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Ask your partner for what you want. Contrary to popular belief, your partner cannot and should not read your mind. Asking increases the odds of getting what you want. Be specific. Mind reading is an inexact science. Imagine going into a restaurant and telling the server “Guess what I want to eat — and if you don’t get it right, it means you don’t really love me!” Continue reading »
Amanda writes, “I have been married for only 8 months and it seems that my life revolves around my husband a lot! Help!” Leanne, depressed after her first 8 months, had virtually the same complaint. And to tell the truth, I could have said the same thing 48 years ago — if there had been anyone to say it to. It took me several years of confusion to seek help. Myth #1. We all bought into the belief that when you get married two are supposed to become one. Myth #2. We believed that, once we’re married our job is to make our husbands happy. Continue reading »
I want to share something that Jonathan wrote (Jon has reclaimed his birth name) as we were developing material to let people know that we are actively offering couples counseling again. It was a spontaneous statement of why couples should come to us for counseling. It didn’t quite fit into the webpage we were designing, but I think it’s a wonderful restatement of our lives together. “…we want to share what we’ve learned with you! Why us? There are hundreds of people offering relationship advice on the Internet, and thousands more offline. How are you going to know who to listen to, who to trust with the most important part of your life? All these adviser have credentials; so do we. They have all probably talked to lots of different people; so have we. So what’s different? Very simple: we have been there AND we have applied our training, knowledge, theories, understandings, etc., to our own personal and business lives, and have lived to tell the tale. We have been married (TO EACH OTHER) for over 48 years, and we have experienced, survived, and grown from almost everything that two people together will ever run into:
Sometimes we think that the only important experience we have missed is the rich learning of a divorce, but we have worked with plenty of people before, during, after, instead of, preventing it or encouraging it, We have also made our CD of our talk with marriage counselors about relationship development available as an online audio. You can listen to it right now I’m your computer, or download it to listen later. You can get it at this link: http://tinyurl.com/53wvyh (Jonathan’s words again) “Listen to some REAL experts talk about what REALLY happens in relationships, and how you can use the information to make a difference in yours.” Technorati Tags: Relationship Advice, About Relationships, Togetherness, Relationships
Change the behavior in yourself that you don’t like in your partner. It is all too easy to ignore things you don’t like about yourself, and instead, pay attention to how annoyed you are that your partner does those very same things. This is called projection. We all have blind spots, things we don’t know about ourselves that others know about us. Use what irritates you about someone else’s behavior to help you discover your own blind spots, take pressure off your partner, and decide what to do next. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it: Make a list of things that irritate you when your partner does them. Take an honest look at your own behavior and see how you, too, do some of those things. Choose one thing that you intend to change about yourself and tell your partner what it is. Technorati Tags: CoDependency, Relationship Advice, About Relationships, Difficult Communication, Relationships
What are you trying to do — make him perfect? I know you want to protect yourself. You don’t want to ever feel this pain again — and he is to blame. So you try to keep fixing him. What about you? Do you have any responsibility in this mess? Maybe not. You discovered his computer records — all the porn sites — or the e-mails from her. He promised to reform, but you’re on your guard — rightly. After all, why should he reform? Why should he change? If he really cared, would he have done that? Did he even know it would hurt you? Of course he did, or why would he be hiding. He doesn’t want to get in trouble again. You are so darned hard to please. You want everything your way, and he makes mistakes. How can you possibly let go of this? How can you possibly let down your guard? The secret is. It’s not about the past — it’s about the present and the future. What do you want from here on? Do you have it? Have you told him? Did he understand what you meant when you told him what you wanted? Probably not. You may think you’re being clear, but asking for “better communication” isn’t very specific. This is better: “I want you to listen to me when I tell you what I want to do. When I tell you about a problem I want you to stop telling me how to fix it and ask me what I’ve already done. I want you to tell me whether you like or hate something instead of shrugging, no matter what I say. I want you to scratch this spot right here — where it itches — not the spot you can reach more easily. Ahaah…” Technorati Tags: Communication, Difficult Communication, Relationship Advice, About Relationships, Boundaries, Relationships
Whenever my 7-year-old grandson forgets what he is supposed to be doing and does something else instead, he tells me, “I got distracted.” We both consider that an explanation, not an excuse. That’s also the explanation for why you didn’t get the link to the recording of the relationship interview we did a couple of weeks ago. So here it is now, with apologies for the delay: http://excellerated.com/audio It’s called Rethinking Relationships and is on a page with loads of other interesting looking teleconferences. You are welcome to listen to any of them. I’ve been distracted by supporting my family in reconnecting before, during and since my daughter moved to Paris with part of her family nearly 4 weeks ago. That involved as many as 9 extra people sleeping at our home on at least 2 different nights. I expect to stay distracted for a while longer. Next week we will take our two oldest grandsons (ages 7 and 10) to Paris to join the rest of I don’t expect to see much of Paris right away because their furniture just arrived a couple of days ago and the 2 1/2 and 4-year-old boys will have kept her too busy to get everything done. We’ll be helping her get organized. (By the way, Rachel is doing a blog about her adventures. You can see it at http://momzen.blogspot.com/ ) Next we are going to Dublin for a week’s pure vacation before returning for a more relaxed few days in Paris. This really is just fine. We have been to Paris several times and love it and we have never been to Dublin. Meanwhile, in the midst of this chaos (that I volunteered for and enjoyed) I have been invited to write for two different very busy websites. I am thrilled with the opportunity to reach more people and I have told both groups that I can start in Septermber. In fact, I feel like I am starting a whole new life in September! I hope you are having a wonderful summer. I promise I’ll be back…after I’m through indulging in all of my wonderful distractions. Warmly, Laurie P.S. Remember, you can download an MP3 of Rethinking Relationships at http://excellerated.com/audio Technorati Tags: Relationship Advice, About Relationships
Accept that differences are just that — differences. When you take the position that you are right and your partner is wrong, Continue reading »
Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and holidays that are important to your partner, even if they are not important to you. Continue reading »
“how do u stop ur partner from exploiting u and how to react to ur partners agression and apathy” from rooshi I’m assuming that this relationship is about more than exploitation, aggression and apathy. If it isn’t, you should stop this kind of treatment by leaving the relationship. My biggest question is how do you let your partner know that you feel exploited when it happens? Do you complain verbally? Do you ever say, “I want you to Continue reading »
Use a rating system to let your partner know how strongly you like or dislike something. Knowing whether something is a one or a ten makes it easier for your partner to decide how to respond to you. Often partners who try to please each other find themselves doing things that are not very exciting to either of them. Continue reading » |
