Recession-Proof Your Marriage
Disclaimer: No, I’m not a financial adviser, but you need to read this before you get any numbers.
The first thing you need to do is to tell the truth about how you feel. You’re probably scared. We’re all scared about what this means. I’m certainly scared, and I’ve been through a number of recessions.
Partly I’m scared about giving up the fantasy of safety. I’m also sort of angry about giving up the fantasy that I’m entitled to live the kind of life I have been enjoying.
The truth is we’ve all been participating in an illusion, and when we face the fact that it just isn’t going to be the way it was or the way we wanted to be, we may feel sad and angry as well as scared.
For lots of us, feeling angry isn’t OK. People do various things when they feel angry. It’s best to use it for energy to solve problems, but the problems of a recession are hard to pin down. So you might block the anger out altogether and get depressed instead — or you might let it out in destructive ways.
You could do lots of different things with angry feelings and most of them aren’t good for your marriage.
You could actually get angry at yourself or your spouse for overspending or under-earning. It’s always easier to say, “If it weren’t for you I/we wouldn’t be in this fix.” It feels relieving for a short time — and it may even be true — but it won’t do anything for your marriage if you stay stuck there.
Of course, being angry at yourself won’t help your marriage either. It will just give you an excuse to go and hide and feel like a victim. You might decide to do more for others because you don’t deserve any thing yourself. And then you’ll feel even worse. That won’t make you very attractive or supportive for your spouse.
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written by Laurie Weiss
Discuss problems as soon as you recognize their existence. Don’t pretend things are OK when they are not. Resentments that build up over time are harder to manage than the original problem.
You may think something isn’t important enough to talk about, or you may hope that the problem will go away by itself. It usually doesn’t. You may even be afraid of what your partner will do if you bring up the problem. Take the risk of talking about it calmly. Ask your partner to help figure out a solution to the problem that will work for both of you.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Think about something that has been bothering you that you don’t really want to share with your partner. Imagine the worst thing that could possibly happen if you shared it. Decide whether you want to risk that outcome. If you’re willing to take the risk, share what’s bothering you with your partner. If you’re not willing to take the risk, it might be useful to discuss the problem with a trusted friend or advisor.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: Communication, Difficult Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships
written by Laurie Weiss
Listen carefully to what your partner says. Ask direct questions until you really understand what your partner is telling you. Attentive listening is often the greatest gift you can give another person.
We’re often so busy that we barely listen to each other. When we do listen, we’re so busy figuring out what we will need to do about what’s being said or how we are going to respond, that we listen very selectively.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Take two twenty-minute time periods where you can practice attentively listening to each other. When your partner is speaking, don’t interrupt unless you don’t understand what’s being said. Ask questions only for clarification, and listen to the answers. After your partner finishes speaking, wait at least five seconds before responding.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: Relationship Advice, Communication
written by Laurie Weiss
