Admit your mistakes even if you don’t like the way your partner confronts you about them. It is tempting to defend yourself by attacking your partner, but if you do, you both lose in the long run.
When you feel attacked by your partner’s tone of voice or angry expression, it’s much easier to think about what s/he is doing wrong instead of what’s being said. Make the effort to listen and respond to your partner’s words. You can discuss your feelings about the delivery system later.
Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Discuss a recent situation in which either you or your partner was unhappy about the outcome. Practice acknowledging to each other what you did that made the situation worse. It can be as simple as saying, “Yes, I raised my voice.”
Forgo retaliation about money. If your partner spends money in a way that upsets you, discuss the problem, instead of going out and spending to get even with your partner.
Retaliation can lead to financial disaster. Upsets about how money is spent often mean that you do not have clear goals and guidelines about your financial life. Focus your conversation on establishing these goals and guidelines.
Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Have a conversation about how your spending patterns either support or undermine your goals. Decide if any changes are necessary.
So many people pretend to each other that their relationships are going well when they really aren't. They don't dare to talk about the problems let alone find resources to help solve those problems.
They may believe the myths that kill relationships and try to hold themselves accountable. "Don't argue" is one of the myths. It assumes you agree with each other, but it really means that one or both of you is giving up what you want in order to try to please the other. Since you don't really know what the other wants, you may or may not be successful at pleasing your partner.
Your resentment builds under the surface. You barely know it – you're so focused on your partner's needs instead of your own. You attribute your headaches or indigestion to stress. You smoke or use alcohol or drugs to manage the stress, and one day you decide it's all your partner's fault, that you've fallen out of love and need a new partner. Then, you tell your partner, who still loves you and begs you to go to counseling together.
And it's all because you believe the "Don't argue" myth. Of course, if argue means shouting at each other, calling each other names or throwing things, I can see your point.
But if arguing means having a verbal disagreement where each of you says what you want and explains your point to the other, then you're missing out. This kind of arguing only works if you are each willing to listen to the other without interrupting or justifying your own position.
In my office, most of my work with couples is about teaching them to express themselves and listen to their partners. Once they do this, they're ready to repair the respectful basis of the relationship and build a new one based on mutual respect and caring instead of mythology.
Protect what is important to you. If you have a cherished collection that is yours alone, or a private journal, or tools you use for your own work, it’s fine to set clear boundaries and not allow your partner access to them.
Some people need more privacy than others. It all depends on your personality type and your family background. You may need to have a conversation, and be very explicit about what things are off limits. If your partner understands why those things are private, s/he will be more likely to honor your boundaries.
Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Have a conversation about what you each needed to do to protect your own possessions from others when you were a child.
My husband often thinks about food at times when I am deeply involved in some other activity. That is not a problem. The problem comes when he interrupts my concentration because he wants me to think about food too.
This isn't much of a problem when we’re at home. We share a great deal of responsibility for food preparation. I am the chef and he is the sous chef. However, when I tell him to take care of himself, he does.
It's a bigger problem when we're traveling and we travel often. When he is hungry he assumes that I am hungry too. He approaches me as if I am already thinking about what he is thinking about. And I respond angrily. It's an instant response and I keep thinking that by now he should expect it.
I usually want breakfast about an hour after I wake up. He wakes up ravenously hungry and wants to eat right away. I like to read, write, or just fiddle around when I first wake up. I try to solve the problem by getting up much earlier than he does.
Often though, I'm deeply involved in something when he wakes up and says something like, "What are you thinking about breakfast?" Dammit, I am NOT thinking about breakfast at all! I'm thinking about something else and you're interrupting me! I often succeed in not saying that aloud — but not always.
When this happens, neither one of us is thinking about anything except how we feel and what we want for ourselves. We're usually feeling a little vulnerable, in an unfamiliar situation and trying to make ourselves comfortable. We're not thinking about the other or the external situation much at all.
Solving problems generally involves an awareness of your own feelings, the other person's feelings, and the external situation. In this case we were creating problems instead of solving them.
It would be easy to turn this into a bigger fight. We could each easily justify our positions and claim to be misunderstood. However, after many years of marriage, we've come to the conclusion that lots of things are not worth the effort to fight about. We usually recognize the pattern as soon as we see it, shrug and move on.
Much as we would like to be perfect, we're not and we’re not ever likely to be. Most of the time we consider each other’s feelings and most of the time things go pretty smoothly. We can relax and let good enough be good enough.
Decide what you will do when you partner persists in behavior you have requested that s/he change. Tell your partner about your decision. The next time that behavior occurs, do what you said you would do — even if you are scared.
It’s easier to start this behavior when you need to address a minor problem. If your partner clutters your mutual space and you are tired of the mess, tell your partner you will take the clutter and put it in a box in the basement. Then do it. When your partner asks, “Where is my___?” just say exactly what you did with it.
Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Have a conversation about something each one of you has agreed to do or change, but not followed through in your agreement. Decide together on a creative consequence that will occur next time your partner notices the offending behavior.
Keep agreements you make with your partner. Keeping agreements builds trust, which is the basis of almost everything important.
Sometimes agreements are explicit. “I will be home at 6 PM.” Sometimes they are unspoken — you each tell the other when you spend an unusual amount of money. Tell your partner in advance if you intend to change any kind of agreement.
Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Remember a time when you didn’t keep an agreement with your partner. Ask your partner if s/he noticed the broken agreement. Talk about what you each felt and thought in that situation.
Share the power and the decision-making. Avoid the resentment that comes when one is burdened with responsibility and the other resents being told what to do.
When it comes to decision-making, two heads really are better than one, even if one of you knows far more than the other about a particular subject.
Taking the time to thoroughly explain your rationale for your decision to your partner will clarify all of the information for both of you.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
List the decisions each of you makes without input from the other. Decide which of the decisions are minor and which ones are extremely important to both of you. Review one of the important decisions together.
Rosanne has given me permission to share this correspondence with you.
Thursday, 7th Hi Laurie, How does a relationship rebuild trust? My former fiancé and I had been together four and a half years when I sensed something was wrong, different, not right.
So I questioned, who he was talking to, he lied to my face denying everything. Saying that I was being crazy.
Well My fiancé (at the time) had been going behind my back and talking, texting, and emailing (from his work account) his cousin's ex-wife for over a month. During this time he proceeded to take her on a lunch date (during work hours), to the first place we had a date, and using cash from our joint checking account.
I did not learn about the lunch date from him. She called me the day I found out telling me how 'its not a big deal' etc etc.
Well needless to say I ended the engagement, moved into an apartment and tried not speaking with him.
Can this be repaired? I do not have any trust in him. He says that it was not physical, but he was emotionally cheating on me.
My husband and I recently heard the creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, Harville Hendrix, speak at a professional conference. In his speech he equated any negativity in relationship to verbal or psychological abuse and recommended that couples refrain from any form of negativity with each other.
Negativity as he describes it includes any expression of anger toward your significant other. He believes that most anger comes from a deep and unrealistic sense of entitlement. It reflects the belief that your partner should make you the center of his or her universe and meet all of your needs before you even express them.
This is taking to extremes my own belief that problems with your intimate partner can only be resolved by taking into account three important things. You must include your own needs and feelings, your partner’s needs and feelings, and relevant aspects of the situation.
My husband and I have a long history of trying out new ideas in our own relationship. However, we disagree with Hendrix’s view that anger is entirely based on the belief that the world should revolve around you and it doesn’t. We generally include three other types of anger:
1. Current anger, which is about something that just happened.
2. Archaic anger, which is about something that happened long ago. This can include anger at the world does not revolve around you, but also includes anger about abusive and inappropriate treatment that happened to you.
3. Racket anger, which looks and feels like an attempt to manipulate others. It’s usually about imagined rather than real situations. We have long recognized that expressions of archaic and racket anger only damage relationships — including our own. But we have allowed the expression of current anger in our own relationship as a prelude to problem solving.
Nevertheless we decided to experiment with Hendrix’s ideas and allow no negativity at all to be expressed in our relationship. This doesn’t mean that we don’t experience angry feelings — we do! Humans are wired from birth to experience frustration as increased energy and we identify that experience as "anger." We’re human and we experience that frustration with each other.
The difference lies in how we choose to express it. This has turned out to mean looking more deeply into why we may be annoyed with each other. It’s usually not about what we think it’s about at first.
Here’s one example: I may feel angry "because" he’s watching sports on TV again. When I look more deeply it’s because I’m feeling unappreciated. If I complain about the TV I may get myself some negative attention, but it won’t solve the real problem.
When I take the time to think it through, I can realize what I actually want or need and ask for it in an appropriate way. Another subtler example involves creating a negative atmosphere by complaining about something outside the relationship that you’re frustrated about but can’t control.
Jonathan used to routinely express anger at other drivers while I was sitting in the passenger seat in the car. Now this rarely happens, but if it does I say "this feels like negativity" and he honors our agreement and apologizes.
We have agreed that it’s fine to report feeling frustrated — just not to express it indirectly. It’s not perfect. We’ve been married for over 49 years and have an excellent relationship, mostly because, since our first major crisis, we’ve never stopped paying attention to what works and what doesn’t.
This is a refinement. It’s a subtle change but it’s making a very positive difference in how we feel when we are with each other.
Try having a talk with your partner about what negativity means to you and how you would like to change. Experiment for a week and then reevaluate. Decide if that’s the way you’d like to proceed with your own relationship.
