This question comes from a woman who's been married for 12 years and wants to keep a man whom she calls a good-looking womanizer. She's upset because she found unmistakable evidence of his sexual relationship with another woman in their apartment while she and their 11-year-old daughter were away on a five week visit to her parents. She says she loves him. I say it's a fatal attraction. Let me explain.

This isn't about love at all! It's about addiction! If I were telling her directly I would say this. You love him the same way an alcoholic loves alcohol or a drug addict loves heroin. You don't know what love is. All you know about is the temporary high that comes from your contact with him. He's a habit and even though every encounter with him leads to worse and worse feelings you keep coming back for more.

There is no way you can save this marriage. He is obviously a narcissist or a sex addict or both. If you're honest with yourself you know that you're dependent on him. You might have loved him once with the kind of falling in love energy that comes more from your hormones than anything else. He might even have been attracted to you then too, but I rather doubt it. In any case, he's been seeking other women since the honeymoon was over 11 years ago.

The question now is can you save yourself? Recovery from any addiction is a long and difficult path. The first step is to give up the addictive substance. That means ending this marriage! It won't be easy to do on your own so get help where ever you can. That can be from parents, friends or a safe house depending on your resources. At the very least you need to do this to protect her daughter.

Instead of focusing on how to control your husband's behavior which is impossible short of putting him in jail, you need to focus on your own. You can start by reading "Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?" by Brenda Schaeffer. You will need psychotherapy or counseling. Many women's shelters allow women who are living in the community at large to attend their programs. If you can't afford private therapy, look for help at a community mental health center.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

Instead of looking for the source of your unusual philanthropic belief (which I do believe merits psychotherapy), I'm going to treat it as an example of a destructive pattern that frequently occurs in marriages. The pattern involves rescuing, persecuting and feeling like a victim. In some places it's called The Drama Triangle and in others it’s an example of the games people play. Everyone who gets involved in it eventually loses.

In your case the pattern or game starts with your compulsion to rescue somebody who doesn't need or want rescuing. That shows up by doing something for somebody that they didn't ask for, don't need or don't want. Furthermore, by doing it you weaken their ability to ultimately be responsible for themselves. If this sounds familiar, you'll notice that this pattern occurs in many other places including between countries. These rescues fail.

What happens next may vary. In this case you persecute your husband by rescuing needy men. You do this by taking the attention you agreed to give to him in your marriage vows and bestowing it upon another. You feel victimized because your husband doesn't like your behavior. I'm sure that's no surprise to you.

You could also feel victimized because the men on whom you bestow your favors aren't very appreciative. Those who are rescued in this way rarely show appreciation because they somehow know the rescue is a real putdown. In any case you get to feel like a victim while blaming somebody else for your predicament.

A much more common way this pattern shows up in marriages is that a man tries to rescue his wife by telling her how to solve a problem that she has called to his attention. She didn't ask for his help in solving this problem, she just shared it with him. She persecutes him by getting angry at him for assuming that she is incompetent and needs help. He then feels like a victim for trying to help.

As long as you're in this pattern it's impossible to feel close or loving toward each other. It's clear that nobody can win when they fall into the trap of trying to be a rescuer. You won't be able to save your marriage as long as you insist on maintaining your "philanthropy." If you really want to save your marriage you will start by focusing on what you need for yourself instead of what believe other people need. Only then you can begin to communicate with your husband about what kind of marriage you want to create.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free HERE

Deciding To Leave A Problem Marriage

She's wondering whether it's wrong to leave this problem marriage.

She married him because she was in love, pregnant, Christians were telling her it was the moral thing to do and she was bribed. During the past seven years she has tried to get him to go to counseling, repeatedly asked for a divorce, been lured back to the marriage after she's left, and now he's promising to change — one more time. She says her kids are being put in harm’s way.

I don't have details, but from the rambling description she wrote, I strongly suspect that the mistreatment she alludes to should be called abuse. Read her words http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111225084126AAsPF4q and decide whether you agree with my answer.

It's never wrong to leave an abusive relationship. I'm reading between the lines here, but after 40 years as a marriage counselor I see too many signs of a cycle of abuse to ignore them. It sounds as if you had been in an emotionally abusive relationship that has degenerated into a physically abusive one.

The signs I am reading are that you have tried repeatedly to leave this marriage and being lured back by promises of good behavior that have never really materialized.

You said, “He knows he screwed up but he still wants to try and work on it. He said that 2 years ago and he said that last month. He has never shown signs of truly changing…”

I can't tell you how many abused women I've heard say the same thing. Every time an incident happens and you threaten to leave, he promises to reform. The reform lasts a very short time and then the negative behavior resumes and gets worse. You seem to be describing exactly this cycle.

It often takes women many tries to get out of a relationship like this. Some never do and wind up that badly hurt or even dead. Leaving can be dangerous, so take precautions for your physical safety. Check out the National Domestic Violence Hot Line www.thehotline.org for help.

It isn't wrong to walk out an abusive seven year marriage. Get out now. You owe it to yourself and your children.

This is how I answered her question:

Would you be asking these questions if your husband was acting this way because he had a serious they physical illness? My guess is you wouldn't. You'd be scared and upset like you are now but you'd be looking for ways to help him get well. It's entirely possible that he is suffering from an illness — an emotional one.

Depression in men often shows up as the kind of angry, blaming, emotionally abusive behavior you're describing. And depression could be his response to the stress of your situation.

Since you have had a good relationship for a long time and you do love him, don't give up without trying to get him the help he needs. If possible, he should see a doctor who can check out the reasons that his behavior has changed so drastically. If depression is the problem, medication can help.

You might be able to help by trying to get him to talk about his fears about the future. Many men think they shouldn't be afraid and are ashamed to talk about it so this could be a real challenge. Don't give up, you do have a chance to save your marriage.

At the very least don't allow yourself to stay and be berated. Tell him quietly but firmly that if he continues to talk to you that way you won't stay in the room. Then follow through. Tell him you'll be back 15 minutes and then go to another room and do something else to distract yourself while he cools off.

Resources: You’ll find information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

They've been married for eight years and fighting constantly for the last three months. She can't let go of her anger and bad feelings any longer. Counseling is not an option. He says it's all her fault. She says, "I am so done." I think their marriage still has a chance of success. Here's what I told her.

[You can find the original question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111211185506AAFYM7m]

When you're constantly fighting your situation can only go from bad to worse. Nothing is going to get solved by these arguments. You are into an ugly cycle that can be broken.

Three months feels like forever but it really isn't much if you've had eight years together. When you don't have skills to clear up little problems and resentments they built up and finally explode. That's what's happening now.

You're complaining that he has stopped listening to you. That's absolutely true and what's also true is that you have stopped listening to him. You can't change him. You are the only one you can change right now.

There are ways to learn the skills you need without a marriage counselor, but first you have to stop the constant fighting. Since it takes two people to fight and he isn't about to stop, you need to take control. You can do it by learning to think instead of react. Believe it or not, it's possible to think even when you're very angry.

Here are three steps to help you get started.

1. As soon as you feel a fight starting say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." Then go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the water and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Think about what you think he is angry about. Leave the bathroom.

2. As calmly as you can say, "Are you angry because (fill in the blank with your guess)?"

3. Listen to whatever he says in response and then say, "Is there something you would like me to do about that?"

This will break the cycle of fighting and open a conversation about what he wants. Listen carefully and you may find that you're sympathetic and want to help him. Once he feels heard he may even be willing to listen to you.

In any case, you will both probably feel a lot better about each other and start solving other problems together.

You can find more information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

Expectations of relationships have changed a lot in the past 50 years.

Reading the best-selling book, The Help by Kathryn Stockett, reminded me that as a young woman I was taught that being married always meant putting the needs of your husband first, always – no matter what.

That's a huge difference from my current belief that relationships, especially marriage, only work when they take into account the needs and feelings of both people and what is possible in any given situation.

An article in the Wall Street Journal of beautifully describes what happens over time in a healthy, busy,  2011 style marriage. In The Dance of Marriage: Who Does What? Katherine Rosman describes the trade-offs that occur and the valuable things that she actually does exchange with her husband.

It's so rare to find such a good, realistic description that I recommend clicking over and spending the 3 minutes it will take to read her article.

Then, if you would like instructions on how to do it yourself, check out the Being Happy Program at http://www.BeingHappyBook.com

I don't want a divorce. I love my husband and I try to show it regularly, but he doesn't seem to care. He refuses to talk to me except to tell me everything is my fault — even when he cheats.

This question was posted in a forum on the web some time ago. I keep finding similar questions and although I recognize each of them immediately as signs of a developing abusive relationship, you may not. These are signals I spot and you can learn to recognize also.

1. This is a one-sided relationship. She tries to please him, he refuses to be pleased.

2. He verbally abuses her by telling her that she is to blame for each problem.

3. She accepts his definition of her inadequacy and tries to do better.

4. He cheats and accepts no responsibility for his own behavior. In fact he delegates the responsibility to her. This is also abusive.

5. Despite everything, she still loves him and wants to stay with him.

They have both been in agreement that everything that is wrong with the relationship is due to her inadequacy. She might not have accepted the blame at first but over time and considerable repetition she feels increasingly helpless about standing up for herself.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has also convinced her to not have contact with her friends and family. He has probably said that they contribute to the problems in the relationship. Because nobody is left to contradict him, he becomes more and more powerful to her.

At this point, he may even start using physical abuse to reinforce his powerful position with her. He blames her for causing him to lose control. If she threatens to leave he will apologize profusely and promise never to do it again if only she will forgive him and stay with him. He will keep his word for a brief period of time and then the cycle will repeat itself.

This plaintive question on the forum may be the first sign that she recognizes something is truly wrong and is asking for help. Instead of offering advice about improving the relationship, she needs advice about taking care of herself either within the relationship or gathering the resources needed to leave the relationship.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, it's impossible for you to imagine how difficult it will be to support someone in leaving one. The best thing you can do is encourage your friend to seek professional help.

If you are in a relationship like this – if you've written letters like this or wanted to – you probably need help to understand your situation better and figure out what to do. A good first step is to put the words "resources abused women" into a search engine (Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc.) and call a hot line. The first doesn't work call another until someone can help you find what you need.

Communicate skillfully about sensitive subjects. Http://www.DareToSayIt.com/blog
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is a Master Certified Coach and communication expert. Dr. Weiss has spent 35 years helping clients resolve conflict in business and personal relationships.

Consider having both separate and joint accounts, and decide which expenses will be paid from which account. Most people feel happier and more empowered when they don’t need to account to anyone else about their personal spending.

There’s no single formula that fits for every couple. Some couples contribute to a single account to cover joint expenses while keeping most of their income separate. Other couples divide the responsibility for paying different expenses.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Discuss whether the system you are currently using is satisfactory for both of you. Even if it is, imagine using other options and see how you feel about them.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

my son is 15, i am 54. i want him to be disciplined, but he boycotts me and his life.
what can i do to bring positive energy, love, into our household?

Olga,

The more you insist that he do something the more he will resist you. He wants independence and to get it he may oppose your most cherished beliefs. Limit your battles to only the most critical areas.

He needs love and respect for his ideas and needs restraint only when the consequences of his actions now will cause serious damage to him or someone else in the future. Try asking questions that invite a thoughtful rather than a yes or no response AND listen to his answers.

To take care of yourself cultivate friendships with other parents of teens and trade ideas with each other.

You face a difficult challenge. I wish that I had managed that challenge better than I did nearly 30 years ago. Good luck and remember that in a few years he will probably become a responsible adult.

Dr. Laurie

You can Ask Dr. Laurie, too; just click on the red link on the right side of the page.

When you feel attacked by your partner’s tone of voice or angry expression, it’s much easier to think about what s/he is doing wrong instead of what’s being said. Make the effort to listen and respond to your partner’s words. You can discuss your feelings about the delivery system later.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Discuss a recent situation in which either you or your partner was unhappy about the outcome. Practice acknowledging to each other what you did that made the situation worse. It can be as simple as saying, “Yes, I raised my voice.”
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.