What are you trying to do — make him perfect?
I know you want to protect yourself. You don’t want to ever feel this pain again — and he is to blame. So you try to keep fixing him.
What about you? Do you have any responsibility in this mess? Maybe not. You discovered his computer records — all the porn sites — or the e-mails from her. He promised to reform, but you’re on your guard — rightly.
After all, why should he reform? Why should he change? If he really cared, would he have done that? Did he even know it would hurt you? Of course he did, or why would he be hiding. He doesn’t want to get in trouble again. You are so darned hard to please. You want everything your way, and he makes mistakes. How can you possibly let go of this? How can you possibly let down your guard?
The secret is. It’s not about the past — it’s about the present and the future.
What do you want from here on? Do you have it? Have you told him? Did he understand what you meant when you told him what you wanted?
Probably not. You may think you’re being clear, but asking for “better communication” isn’t very specific.
This is better: “I want you to listen to me when I tell you what I want to do. When I tell you about a problem I want you to stop telling me how to fix it and ask me what I’ve already done. I want you to tell me whether you like or hate something instead of shrugging, no matter what I say. I want you to scratch this spot right here — where it itches — not the spot you can reach more easily. Ahaah…”
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Communication, Difficult Communication, Relationship Advice, About Relationships, Boundaries, Relationships[/tags]
