This question comes from a woman who's been married for 12 years and wants to keep a man whom she calls a good-looking womanizer. She's upset because she found unmistakable evidence of his sexual relationship with another woman in their apartment while she and their 11-year-old daughter were away on a five week visit to her parents. She says she loves him. I say it's a fatal attraction. Let me explain.

This isn't about love at all! It's about addiction! If I were telling her directly I would say this. You love him the same way an alcoholic loves alcohol or a drug addict loves heroin. You don't know what love is. All you know about is the temporary high that comes from your contact with him. He's a habit and even though every encounter with him leads to worse and worse feelings you keep coming back for more.

There is no way you can save this marriage. He is obviously a narcissist or a sex addict or both. If you're honest with yourself you know that you're dependent on him. You might have loved him once with the kind of falling in love energy that comes more from your hormones than anything else. He might even have been attracted to you then too, but I rather doubt it. In any case, he's been seeking other women since the honeymoon was over 11 years ago.

The question now is can you save yourself? Recovery from any addiction is a long and difficult path. The first step is to give up the addictive substance. That means ending this marriage! It won't be easy to do on your own so get help where ever you can. That can be from parents, friends or a safe house depending on your resources. At the very least you need to do this to protect her daughter.

Instead of focusing on how to control your husband's behavior which is impossible short of putting him in jail, you need to focus on your own. You can start by reading "Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?" by Brenda Schaeffer. You will need psychotherapy or counseling. Many women's shelters allow women who are living in the community at large to attend their programs. If you can't afford private therapy, look for help at a community mental health center.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

Read about it HERE.

Deciding To Leave A Problem Marriage

She's wondering whether it's wrong to leave this problem marriage.

She married him because she was in love, pregnant, Christians were telling her it was the moral thing to do and she was bribed. During the past seven years she has tried to get him to go to counseling, repeatedly asked for a divorce, been lured back to the marriage after she's left, and now he's promising to change — one more time. She says her kids are being put in harm’s way.

I don't have details, but from the rambling description she wrote, I strongly suspect that the mistreatment she alludes to should be called abuse. Read her words http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111225084126AAsPF4q and decide whether you agree with my answer.

It's never wrong to leave an abusive relationship. I'm reading between the lines here, but after 40 years as a marriage counselor I see too many signs of a cycle of abuse to ignore them. It sounds as if you had been in an emotionally abusive relationship that has degenerated into a physically abusive one.

The signs I am reading are that you have tried repeatedly to leave this marriage and being lured back by promises of good behavior that have never really materialized.

You said, “He knows he screwed up but he still wants to try and work on it. He said that 2 years ago and he said that last month. He has never shown signs of truly changing…”

I can't tell you how many abused women I've heard say the same thing. Every time an incident happens and you threaten to leave, he promises to reform. The reform lasts a very short time and then the negative behavior resumes and gets worse. You seem to be describing exactly this cycle.

It often takes women many tries to get out of a relationship like this. Some never do and wind up that badly hurt or even dead. Leaving can be dangerous, so take precautions for your physical safety. Check out the National Domestic Violence Hot Line www.thehotline.org for help.

It isn't wrong to walk out an abusive seven year marriage. Get out now. You owe it to yourself and your children.

You can see his entire question here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111224035301AALbXep This is my answer.

If you would do truly anything to fix it, then get counseling now, not soon. You're not likely to find peace of mind about this for a while. You have a lot to learn about relationships and you're just getting started. Counseling, whether or not she comes along, should be useful for you.

It takes a lot of work to grow a relationship. It takes learning to talk about problems that you're experiencing without blaming your partner for what's wrong. Whenever you blame someone you're likely to get a defensive response. When you don't have the conversation at all, your resentment builds and you do dumb things like having an online chat with an old flirt.

Apparently this all started because you were not getting as much closeness (including sexual intimacy) as you wanted. Maybe she was getting more than she was comfortable having. Or maybe she was building resentment about other things and that led her to not want to be close to you. I certainly don't know.

What I do know is that if you can't learn to talk to each other without blaming each other for problems you won't get very far. Counseling can help you learn to have those conversations. So can some of the materials available for healing relationships.

A tip from my booklet, "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is: "Expect the closeness and distance you experience with your partner to vary from hour to hour, day to day and season to season. People experienced enough closeness much as they experience enough food – any more leads to discomfort. We all have different capacities."

You need this kind of information in order to build a relationship.

"124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com/

24 free tips and additional information about how to save your marriage are available athttp://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

This is how I answered her question:

Would you be asking these questions if your husband was acting this way because he had a serious they physical illness? My guess is you wouldn't. You'd be scared and upset like you are now but you'd be looking for ways to help him get well. It's entirely possible that he is suffering from an illness — an emotional one.

Depression in men often shows up as the kind of angry, blaming, emotionally abusive behavior you're describing. And depression could be his response to the stress of your situation.

Since you have had a good relationship for a long time and you do love him, don't give up without trying to get him the help he needs. If possible, he should see a doctor who can check out the reasons that his behavior has changed so drastically. If depression is the problem, medication can help.

You might be able to help by trying to get him to talk about his fears about the future. Many men think they shouldn't be afraid and are ashamed to talk about it so this could be a real challenge. Don't give up, you do have a chance to save your marriage.

At the very least don't allow yourself to stay and be berated. Tell him quietly but firmly that if he continues to talk to you that way you won't stay in the room. Then follow through. Tell him you'll be back 15 minutes and then go to another room and do something else to distract yourself while he cools off.

Resources: You’ll find information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

They've been married for eight years and fighting constantly for the last three months. She can't let go of her anger and bad feelings any longer. Counseling is not an option. He says it's all her fault. She says, "I am so done." I think their marriage still has a chance of success. Here's what I told her.

[You can find the original question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111211185506AAFYM7m]

When you're constantly fighting your situation can only go from bad to worse. Nothing is going to get solved by these arguments. You are into an ugly cycle that can be broken.

Three months feels like forever but it really isn't much if you've had eight years together. When you don't have skills to clear up little problems and resentments they built up and finally explode. That's what's happening now.

You're complaining that he has stopped listening to you. That's absolutely true and what's also true is that you have stopped listening to him. You can't change him. You are the only one you can change right now.

There are ways to learn the skills you need without a marriage counselor, but first you have to stop the constant fighting. Since it takes two people to fight and he isn't about to stop, you need to take control. You can do it by learning to think instead of react. Believe it or not, it's possible to think even when you're very angry.

Here are three steps to help you get started.

1. As soon as you feel a fight starting say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." Then go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the water and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Think about what you think he is angry about. Leave the bathroom.

2. As calmly as you can say, "Are you angry because (fill in the blank with your guess)?"

3. Listen to whatever he says in response and then say, "Is there something you would like me to do about that?"

This will break the cycle of fighting and open a conversation about what he wants. Listen carefully and you may find that you're sympathetic and want to help him. Once he feels heard he may even be willing to listen to you.

In any case, you will both probably feel a lot better about each other and start solving other problems together.

You can find more information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

[Posted By CupidsPulse.com]

The celebrity lens can make relationships look frivolous.  Two year courtships disintegrate as easily as a pair of worn-out running shoes, and headlines of “Betrayed,” “Cheating,” and the big “D” – Divorce – along with paparazzi shots of miserable stars fill the newsstands daily.  Divorce is an issue Cupid’s Pulse takes seriously, and who better to talk about it than Judge Lynn Toler from the popular TV series Divorce Court?  As a celebrity divorce expert, she has more than enough experience to offer solid, real-world advice for our readers.

For the past five years, Judge Toler has been the host of television’s longest running court program.  A Harvard graduate, she has written two books, including My Mother’s Rules – which not only shares the wisdom of her mother, but takes an honest look at her childhood as the daughter of a man who struggled with both mental illness and alcoholism.  She has seen divorce firsthand countless times and has been part of the messy situations that can arise when two people who took vows of love are now each other’s worst enemies.  We asked Judge Toler for her perspective on divorce, relationships and Hollywood couples.  Take a look at what she had to say:

What’s the number one reason people get divorced?

It’s hard to say, but people who marry young have the most number of divorces.  They don’t know how to manage the marriage.  You think if you get married the relationship will just handle itself.  You need to decide how to argue, you need to make plans about the money, or that mother-in-law that you don’t like.  You need to manage your relationship, and I think most people don’t end up doing that.

How can people who marry young sustain their relationship when divorce statistics are so high?

Marriage counseling before marriage.  Don’t wait until the boat is swamped.  Get somebody who is older, who has been there and done that.  You don’t have to have any problems, but problems will arise.  You have to be mature and in a position to respond appropriately.  The first thing I would do is get marriage counseling.

Are there signs that suggest a relationship is heading for a breakup or divorce?

Yes, there are signs:

1. Withdrawal: When somebody is non-responsive, not engaging.  When the fighting has stopped, and this person is like, “whatever.”  That’s usually what they call one of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

2. Globalizing: When “You don’t take the garbage out,” becomes, “You never do anything I want you to do.”  You’re adding pieces to the “I’m getting ready to go” pie.

You can tell when people make that shift.  It’s either everything or nothing bothers them.  Of course, infidelity is always a big one too.

Are there red flags that women should be aware of before heading into marriage with the wrong man?

Yes, I think this is important for women who are attracted to controlling men.  I call this the “Widdled Away Women” and I see them on Divorce Court a lot.  These are the folks who really want to get married and tend to overlook stuff.  Some of the things you cannot overlook:

1. Needs you too much too soon: If he met you on Tuesday and can’t live without you on Friday.  That’s a possessive personality; it’s not romance.

2. Gets angry easily: If he gets mad easily with other people, or about other things, it’s only a matter of time before he’s comfortable enough to get angry with you.

3. Always check out the family: How do the women in the family get treated?  What is the script that he is reading off of?  Is his pops mean to his mom?

These are some of the signs that this guy may not be the guy that you want.  When speaking in general when you are talking non-gender, always remember that this is as good as it gets.  Don’t get married and think that your problems will be over.  If it’s not good now, imagine it half as good – and can you live that way?  Remember: In the beginning, everyone is looking good and compromising.  So if it’s not good now, don’t even bother.

Who would you say had the messiest Hollywood divorce?

I think the LA Dodgers McCourt divorce in my opinion right now is the messiest.   Others would include Alec Baldwin because of the children, and of course, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

Do you think that celebrity couples in some way contribute or play a factor in real-life relationships?

Yes, absolutely.  The quintessential example of that is the royal wedding: “Some day your prince will come.”  It’s the dream of all women to find their soul mate.  Kate (Middleton) and Prince William are on every cover, and this news feeds the fairy tale that so many women want.

What are some lessons we can learn from reading about celebrity relationships?

Again, it’s a fairy tale.  Celebrities have a lot of problems with the fairy tale belief of love.  They are used to getting what they need and want.  They have the elaborate wedding, the vacation, and then they are off for six months making a movie and they don’t see one another.  Their partner is lonely and temptation sets in.  Or, they wake up next to a spouse and the fantasy is over when they realize someone has to take out the garbage.  They realize it’s not the person they thought they married.

Which celebrity couple has surprised you most?

I would have to say Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt really surprised me, even more so that they have stayed together.  It was concerning when they started having all of these kids, but they are doing so well.  Raising these kids is probably keeping them together.

So many single women feel at a loss because they haven’t found someone. Is there a message that you can share with them?

Our primitive minds or emotions want us to hook up with a guy, because in the prehistoric times, your chances for survival increased dramatically when you were with a guy.  Don’t let that hereditary desire define how you feel about wherever your life is; it’s not as necessary as you may think it is, even if you might feel that way.  Single is OK.  If you just live fully, and not in anticipation and not looking for someone, you actually become more desirable, and half the time that’s when you end up finding someone.

Judge Toler also raised the issue of domestic violence and how that issue weighs deep in her heart.  It’s something that she sees far too often, and even among the famous, she says love can blind you, as she noted with successful women like Marlee Matlin or Tina Turner.  For more information on domestic violence, check out her appearance in Rock the Purple Campaign 2011′s Public Service Announcement.

Cupid thanks Judge Toler for her time!  For more information, you can visit her Facebook pages, Judge Lynn Toler of “Divorce Court” and Divorce Court, or follow her Twitter handles, @judgelynntoler and @divorcecourt.

Written by Lori Bizzoco for CupidsPulse.com

I don't want a divorce. I love my husband and I try to show it regularly, but he doesn't seem to care. He refuses to talk to me except to tell me everything is my fault — even when he cheats.

This question was posted in a forum on the web some time ago. I keep finding similar questions and although I recognize each of them immediately as signs of a developing abusive relationship, you may not. These are signals I spot and you can learn to recognize also.

1. This is a one-sided relationship. She tries to please him, he refuses to be pleased.

2. He verbally abuses her by telling her that she is to blame for each problem.

3. She accepts his definition of her inadequacy and tries to do better.

4. He cheats and accepts no responsibility for his own behavior. In fact he delegates the responsibility to her. This is also abusive.

5. Despite everything, she still loves him and wants to stay with him.

They have both been in agreement that everything that is wrong with the relationship is due to her inadequacy. She might not have accepted the blame at first but over time and considerable repetition she feels increasingly helpless about standing up for herself.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has also convinced her to not have contact with her friends and family. He has probably said that they contribute to the problems in the relationship. Because nobody is left to contradict him, he becomes more and more powerful to her.

At this point, he may even start using physical abuse to reinforce his powerful position with her. He blames her for causing him to lose control. If she threatens to leave he will apologize profusely and promise never to do it again if only she will forgive him and stay with him. He will keep his word for a brief period of time and then the cycle will repeat itself.

This plaintive question on the forum may be the first sign that she recognizes something is truly wrong and is asking for help. Instead of offering advice about improving the relationship, she needs advice about taking care of herself either within the relationship or gathering the resources needed to leave the relationship.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, it's impossible for you to imagine how difficult it will be to support someone in leaving one. The best thing you can do is encourage your friend to seek professional help.

If you are in a relationship like this – if you've written letters like this or wanted to – you probably need help to understand your situation better and figure out what to do. A good first step is to put the words "resources abused women" into a search engine (Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc.) and call a hot line. The first doesn't work call another until someone can help you find what you need.

Communicate skillfully about sensitive subjects. Http://www.DareToSayIt.com/blog
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is a Master Certified Coach and communication expert. Dr. Weiss has spent 35 years helping clients resolve conflict in business and personal relationships.

The simple truth is that getting a divorce is not just a legal matter. No matter how clear you think you are, at some point during the process your emotions are likely to overwhelm your ability to think clearly and take care of yourself.

Instead of letting your lawyer do his or her job of managing the details you’re going to say something like, “After all she/he has put me through, I deserve _______.” Even if you fully intend to be fair, your soon to be ex spouse will make what you think is a completely unreasonable demand and you’ll come unglued.

You’ll be overwhelmed with fury or grief and think it’s about what’s happening now. But it will really be about what’s going on now and so much more.

Your lawyer dreads this part because either you become unreasonable and demand impossible things, or you become totally compliant and will agree to anything just to get away from the mess. Your lawyer knows this isn’t good for you and tries to convince you to settle down so that you can be properly represented.

Your attorney isn’t trained to help you manage your emotional outbursts and tries to logically explain what is and isn’t possible during a divorce. Or your lawyer will try to comply with your wishes and ask for something that inflames the other side. In either case you’ll be running up unnecessary attorney’s fees in an attempt to solve emotional issues.

Counseling rates are a lot less than legal fees. A good counselor knows how to help you communicate and understand the emotions you’re both feeling about ending what was once a dream of having a life together.

Seeing a couples’ counselor throughout the divorce process lets you use the rational parts of yourself to communicate about those emotions and understand where the unreasonable pressure is coming from. Often understanding your pain and knowing you’ve been understood is what it takes to become reasonable again. You can agree on what you want your lawyers to accomplish and let them do their jobs quickly and effectively.

Not only will it save you money in the long run, it will make it easier for you to accomplish and necessary communications after the divorce is complete.

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