In all the years I’ve been helping couples learn to communicate with each other, I’m always amazed at how many of them are frustrated because they can never finish a simple conversation. In fact many of them tell me that all conversations end in confusing arguments that only go around in circles.
Well, I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be that way. I am sad because so many relationships end in disaster because they just don’t know how to get out of the circular argument trap.
If you want to save your relationship (and I KNOW you do!) here are three stunningly simple ways to sidestep this challenge. Your conversations really can end with the feeling of completion instead of with an argument.
You may not end up in agreement but at least you will understand each other’s positions.
First you need to decide why you are having a conversation in the first place. It can be as simple as wanting to know what time your partner is going to meet you have to work. You really MUST start with the end in mind.
Second, no matter what your partner says about some other topic, you need to respond to his or her new topic AND then remember why you’re having the conversation.
Your partner may say he will have a busy afternoon because of the big project. First say “Yes, I know you’ll be busy.” Then instead of talking about why he’s busy, REMEMBER that you want to set a meeting time. If you forget this step you have already accepted his invitation to get back into the circle trap.
Third you must remind your partner about the original reason for your conversation. After sympathizing with your partner about how busy he’ll be, REMIND him that all you want to know is what time he can meet you.
Wash, rinse and repeat as necessary.
Some of the couples I’ve worked with find that they’re so addicted to this pattern that it’s necessary to come back to the original question several times before it is actually answered.
It sounds simple, and it is. But it may not be easy. If you are in the habit of just responding to the last thing that was said, you stay trapped in the confusion until you adopt this simple technique. Remember it the more you practice the easier it will be.
If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.
