Protect what is important to you. If you have a cherished collection that is yours alone, or a private journal, or tools you use for your own work, it’s fine to set clear boundaries and not allow your partner access to them.

Some people need more privacy than others. It all depends on your personality type and your family background. You may need to have a conversation, and be very explicit about what things are off limits. If your partner understands why those things are private, s/he will be more likely to honor your boundaries.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about what you each needed to do to protect your own possessions from others when you were a child.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

My husband often thinks about food at times when I am deeply involved in some other activity. That is not a problem. The problem comes when he interrupts my concentration because he wants me to think about food too.

This isn't much of a problem when we’re at home. We share a great deal of responsibility for food preparation. I am the chef and he is the sous chef. However, when I tell him to take care of himself, he does.

It's a bigger problem when we're traveling and we travel often. When he is hungry he assumes that I am hungry too. He approaches me as if I am already thinking about what he is thinking about. And I respond angrily. It's an instant response and I keep thinking that by now he should expect it.

I usually want breakfast about an hour after I wake up. He wakes up ravenously hungry and wants to eat right away. I like to read, write, or just fiddle around when I first wake up. I try to solve the problem by getting up much earlier than he does.

Often though, I'm deeply involved in something when he wakes up and says something like, "What are you thinking about breakfast?" Dammit, I am NOT thinking about breakfast at all! I'm thinking about something else and you're interrupting me! I often succeed in not saying that aloud — but not always.

When this happens, neither one of us is thinking about anything except how we feel and what we want for ourselves. We're usually feeling a little vulnerable, in an unfamiliar situation and trying to make ourselves comfortable. We're not thinking about the other or the external situation much at all.

Solving problems generally involves an awareness of your own feelings, the other person's feelings, and the external situation. In this case we were creating problems instead of solving them.

It would be easy to turn this into a bigger fight. We could each easily justify our positions and claim to be misunderstood. However, after many years of marriage, we've come to the conclusion that lots of things are not worth the effort to fight about. We usually recognize the pattern as soon as we see it, shrug and move on.

Much as we would like to be perfect, we're not and we’re not ever likely to be. Most of the time we consider each other’s feelings and most of the time things go pretty smoothly. We can relax and let good enough be good enough.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, CoDependency, Communication, Frustration, Giving Up Control, Relationship Advice, Relationships

“When I first married I was not conscious of trying to change my new wife into my ideal, though that’s exactly what I was doing. It was selfish of me…” (Excerpt from comment Ray left on 3/20/2010)

Ray isn't alone. When we first marry we're usually under the influence of our biological programming known as "being in love." In this condition all we can see is that our partner is our ideal.

It's only natural that both new husbands and new wives try to keep their new spouses matching the pictures they carry of each other in their respective minds. Of course none of us is as wonderful as our new spouse thinks we are.

Unless we're exceptionally mature when we marry, we will keep trying to make reality match our wonderful fantasy. I think that's what you mean by not being conscious of what you doing.

The really big challenge is the one that Ray has successfully mastered. His comment continues, " I have since changed my ways, and now enjoy a happy relationship with my wife."

The challenge is creating a happy relationship once the blinders come off and we see begin to see each other as the flawed human beings we really are. That takes both kindness and resourcefulness — and for many couples — outside help.

The normal cycle of relationships seems to include

•   First idealizing each other,
  
•   Then falling into a co-dependent pattern in which we each try very hard to please the other.
  
•   Next one or both of us get tired of trying so hard to be who we're not and we struggle for power to prove which one is right (That's where we often divorce or seek counseling.)
  
•   If and when we get through the power struggle we discover that we're two separate people
  
•   Finally we create a mature, loving relationship where we see and accept each other as we really are instead of as fantasy we married.
  

I've described this process in much more detail in my e-book, Being Happy Together: How to Create a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week  http://www.BeingHappyBook.com

The program in that e-book contains over 200 suggestions for activities to help you and your partner mature, loving relationship you desire and deserve.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: CoDependency, Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Separateness

She married him for better or for worse but not for lunch.

It all started when I found a delightful gentleman in his mid-70s waiting outside my front door early one morning. He dropped by because his wife told him he needed fixing. That’s often the way couples come in; one says that the other is broken. They usually make an appointment instead of just dropping by.

He knew that she was angry because a few days earlier she had demanded that he leave the house. He told me she said, “Go!” He dutifully left but couldn’t really figure out why she was so upset. He tried to spend the night in his car, the police found him and chastised him and he finally went to an inexpensive motel even though he was outraged by the price.

We decided that since he still couldn’t understand why she was so angry at him we had better ask her specifically, what about him needed fixing.

She agreed to a joint appointment with the understanding that Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, CoDependency, Communication, Relationship Advice, Self Care

Ask your partner for what you want. Contrary to popular belief, your partner cannot and should not read your mind. Asking increases the odds of getting what you want. Be specific.

Mind reading is an inexact science. Imagine going into a restaurant and telling the server “Guess what I want to eat — and if you don’t get it right, it means you don’t really love me!” Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss

Laurie

Thanks for the emails and updates. I wondered if you are aware of any support groups to work on my issues of codependency? Do people still just go to Alanon? (I recently divorced and my ex was addicted to “chat rooms”, and spending. He is a narcissist and I enabled him financially, but only came to this knowledge in counseling about one year ago. I am so ready to try to move toward healing..

Thanks for any suggestions..

V.

- – - – -

Hi, V,

Congratulations on getting on with your life. Here are some resources.

Co-dependents Anon, http://www.codependents.org/ still exists and has a meeting finder on their website. Alanon is still useful. Jonathan and I both still work with people about these issues individually either in person or by phone or Skype.

If you want to look at the Inner Child issues that made you vulnerable in the first place there are still some issues of An Action Plan for Your Inner Child: Parenting Each Other on our website, http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com/publications . Our book, Recovery from CoDependency: It’s Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood is available on Amazon.

Laurie
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Relationships, Self Care, CoDependency, Relationship Advice[/tags]

written by Laurie Weiss

Amanda writes, “I have been married for only 8 months and it seems that my life revolves around my husband a lot! Help!” Leanne, depressed after her first 8 months, had virtually the same complaint. And to tell the truth, I could have said the same thing 48 years ago — if there had been anyone to say it to. It took me several years of confusion to seek help.

Myth #1. We all bought into the belief that when you get married two are supposed to become one.

Myth #2. We believed that, once we’re married our job is to make our husbands happy. Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss

Change the behavior in yourself that you don’t like in your partner. It is all too easy to ignore things you don’t like about yourself, and instead, pay attention to how annoyed you are that your partner does those very same things. This is called projection.

We all have blind spots, things we don’t know about ourselves that others know about us. Use what irritates you about someone else’s behavior to help you discover your own blind spots, take pressure off your partner, and decide what to do next.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Make a list of things that irritate you when your partner does them. Take an honest look at your own behavior and see how you, too, do some of those things. Choose one thing that you intend to change about yourself and tell your partner what it is.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
[tags]CoDependency, Relationship Advice, About Relationships, Difficult Communication, Relationships[/tags]

written by Laurie Weiss

Make sure you ask for the acknowledgment you want from your partner. If your partner does not notice your new haircut or the amount of work you did to arrange an event, say something instead of waiting for your strokes.

Spontaneous recognition is wonderful. Some people do it well, but it simply may not occur to your partner that you need or want any acknowledgment at all. Your partner may be quite happy to give you the attention you want, once s/he understands that you want it. The recognition you get only after you ask for it still feels good.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Think of three things you wish your partner had acknowledged you for, and invite your partner to do the same thing. Take turns choosing one item from your list and telling you partner about it. Then say, “I wanted you to notice it and …hug me…cheer for me…tell me you are proud of me…bring me flowers…etc. Will you do that for me NOW?”
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
[tags]CoDependency, Relationship Advice, Communication, Self Care, Relationships[/tags]

written by Laurie Weiss

Encourage your partner to find ways do things s/he loves, even if you don’t share the same interest. You do not have to do those things if they are uncomfortable for you. There is no rule that says you must do everything together.

When relationships are new, partners often give up favorite activities in an attempt to please each other. This sometimes leads to Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss