When you fight you push each other away and disconnect from each other. To make up, like many men, you want physical closeness. That closeness lets you know that you are loved. For many women though, it doesn't work that way at all. Women often need to reconnect in other ways before they feel like allowing physical closeness.

Hugging and kissing her may feel to her as if you want something else from her rather than that you are giving her something. The answer is giving her what she wants first before you try to get what you want. The problem is you probably have no idea what she wants.

Since you don't know, you simply follow the Golden Rule which says to treat others the way you would like to be treated. And that backfires because she needs something different than you do in order to feel loved again. You can save your marriage by using the Platinum Rule which says to treat others the way they would like to be treated.

Different people need different things to feel loved. Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages suggests that there are five different kinds of things people need to feel loved. Some people prefer physical touch, others want words of affirmation, others want acts of service and still others prefer gifts. Each person likes one or two the very best.

You need to find out what your wife's favorites are and give them to her. Then she'll probably be ready to kiss and makeup. Read the book and talk about it. Many people have also found marriage saving strategies at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . If these things still don’t work, a marriage counselor can help you sort things out.
 

This is how I answered her question:

Would you be asking these questions if your husband was acting this way because he had a serious they physical illness? My guess is you wouldn't. You'd be scared and upset like you are now but you'd be looking for ways to help him get well. It's entirely possible that he is suffering from an illness — an emotional one.

Depression in men often shows up as the kind of angry, blaming, emotionally abusive behavior you're describing. And depression could be his response to the stress of your situation.

Since you have had a good relationship for a long time and you do love him, don't give up without trying to get him the help he needs. If possible, he should see a doctor who can check out the reasons that his behavior has changed so drastically. If depression is the problem, medication can help.

You might be able to help by trying to get him to talk about his fears about the future. Many men think they shouldn't be afraid and are ashamed to talk about it so this could be a real challenge. Don't give up, you do have a chance to save your marriage.

At the very least don't allow yourself to stay and be berated. Tell him quietly but firmly that if he continues to talk to you that way you won't stay in the room. Then follow through. Tell him you'll be back 15 minutes and then go to another room and do something else to distract yourself while he cools off.

Resources: You’ll find information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

The truth is probably that YOU wish that your partner felt differently. Feelings are temporary responses to life imbalances. Asking questions about the reasons your partner feels as s/he does will help both of you understand the situation.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation with your partner about whether this is a problem for either of you. If it is, practice looking at the reasons for feelings together. Make an agreement to alert each other any time the problem recurs.
 

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Surprise your partner with a special treat. It does not need to involve money. A massage, a library book by a favorite author, a walk to see some flowers that are just blooming or taping a special TV program can count as much as an expensive gift.

This is a great antidote to feeling taken for granted. It breaks the routine and lets your partner know that you care. It’s especially useful when either of you has been involved in some intense activity.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Do it today.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Being fed is the original experience of being nurtured. For most people, it helps reduce tension and provides a sense of well-being. It’s a simple but powerful action you can take to bring you closer together.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Each of you list five different ways in which your partner can nurture you by feeding you. Review each other’s lists and choose at least one thing to do immediately. Then make plans about what you will do to feed each other in the future.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

TRUE LOVE

I’m not sure I can always tell love from passion. One father said of his teenaged son, “I don’t know if he’s in love or in heat!” What teenager would know? Besides, feelings of attraction can change more quickly than a pouty expression.

But love, in its truest form, is greater than feelings. It is as much a decision as it is a feeling.

Love is what Mr. and Mrs. Strauss shared. Mrs. Isadore Strauss was one of the few first class women passengers to go down with the Titanic in 1912, and she drowned because she could not bear to leave her husband.

They remained calm throughout the excitement of the sinking vessel. They both aided frightened women and children to find places aboard lifeboats. Finally, Mr. Strauss, who had repeatedly urged his wife to claim a spot safely aboard a lifeboat, forced her to enter one.

She was seated but a moment, however, when she sprang up and climbed back on deck before he could stop her. There, she caught his arm, snuggling it familiarly against her side, and exclaimed, “We have been long together for a great many years. We are old now. Where you go, I will go.”

Where you go, I will go. It is a decision to be together, come what may. I suspect she said something like that to him many times before. Maybe the words she used were different, but the meaning was the same. I want to be with you. Let’s do this together.

Where you go, I will go. It’s a decision to love. It is deciding to be there, wherever “there” may be. It is a decision to sacrifice, if sacrifice is needed. And it is choosing to re-decide it all over again tomorrow and the next day and the next.

As the ship sank beneath icy water on that cold and dark, April night, the Strausses merely re-made a decision they had made many times before throughout their life together. They decided on each other.

Where you go, I will go. At the heart of true love is often a decision, made again and again, to face the next day together … hand in hand.

– Steve Goodier

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[tags]Togetherness, Relationships, Care of Your Partner[/tags]