Add your own thoughts to the conversation only after your partner acknowledges that you understand. This slows down a difficult conversation and makes it less likely that you will say things that you will later regret.

In a heated discussion, you probably want to be absolutely sure that your partner understands your point of view. You may even be ready to explain it at length. Instead, listen carefully to your partner and share your understanding of what your partner has just communicated. When you are finished, ask, “Is that what you mean?” When your partner says yes, then, and only then, share your position.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Learn this skill before you need to use it in a “hot” conversation.  Practice telling your partner your understanding of what he/she has shared with you. Then ask whether you understood correctly. Then make YOUR own point. Make sure each one of you gets a turn in each position.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

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written by Laurie Weiss