Lisa cheated on her long term boyfriend when she was really drunk at a party. She told the truth, has stopped drinking and he may be ready to try again. She’s afraid she will always feel guilty for hurting him and isn’t sure trying again is a good idea.

You can see Lisa’s complete question here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111230164326AApns8D

Here is my advice about why I think she should try to heal their relationship:

Lisa, Did you do things you regret just because of the alcohol or because there was some other problem in your relationship? If it was just because of the alcohol and there are no underlying relationship problems than stay and learn to heal together.

Do you know that this Ernest Hemingway quote “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” is also true for relationships? You seem to have shocked yourself into recognizing what your real priorities are.

Don’t blow the possibility of renewing this long-lasting relationship for the fantasy of feeling no guilt. Guilt is a natural feeling that comes when we have hurt another person and that is exactly what you did. The purpose of guilt is to remind you to change your behavior, make amends and move on. Staying guilty forever serves no purpose at all.

The real issue is talking through what your ex-boyfriend would consider an action you can take to help him to forgive you. If he forgives you and you still have trouble forgiving yourself then a counselor can help you learn to take that step.

No mature person can get through this life without doing dumb things and feeling guilty and dealing with consequences. Good luck and best wishes…

Resources

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ernest_Hemingway

My "Being Happy Program" http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com would be a useful resource to help you heal and grow your relationship.

You can see his entire question here: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111224035301AALbXep This is my answer.

If you would do truly anything to fix it, then get counseling now, not soon. You're not likely to find peace of mind about this for a while. You have a lot to learn about relationships and you're just getting started. Counseling, whether or not she comes along, should be useful for you.

It takes a lot of work to grow a relationship. It takes learning to talk about problems that you're experiencing without blaming your partner for what's wrong. Whenever you blame someone you're likely to get a defensive response. When you don't have the conversation at all, your resentment builds and you do dumb things like having an online chat with an old flirt.

Apparently this all started because you were not getting as much closeness (including sexual intimacy) as you wanted. Maybe she was getting more than she was comfortable having. Or maybe she was building resentment about other things and that led her to not want to be close to you. I certainly don't know.

What I do know is that if you can't learn to talk to each other without blaming each other for problems you won't get very far. Counseling can help you learn to have those conversations. So can some of the materials available for healing relationships.

A tip from my booklet, "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is: "Expect the closeness and distance you experience with your partner to vary from hour to hour, day to day and season to season. People experienced enough closeness much as they experience enough food – any more leads to discomfort. We all have different capacities."

You need this kind of information in order to build a relationship.

"124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com/

24 free tips and additional information about how to save your marriage are available athttp://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

A young woman is trying to figure out who she should marry. One boy is willing to marry her now, even though he knows about her past relationship and her parents are looking for a different boy. You can see her question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111216052631AAwUZLN

I didn't really answer the question she asked, but I don't think she's ready to get married at all.

You haven't said a word about what you want to do. You have not said anything at all about whether you want to get married or why. All you have talked about is what you should do. If you marry anyone right now it's unlikely that your marriage will be successful or long-lasting.

You need to figure out what you want out of life before you make this kind of commitment. Marriages work best when women marry men rather than when girls marry boys.

I've just finished a project of asking many women what they wished they knew before getting married. Most of them wished that they had known more about what marriage is really like. Many wished that they had known more about themselves before they got married. Others wish they hadn't been in such a hurry to get married.

Start by thinking about what you're really good at and at what you like to do best. Then talk to your school counselor or your favorite teacher about what you can learn to do in order to become an independent young woman who is ready to take charge of her own life.

I suggest you read my upcoming book, “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do.” You can learn more about it at  http://www.facebook.com/99ThingsWomenWishTheyKnewBeforeSayingIDo

Go to http://tinyurl.com/3fk4jac right now and click the "like" button right now.

Expectations of relationships have changed a lot in the past 50 years.

Reading the best-selling book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, reminded me that as a young woman I was taught that being married always meant putting the needs of your husband first, always – no matter what.

That's a huge difference from my current belief that relationships, especially marriage, only work when they take into account the needs and feelings of both people and what is possible in any given situation.

An article in the Wall Street Journal of beautifully describes what happens over time in a healthy, busy,  2011 style marriage. In The Dance of Marriage: Who Does What? Katherine Rosman describes the trade-offs that occur and the valuable things that she actually does exchange with her husband.

It's so rare to find such a good, realistic description that I recommend clicking over and spending the 3 minutes it will take to read her article.

Then, if you would like instructions on how to do it yourself, check out the Being Happy Program at http://www.BeingHappyBook.com

Jason’s 2^nd Letter

 Hey this is Jason from Slovakia; feel free to post my message anywhere you want.

 If something happens during these days that I would have to make rash decisions I would like to get some more advice from you. Thanks for all the advice you gave me earlier by the way.

 I would just want to comment on one advice you gave me about taking several years for me and Marie to go into a relationship. I know you’re an expert but several years like let's say 4 are just way too long.

 We have a history together and planed a future together. It's hard for me to explain what we had. We are young, but I know allot of people who date, are in a relationship etc. but I could never compare our relationship with any of them. It was much more different.

 A lot of others had arguments, didn't care that much for one another … and when it comes to us, we had to be patient every day and only type through internet without the feel of a touch.  And when that day finally came, it was a '' BIG BANG '' just to feel, see and kiss each other.

When the day came to an end, tears were falling most of the time as the cycle repeats itself. So you see it isn't all that I couldn't move on from a girl. It’s because the bond was tremendous.

Right now I'm following the book '' THE MAGIC OF MAKING UP '' written by T.W Jackson, you might have heard of it.  It has given me so much confidence and hope that I can't leave behind. It also says to be prepared to let go before I see her again.

So by that time I must prepare myself if it isn't the right time. This is a real grab to the heart and the hardest step. If you could send me another reply I would be happy to hear more from you and would want to read from some of your people that got together and their story.

 Response #2

Dear Jason,

I am glad that you have the book to help you. Letting go is the key and I know it is a real challenge. I found two quotes about letting go that may be helpful. One is very old…

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

Alison Willcocks adds: This ancient Chinese proverb articulates a powerful truth http://www.globalideasbank.org/Tips/TipJan27.html

This one is written more recently.

Don't hold the butterfly too tight, or he will struggle to be free…

Letting go of love, letting the butterfly go free.
Don't grasp it in your hands or it will die.
Hold the love and laughter within your heart. (more)http://www.flickr.com/photos/n2kmp/3751591375/

As long as you keep growing and learning you will do fine. You’ll find that both joy and disappointment are necessary parts of life and everyone needs to manage both.

Warmly,

Laurie 

It's a QuickReadBook.com Audio CD.

Just click this link and you can see it for yourself: http://tinyurl.com/4nahsgm

Here is some information directly from Amazon:

The Top 10 Hidden Beliefs About Relationships And How To Stop Them From Poisoning Your Marriage

Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., and Jonathan B. Weiss, Ph.D.

Are These Dangerous Beliefs Poisoning Your Marriage?

• A relationship will only work with the right person…
• If a relationship is right, you shouldn't have to work at it…
• If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you what I want…
• Falling out of love means the relationship is in trouble…
• You should always act on your feelings… 
• My partner is responsible for how I feel…

And Much more!

Relationship coaches and marriage counselors Drs. Jonathan and Laurie Weiss have spent over 40 years studying, practicing and teaching relationship
building skills.

They are internationally known coaches, consultants, psychotherapists, speakers and authors. They have presented their work throughout
the US and thirteen other countries.

Married since 1960, they have been in practice since 1972. They focus on helping clients create dynamic, effective personal and working
relationships.

Order it from Amazon now: http://tinyurl.com/4nahsgm

Once you listen, please leave a review on Amazon. Then contact me and I'll send you a free copy of "124 Tips for Having a Great
Relationship." See the description at http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com

• Exclusive insights and suggestions gained by surveying happy couples
• Practical advice from a range of experts synthesized into learnable lessons
• Tips for identifying problems and what to do about them
• A 3-step process you've never heard before for surviving affairs
• The power of moving beyond "tolerating" differences to truly appreciating them
• How to meet your partner's needs and your own at the same time

• Recognition and acceptance of the differences between you and your partner
• Better communication between you and your partner
• A better sex life and more intimacy
• More trust and respect
• Happiness and satisfaction in all your relationships

Negativity as he describes it includes any expression of anger toward your significant other. He believes that most anger comes from a deep and unrealistic sense of entitlement. It reflects the belief that your partner should make you the center of his or her universe and meet all of your needs before you even express them.

This is taking to extremes my own belief that problems with your intimate partner can only be resolved by taking into account three important things. You must include your own needs and feelings, your partner’s needs and feelings, and relevant aspects of the situation.

My husband and I have a long history of trying out new ideas in our own relationship. However, we disagree with Hendrix’s view that anger is entirely based on the belief that the world should revolve around you and it doesn’t. We generally include three other types of anger:

1. Current anger, which is about something that just happened.

2. Archaic anger, which is about something that happened long ago. This can include anger at the world does not revolve around you, but also includes anger about abusive and inappropriate treatment that happened to you.

3. Racket anger, which looks and feels like an attempt to manipulate others. It’s usually about imagined rather than real situations. We have long recognized that expressions of archaic and racket anger only damage relationships — including our own. But we have allowed the expression of current anger in our own relationship as a prelude to problem solving.

Nevertheless we decided to experiment with Hendrix’s ideas and allow no negativity at all to be expressed in our relationship. This doesn’t mean that we don’t experience angry feelings — we do! Humans are wired from birth to experience frustration as increased energy and we identify that experience as "anger." We’re human and we experience that frustration with each other.

The difference lies in how we choose to express it. This has turned out to mean looking more deeply into why we may be annoyed with each other. It’s usually not about what we think it’s about at first.

Here’s one example: I may feel angry "because" he’s watching sports on TV again. When I look more deeply it’s because I’m feeling unappreciated. If I complain about the TV I may get myself some negative attention, but it won’t solve the real problem.

When I take the time to think it through, I can realize what I actually want or need and ask for it in an appropriate way. Another subtler example involves creating a negative atmosphere by complaining about something outside the relationship that you’re frustrated about but can’t control.

Jonathan used to routinely express anger at other drivers while I was sitting in the passenger seat in the car. Now this rarely happens, but if it does I say "this feels like negativity" and he honors our agreement and apologizes.

We have agreed that it’s fine to report feeling frustrated — just not to express it indirectly. It’s not perfect. We’ve been married for over 49 years and have an excellent relationship, mostly because, since our first major crisis, we’ve never stopped paying attention to what works and what doesn’t.

This is a refinement. It’s a subtle change but it’s making a very positive difference in how we feel when we are with each other.

Try having a talk with your partner about what negativity means to you and how you would like to change. Experiment for a week and then reevaluate. Decide if that’s the way you’d like to proceed with your own relationship.

Well, I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be that way. I am sad because so many relationships end in disaster because they just don’t know how to get out of the circular argument trap.

If you want to save your relationship (and I KNOW you do!) here are three stunningly simple ways to sidestep this challenge. Your conversations really can end with the feeling of completion instead of with an argument.

You may not end up in agreement but at least you will understand each other’s positions.

First you need to decide why you are having a conversation in the first place. It can be as simple as wanting to know what time your partner is going to meet you have to work. You really MUST start with the end in mind.

Second, no matter what your partner says about some other topic, you need to respond to his or her new topic AND then remember why you’re having the conversation.

Your partner may say he will have a busy afternoon because of the big project. First say “Yes, I know you’ll be busy.” Then instead of talking about why he’s busy, REMEMBER that you want to set a meeting time. If you forget this step you have already accepted his invitation to get back into the circle trap.

Third you must remind your partner about the original reason for your conversation. After sympathizing with your partner about how busy he’ll be, REMIND him that all you want to know is what time he can meet you.

Wash, rinse and repeat as necessary.

Some of the couples I’ve worked with find that they’re so addicted to this pattern that it’s necessary to come back to the original question several times before it is actually answered.

It sounds simple, and it is. But it may not be easy. If you are in the habit of just responding to the last thing that was said, you stay trapped in the confusion until you adopt this simple technique. Remember it the more you practice the easier it will be.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.