Amanda writes, “I have been married for only 8 months and it seems that my life revolves around my husband a lot! Help!” Leanne, depressed after her first 8 months, had virtually the same complaint. And to tell the truth, I could have said the same thing 48 years ago — if there had been anyone to say it to. It took me several years of confusion to seek help.
Myth #1. We all bought into the belief that when you get married two are supposed to become one.
Myth #2. We believed that, once we’re married our job is to make our husbands happy.
Myth #3. We believed that if we do a good enough job at Myths 1 and 2, we’ll be appreciated and our husbands will then make us happy.
Ouch! Trying to live as if these exaggerations are true is like trying to revert to a time when women were considered property. Those beliefs might have once been economic necessities but they certainly did not guarantee happiness.
When two people try to become one, each becomes only half a person. And trying to live as half a person creates misery for both parties. The half that loves to do something your husband doesn’t like at all does not go away, it just goes underground. Then it creates pressure trying to escape.
If you can manage to suppress it, you get depressed like Leanne. If you can’t suppress that part of yourself, it often erupts as anger.
The secret formula I learned is based on the idea that if you take responsibility for bringing all of yourself to a relationship you’ll be happier and so will your partner. After all, your partner married all of you — not just half.
Here is the secret formula that has made all the difference for me. It’s simple— in everything you do, every decision you make, you must consider three things. They are
· your own needs and feelings
· your partner’s needs and feelings
· what is possible in each situation.
You must each report on your own needs and feelings. Your partner can’t read your mind and shouldn’t be expected to try. What is possible may mean what is the responsible thing to do. Even if you both want and need a vacation, if you can’t afford airline tickets you may need to do something close to home.
This formula is easy to explain but takes real discipline to carry out. When you practice applying it to small decisions like what to have for dinner tonight you will be ready to use it when you face bigger challenges.
And you won’t feel as if you have lost yourself in your marriage.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Relationships,Separateness,Communication,CoDependency,Relationship Advice,About Relationships[/tags]
I do understand women's frustrations weeks or months into a marriage, when disillusionment sets in. Their husband turns out to be a controlling manipulator. He changes from a loving, caring, wonderful person, to someone who thinks the marriage is for his convenience.
When I first married I was not conscious of trying to change my new wife into my ideal, though thats exactly what I was doing. It was selfish of me , but I have since changed my ways, and now enjoy a happy relationship with my wife.
if only a fraction of the time spent planning for the wedding day and honeymoon was devoted to creating a mutually agreeable relationship, with personal boundaries within the marriage, maybe there wouldn't be so many problems later.
Ray,
Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I completely agree that part of preparation for marriage should be education about relationships. I see that we are both providing as much of that education as we can. I intend to expand on your comment about unconsciously trying to change your wife in another post.
Laurie