negotiated solution is that my husband never goes to the opera with me because he hates it. I either go by myself or with a friend.
If this is something you can only get from your partner and he or she is completely unwilling to give it to you, you must make a decision about what to do next. Your choices must take into account how important what you want really is to you. It could be important enough for you to choose to leave the relationship.
For example, a woman who wanted children chose to leave a relationship with a man who is not willing to raise children with her.
On the other hand, you may decide that the issue is not important enough to take any drastic action. It’s okay to decide that you are willing to give up something you want in order to have something that you want more.
If this is your decision, you may find yourself grieving for what you have given up. That’s a healthy and natural response and will run its course.
One of the risks of clear communication is exactly what you said; sometimes you just don’t get what you want.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Relationships,Separateness,Communication, Difficult Communication,Relationship Advice[/tags]
