She married him for better or for worse but not for lunch.
It all started when I found a delightful gentleman in his mid-70s waiting outside my front door early one morning. He dropped by because his wife told him he needed fixing. That’s often the way couples come in; one says that the other is broken. They usually make an appointment instead of just dropping by.
He knew that she was angry because a few days earlier she had demanded that he leave the house. He told me she said, “Go!” He dutifully left but couldn’t really figure out why she was so upset. He tried to spend the night in his car, the police found him and chastised him and he finally went to an inexpensive motel even though he was outraged by the price.
We decided that since he still couldn’t understand why she was so angry at him we had better ask her specifically, what about him needed fixing.
She agreed to a joint appointment with the understanding that Continue reading »
written by admin
\\ tags: Boundaries, CoDependency, Communication, Relationship Advice, Self Care
Ask your partner for what you want. Contrary to popular belief, your partner cannot and should not read your mind. Asking increases the odds of getting what you want. Be specific.
Mind reading is an inexact science. Imagine going into a restaurant and telling the server “Guess what I want to eat — and if you don’t get it right, it means you don’t really love me!” Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Laurie
Thanks for the emails and updates. I wondered if you are aware of any support groups to work on my issues of codependency? Do people still just go to Alanon? (I recently divorced and my ex was addicted to “chat rooms”, and spending. He is a narcissist and I enabled him financially, but only came to this knowledge in counseling about one year ago. I am so ready to try to move toward healing..
Thanks for any suggestions..
V.
- – - – -
Hi, V,
Congratulations on getting on with your life. Here are some resources.
Co-dependents Anon, http://www.codependents.org/ still exists and has a meeting finder on their website. Alanon is still useful. Jonathan and I both still work with people about these issues individually either in person or by phone or Skype.
If you want to look at the Inner Child issues that made you vulnerable in the first place there are still some issues of An Action Plan for Your Inner Child: Parenting Each Other on our website, http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com/publications . Our book, Recovery from CoDependency: It’s Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood is available on Amazon.
Laurie
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Self Care, CoDependency, Relationship Advice
written by Laurie Weiss
Amanda writes, “I have been married for only 8 months and it seems that my life revolves around my husband a lot! Help!” Leanne, depressed after her first 8 months, had virtually the same complaint. And to tell the truth, I could have said the same thing 48 years ago — if there had been anyone to say it to. It took me several years of confusion to seek help.
Myth #1. We all bought into the belief that when you get married two are supposed to become one.
Myth #2. We believed that, once we’re married our job is to make our husbands happy. Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Change the behavior in yourself that you don’t like in your partner. It is all too easy to ignore things you don’t like about yourself, and instead, pay attention to how annoyed you are that your partner does those very same things. This is called projection.
We all have blind spots, things we don’t know about ourselves that others know about us. Use what irritates you about someone else’s behavior to help you discover your own blind spots, take pressure off your partner, and decide what to do next.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Make a list of things that irritate you when your partner does them. Take an honest look at your own behavior and see how you, too, do some of those things. Choose one thing that you intend to change about yourself and tell your partner what it is.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: CoDependency, Relationship Advice, About Relationships, Difficult Communication, Relationships
written by Laurie Weiss
Make sure you ask for the acknowledgment you want from your partner. If your partner does not notice your new haircut or the amount of work you did to arrange an event, say something instead of waiting for your strokes.
Spontaneous recognition is wonderful. Some people do it well, but it simply may not occur to your partner that you need or want any acknowledgment at all. Your partner may be quite happy to give you the attention you want, once s/he understands that you want it. The recognition you get only after you ask for it still feels good.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Think of three things you wish your partner had acknowledged you for, and invite your partner to do the same thing. Take turns choosing one item from your list and telling you partner about it. Then say, “I wanted you to notice it and …hug me…cheer for me…tell me you are proud of me…bring me flowers…etc. Will you do that for me NOW?”
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: CoDependency, Relationship Advice, Communication, Self Care, Relationships
written by Laurie Weiss
Encourage your partner to find ways do things s/he loves, even if you don’t share the same interest. You do not have to do those things if they are uncomfortable for you. There is no rule that says you must do everything together.
When relationships are new, partners often give up favorite activities in an attempt to please each other. This sometimes leads to Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Give gifts that your partner has indicated that s/he wants or needs instead of what you believe s/he wants or needs. You can give other gifts, too, but first paying attention to your partner avoids disappointment.
Some partners like to give each other hints about gifts they would like to receive. Others are very clear and forthright about asking for what they want. If you have not been paying attention to your partner’s communication, now is a good time start.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Have a conversation about how each of you lets the other know what is special and meaningful for you. Is your partner’s method workable for you? If it isn’t, talk about what would work, and decide what to do differently.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: CoDependency, Relationship Advice, Communication, Separateness Special Occasions, Relationships
written by Laurie Weiss
Accept that differences are just that — differences. When you take the position that you are right and your partner is wrong, Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Hi
First I would like to thank God for people like you. I have learned a lot from you and really appreciate you.
Now my question is, how do I restore the love that my man once had for me?
After I gave birth to our baby he started seeing someone else. We were planning to get married until I found this out. I told him to go on with her as he had strong feelings for her.
It’s been 8 months now and I still see him about 3 times a week. At first he wouldn’t even touch me but now he shows signs of interest in me again.
I don’t know what to do as I love him to death. I’ve been acting as if I don’t love him all this time but now I desperately want him back
What should I do?
(Name withheld)
My response:
Dear…
This man isn’t your man any more. If he goes with you now, he betrays still another woman. If you get him back and have another child, be prepared for him to leave again.
I suggest that as painful as it seems now, you not try to get him back. Develop your own strength as a person so that if any person treats you badly you count your own feelings as much as theirs and say “what I want is just as important as what you want, how can we work things out together.”
My book, I Don’t Need Therapy, but Where Do I Turn for Answers? might be helpful.
Warmly,
Laurie
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Self Care, Separateness, Communication, Boundaries, CoDependency, Relationship Advice
written by Laurie Weiss
|
