Relationship Advice » Communication

Respond Instead of Counterattacking

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 22:43:03 +0000

Admit your mistakes even if you don’t like the way your partner confronts you about them. It is tempting to defend yourself by attacking your partner, but if you do, you both lose in the long run.

When you feel attacked by your partner’s tone of voice or angry expression, it’s much easier to think about what s/he is doing wrong instead of what’s being said. Make the effort to listen and respond to your partner’s words. You can discuss your feelings about the delivery system later.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Discuss a recent situation in which either you or your partner was unhappy about the outcome. Practice acknowledging to each other what you did that made the situation worse. It can be as simple as saying, “Yes, I raised my voice.”

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Can’t Finish A Conversation? 3 Stunningly Simple Steps To Overcome This Challenge

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 20:52:13 +0000

In all the years I’ve been helping couples learn to communicate with each other, I’m always amazed at how many of them are frustrated because they can never finish a simple conversation. In fact many of them tell me that all conversations end in confusing arguments that only go around in circles.

Well, I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be that way. I am sad because so many relationships end in disaster because they just don’t know how to get out of the circular argument trap.

If you want to save your relationship (and I KNOW you do!) here are three stunningly simple ways to sidestep this challenge. Your conversations really can end with the feeling of completion instead of with an argument.

You may not end up in agreement but at least you will understand each other’s positions.

First you need to decide why you are having a conversation in the first place. It can be as simple as wanting to know what time your partner is going to meet you have to work. You really MUST start with the end in mind.

Second, no matter what your partner says about some other topic, you need to respond to his or her new topic AND then remember why you’re having the conversation.

Your partner may say he will have a busy afternoon because of the big project. First say “Yes, I know you’ll be busy.” Then instead of talking about why he’s busy, REMEMBER that you want to set a meeting time. If you forget this step you have already accepted his invitation to get back into the circle trap.

Third you must remind your partner about the original reason for your conversation. After sympathizing with your partner about how busy he’ll be, REMIND him that all you want to know is what time he can meet you.

Wash, rinse and repeat as necessary.

Some of the couples I’ve worked with find that they’re so addicted to this pattern that it’s necessary to come back to the original question several times before it is actually answered.

It sounds simple, and it is. But it may not be easy. If you are in the habit of just responding to the last thing that was said, you stay trapped in the confusion until you adopt this simple technique. Remember it the more you practice the easier it will be.

Ask Before You Try to Help

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 22:27:31 +0000

Find out whether or not your partner wants your help in solving a problem before you jump in and offer suggestions. Some people just want a sympathetic listener and will feel insulted if you try to help.

It’s only natural to want to help solve a problem. However we don’t always know what will be the best help we could give our partner. Try asking, “What can I do help?” Listen to the answer, and then decide what to offer.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Practice asking your partner, “What can I do help?” When your partner asks you that question, be sure it is answered thoughtfully instead of automatically.

Celebrate Anything You Like

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:22:10 +0000

Develop your own special occasions. They can be to celebrate something you have experienced together or just because.

You can celebrate the anniversary of your first meeting, the first snowfall, your cat’s birthday, paying off a charge card or cleaning out the garage. Celebrations are fun and help us wake up and notice the good things that happen to us.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Pick something to celebrate together, and do it today!

Getting Clear Is Better Than Getting Even

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 22:18:22 +0000

Forgo retaliation about money. If your partner spends money in a way that upsets you, discuss the problem, instead of going out and spending to get even with your partner.

Retaliation can lead to financial disaster. Upsets about how money is spent often mean that you do not have clear goals and guidelines about your financial life. Focus your conversation on establishing these goals and guidelines.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about how your spending patterns either support or undermine your goals. Decide if any changes are necessary.

The Hidden Danger of Not Arguing

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 16:59:45 +0000

So many people pretend to each other that their relationships are going well when they really aren't. They don't dare to talk about the problems let alone find resources to help solve those problems.

They may believe the myths that kill relationships and try to hold themselves accountable. "Don't argue" is one of the myths. It assumes you agree with each other, but it really means that one or both of you is giving up what you want in order to try to please the other. Since you don't really know what the other wants, you may or may not be successful at pleasing your partner.

Your resentment builds under the surface. You barely know it – you're so focused on your partner's needs instead of your own. You attribute your headaches or indigestion to stress. You smoke or use alcohol or drugs to manage the stress, and one day you decide it's all your partner's fault, that you've fallen out of love and need a new partner. Then, you tell your partner, who still loves you and begs you to go to counseling together.

And it's all because you believe the "Don't argue" myth. Of course, if argue means shouting at each other, calling each other names or throwing things, I can see your point.

But if arguing means having a verbal disagreement where each of you says what you want and explains your point to the other, then you're missing out. This kind of arguing only works if you are each willing to listen to the other without interrupting or justifying your own position.

In my office, most of my work with couples is about teaching them to express themselves and listen to their partners. Once they do this, they're ready to repair the respectful basis of the relationship and build a new one based on mutual respect and caring instead of mythology.

You Don’t Have to Share Everything

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 22:16:30 +0000

Protect what is important to you. If you have a cherished collection that is yours alone, or a private journal, or tools you use for your own work, it’s fine to set clear boundaries and not allow your partner access to them.

Some people need more privacy than others. It all depends on your personality type and your family background. You may need to have a conversation, and be very explicit about what things are off limits. If your partner understands why those things are private, s/he will be more likely to honor your boundaries.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about what you each needed to do to protect your own possessions from others when you were a child.

Why Fight About It?

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 15:00:39 +0000

My husband often thinks about food at times when I am deeply involved in some other activity. That is not a problem. The problem comes when he interrupts my concentration because he wants me to think about food too.

This isn't much of a problem when we’re at home. We share a great deal of responsibility for food preparation. I am the chef and he is the sous chef. However, when I tell him to take care of himself, he does.

It's a bigger problem when we're traveling and we travel often. When he is hungry he assumes that I am hungry too. He approaches me as if I am already thinking about what he is thinking about. And I respond angrily. It's an instant response and I keep thinking that by now he should expect it.

I usually want breakfast about an hour after I wake up. He wakes up ravenously hungry and wants to eat right away. I like to read, write, or just fiddle around when I first wake up. I try to solve the problem by getting up much earlier than he does.

Often though, I'm deeply involved in something when he wakes up and says something like, "What are you thinking about breakfast?" Dammit, I am NOT thinking about breakfast at all! I'm thinking about something else and you're interrupting me! I often succeed in not saying that aloud — but not always.

When this happens, neither one of us is thinking about anything except how we feel and what we want for ourselves. We're usually feeling a little vulnerable, in an unfamiliar situation and trying to make ourselves comfortable. We're not thinking about the other or the external situation much at all.

Solving problems generally involves an awareness of your own feelings, the other person's feelings, and the external situation. In this case we were creating problems instead of solving them.

It would be easy to turn this into a bigger fight. We could each easily justify our positions and claim to be misunderstood. However, after many years of marriage, we've come to the conclusion that lots of things are not worth the effort to fight about. We usually recognize the pattern as soon as we see it, shrug and move on.

Much as we would like to be perfect, we're not and we’re not ever likely to be. Most of the time we consider each other’s feelings and most of the time things go pretty smoothly. We can relax and let good enough be good enough.

Deliberately Create Consequences

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 22:09:22 +0000

Decide what you will do when you partner persists in behavior you have requested that s/he change. Tell your partner about your decision. The next time that behavior occurs, do what you said you would do — even if you are scared.

It’s easier to start this behavior when you need to address a minor problem. If your partner clutters your mutual space and you are tired of the mess, tell your partner you will take the clutter and put it in a box in the basement. Then do it. When your partner asks, “Where is my___?” just say exactly what you did with it.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about something each one of you has agreed to do or change, but not followed through in your agreement. Decide together on a creative consequence that will occur next time your partner notices the offending behavior.

Marriage: After The Honeymoon Is Over

Laurie Weiss — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 22:52:55 +0000

“When I first married I was not conscious of trying to change my new wife into my ideal, though that’s exactly what I was doing. It was selfish of me…” (Excerpt from comment Ray left on 3/20/2010)

Ray isn't alone. When we first marry we're usually under the influence of our biological programming known as "being in love." In this condition all we can see is that our partner is our ideal.

It's only natural that both new husbands and new wives try to keep their new spouses matching the pictures they carry of each other in their respective minds. Of course none of us is as wonderful as our new spouse thinks we are.

Unless we're exceptionally mature when we marry, we will keep trying to make reality match our wonderful fantasy. I think that's what you mean by not being conscious of what you doing.

The really big challenge is the one that Ray has successfully mastered. His comment continues, " I have since changed my ways, and now enjoy a happy relationship with my wife."

The challenge is creating a happy relationship once the blinders come off and we see begin to see each other as the flawed human beings we really are. That takes both kindness and resourcefulness — and for many couples — outside help.

The normal cycle of relationships seems to include

First idealizing each other,
Then falling into a co-dependent pattern in which we each try very hard to please the other.
Next one or both of us get tired of trying so hard to be who we're not and we struggle for power to prove which one is right (That's where we often divorce or seek counseling.)
If and when we get through the power struggle we discover that we're two separate people
Finally we create a mature, loving relationship where we see and accept each other as we really are instead of as fantasy we married.

I've described this process in much more detail in my e-book, Being Happy Together: How to Create a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week http://www.BeingHappyBook.com

The program in that e-book contains over 200 suggestions for activities to help you and your partner mature, loving relationship you desire and deserve.