Rosanne has given me permission to share this correspondence with you.
Thursday, 7th Hi Laurie, How does a relationship rebuild trust? My former fiancé and I had been together four and a half years when I sensed something was wrong, different, not right.
So I questioned, who he was talking to, he lied to my face denying everything. Saying that I was being crazy.
Well My fiancé (at the time) had been going behind my back and talking, texting, and emailing (from his work account) his cousin's ex-wife for over a month. During this time he proceeded to take her on a lunch date (during work hours), to the first place we had a date, and using cash from our joint checking account.
I did not learn about the lunch date from him. She called me the day I found out telling me how 'its not a big deal' etc etc.
Well needless to say I ended the engagement, moved into an apartment and tried not speaking with him.
Can this be repaired? I do not have any trust in him. He says that it was not physical, but he was emotionally cheating on me.
Thank you so much, in advance!
Rosanne ************Sunday, 10th
Dear Roseanne, You're absolutely right, he was cheating on you emotionally. The only way this would not have been cheating would have been if he had told you about the contact while it was happening.
From what you say he has no awareness at all of your point of view. If he did it might be possible to repair the relationship. But he obviously doesn't!
This is never going to get better. Don't try to rebuild this relationship. Continue your moves to get on with your life without him.
Laurie, Just a day ago I was in communication with my ex-fiancé. (Prior to reading your email response) He stated he wants to make things work with me and will work to do that. He also let me know that he knows he hurt me but that he wants to be with me.
But he cannot answer why he was going behind my back with her. All he could say was that he felt he couldn't talk to me.
This complicates things, now would you say this is a means to start mending the relationship? If so, how? Where could we begin?
Thank you again for all of your help!
Rosanne, That certainly sounds like he is taking more responsibility.
If you want any assurance that it won't happen again, he needs to know why he acted the way he did and let you know, too. Otherwise, the next time similar circumstances or feelings come up in him, he is extremely likely to repeat the behavior. In addition, he would need a plan about what he would do differently when temptation arises again.
Counseling with a good couples counselor could help. No matter what happens, it will take a long time to re-establish trust.
The question I would ask first is, what did he imagine would happen if he talked to you? You need to decide if it's worth it to you.
Good Luck. Laurie *************
Monday, 11th Laurie, Thank you so much for your help with this matter. I do value your feedback. Thank you,