Children make up stories about scary monsters to keep them from doing things they're not supposed to do. For example if there's a monster under the bed, they stay in bed instead of getting up and being repeatedly disciplined by their parents. Of course if they make up monsters that are too scary then they wind up calling for help anyway. This is a mixed blessing. It gets some attention, but it also annoys their parents.

Are you looking for attention and reassurance by sharing your story with your spouse and begging to be told it's not true? Are you making up a story that your husband or wife thinks someone else is prettier or more interesting than you are? You could share that story to get reassurance that he or she still likes you best.

Or are you trying to protect yourself? Frequently spouses make up stories that their husbands or wives would be angry if they took a particular action.

A woman might tell herself that her husband would be angry if she quit her job to go back to school and learn a new skill. She's actually very ambivalent about taking the risk of struggling to learn the skill, so as long as she tells herself that she can't do it because he'd get angry, then she doesn't have to take the risk of trying something new that she might not succeed in doing.

A man might tell himself that his wife would be angry if he joined an after work basketball team. He knows he needs the exercise but would really rather be a couch potato. By scaring himself with the story, he doesn't have to take responsibility for not getting enough exercise. It becomes his wife's fault.

In any case, the reason for making up false stuff is avoiding having a conversation with your spouse about what's really important to you. It might be that you're not even sure about what's important to you and need to figure that out before you can ask for anything.

If you really want to save your marriage it's critical that you learn to have those scary but important conversations. My clients with successful, happy marriages do this by using The Being Happy Program http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . So if you're really serious about saving your marriage get started that program right away.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

When you fight you push each other away and disconnect from each other. To make up, like many men, you want physical closeness. That closeness lets you know that you are loved. For many women though, it doesn't work that way at all. Women often need to reconnect in other ways before they feel like allowing physical closeness.

Hugging and kissing her may feel to her as if you want something else from her rather than that you are giving her something. The answer is giving her what she wants first before you try to get what you want. The problem is you probably have no idea what she wants.

Since you don't know, you simply follow the Golden Rule which says to treat others the way you would like to be treated. And that backfires because she needs something different than you do in order to feel loved again. You can save your marriage by using the Platinum Rule which says to treat others the way they would like to be treated.

Different people need different things to feel loved. Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages suggests that there are five different kinds of things people need to feel loved. Some people prefer physical touch, others want words of affirmation, others want acts of service and still others prefer gifts. Each person likes one or two the very best.

You need to find out what your wife's favorites are and give them to her. Then she'll probably be ready to kiss and makeup. Read the book and talk about it. Many people have also found marriage saving strategies at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . If these things still don’t work, a marriage counselor can help you sort things out.
 

The reason may have nothing to do with you. He may be facing some sort difficult challenge and be depressed because he feels powerless to manage it. Men have a hard time talking about their feelings and sometimes the mounting pressure leads to depression. Is he withdrawing from everybody or just from you?

He could be withdrawing from you because you have done or said something that he doesn't like and he doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Sometimes it's something physical like gaining weight or not taking good care of yourself. Maybe he feels that you're pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do or not leaving him enough personal time and space. Sometimes a pattern develops when one spouse feels smothered and wants space and causes the other to feel abandoned and act clingy.

It's also possible that something worse is going on. He could be having an affair with someone else and getting his physical closeness there. He could be bored and angry or feel trapped. He could be spending his time watching pornography on the Internet.

If you haven't asked him about why this behavior has changed, you can start there. Since he's withdrawing he may not answer your question. You need to start to notice anything that's a possible clue to his behavior. It's easy to not pay attention to things we don't really want to know about so this may not be easy. Do it anyway.

A marriage counselor can help you both understand what's going on and what to do about it. A step you can try before you see a counselor is to learn to act differently yourself.  "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is filled with useful information about how to do this. You can get your copy at http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com .

Lisa cheated on her long term boyfriend when she was really drunk at a party. She told the truth, has stopped drinking and he may be ready to try again. She’s afraid she will always feel guilty for hurting him and isn’t sure trying again is a good idea.

You can see Lisa’s complete question here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111230164326AApns8D

Here is my advice about why I think she should try to heal their relationship:

Lisa, Did you do things you regret just because of the alcohol or because there was some other problem in your relationship? If it was just because of the alcohol and there are no underlying relationship problems than stay and learn to heal together.

Do you know that this Ernest Hemingway quote “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” is also true for relationships? You seem to have shocked yourself into recognizing what your real priorities are.

Don’t blow the possibility of renewing this long-lasting relationship for the fantasy of feeling no guilt. Guilt is a natural feeling that comes when we have hurt another person and that is exactly what you did. The purpose of guilt is to remind you to change your behavior, make amends and move on. Staying guilty forever serves no purpose at all.

The real issue is talking through what your ex-boyfriend would consider an action you can take to help him to forgive you. If he forgives you and you still have trouble forgiving yourself then a counselor can help you learn to take that step.

No mature person can get through this life without doing dumb things and feeling guilty and dealing with consequences. Good luck and best wishes…

Resources

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ernest_Hemingway

My "Being Happy Program" http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com would be a useful resource to help you heal and grow your relationship.

This is how I answered her question:

Would you be asking these questions if your husband was acting this way because he had a serious they physical illness? My guess is you wouldn't. You'd be scared and upset like you are now but you'd be looking for ways to help him get well. It's entirely possible that he is suffering from an illness — an emotional one.

Depression in men often shows up as the kind of angry, blaming, emotionally abusive behavior you're describing. And depression could be his response to the stress of your situation.

Since you have had a good relationship for a long time and you do love him, don't give up without trying to get him the help he needs. If possible, he should see a doctor who can check out the reasons that his behavior has changed so drastically. If depression is the problem, medication can help.

You might be able to help by trying to get him to talk about his fears about the future. Many men think they shouldn't be afraid and are ashamed to talk about it so this could be a real challenge. Don't give up, you do have a chance to save your marriage.

At the very least don't allow yourself to stay and be berated. Tell him quietly but firmly that if he continues to talk to you that way you won't stay in the room. Then follow through. Tell him you'll be back 15 minutes and then go to another room and do something else to distract yourself while he cools off.

Resources: You’ll find information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

They've been married for eight years and fighting constantly for the last three months. She can't let go of her anger and bad feelings any longer. Counseling is not an option. He says it's all her fault. She says, "I am so done." I think their marriage still has a chance of success. Here's what I told her.

[You can find the original question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111211185506AAFYM7m]

When you're constantly fighting your situation can only go from bad to worse. Nothing is going to get solved by these arguments. You are into an ugly cycle that can be broken.

Three months feels like forever but it really isn't much if you've had eight years together. When you don't have skills to clear up little problems and resentments they built up and finally explode. That's what's happening now.

You're complaining that he has stopped listening to you. That's absolutely true and what's also true is that you have stopped listening to him. You can't change him. You are the only one you can change right now.

There are ways to learn the skills you need without a marriage counselor, but first you have to stop the constant fighting. Since it takes two people to fight and he isn't about to stop, you need to take control. You can do it by learning to think instead of react. Believe it or not, it's possible to think even when you're very angry.

Here are three steps to help you get started.

1. As soon as you feel a fight starting say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." Then go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the water and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Think about what you think he is angry about. Leave the bathroom.

2. As calmly as you can say, "Are you angry because (fill in the blank with your guess)?"

3. Listen to whatever he says in response and then say, "Is there something you would like me to do about that?"

This will break the cycle of fighting and open a conversation about what he wants. Listen carefully and you may find that you're sympathetic and want to help him. Once he feels heard he may even be willing to listen to you.

In any case, you will both probably feel a lot better about each other and start solving other problems together.

You can find more information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

Jason’s 2^nd Letter

 Hey this is Jason from Slovakia; feel free to post my message anywhere you want.

 If something happens during these days that I would have to make rash decisions I would like to get some more advice from you. Thanks for all the advice you gave me earlier by the way.

 I would just want to comment on one advice you gave me about taking several years for me and Marie to go into a relationship. I know you’re an expert but several years like let's say 4 are just way too long.

 We have a history together and planed a future together. It's hard for me to explain what we had. We are young, but I know allot of people who date, are in a relationship etc. but I could never compare our relationship with any of them. It was much more different.

 A lot of others had arguments, didn't care that much for one another … and when it comes to us, we had to be patient every day and only type through internet without the feel of a touch.  And when that day finally came, it was a '' BIG BANG '' just to feel, see and kiss each other.

When the day came to an end, tears were falling most of the time as the cycle repeats itself. So you see it isn't all that I couldn't move on from a girl. It’s because the bond was tremendous.

Right now I'm following the book '' THE MAGIC OF MAKING UP '' written by T.W Jackson, you might have heard of it.  It has given me so much confidence and hope that I can't leave behind. It also says to be prepared to let go before I see her again.

So by that time I must prepare myself if it isn't the right time. This is a real grab to the heart and the hardest step. If you could send me another reply I would be happy to hear more from you and would want to read from some of your people that got together and their story.

 Response #2

Dear Jason,

I am glad that you have the book to help you. Letting go is the key and I know it is a real challenge. I found two quotes about letting go that may be helpful. One is very old…

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

Alison Willcocks adds: This ancient Chinese proverb articulates a powerful truth http://www.globalideasbank.org/Tips/TipJan27.html

This one is written more recently.

Don't hold the butterfly too tight, or he will struggle to be free…

Letting go of love, letting the butterfly go free.
Don't grasp it in your hands or it will die.
Hold the love and laughter within your heart. (more)http://www.flickr.com/photos/n2kmp/3751591375/

As long as you keep growing and learning you will do fine. You’ll find that both joy and disappointment are necessary parts of life and everyone needs to manage both.

Warmly,

Laurie 

It's a QuickReadBook.com Audio CD.

Just click this link and you can see it for yourself: http://tinyurl.com/4nahsgm

Here is some information directly from Amazon:

The Top 10 Hidden Beliefs About Relationships And How To Stop Them From Poisoning Your Marriage

Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., and Jonathan B. Weiss, Ph.D.

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• A relationship will only work with the right person…
• If a relationship is right, you shouldn't have to work at it…
• If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you what I want…
• Falling out of love means the relationship is in trouble…
• You should always act on your feelings… 
• My partner is responsible for how I feel…

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Relationship coaches and marriage counselors Drs. Jonathan and Laurie Weiss have spent over 40 years studying, practicing and teaching relationship
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They are internationally known coaches, consultants, psychotherapists, speakers and authors. They have presented their work throughout
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Married since 1960, they have been in practice since 1972. They focus on helping clients create dynamic, effective personal and working
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Order it from Amazon now: http://tinyurl.com/4nahsgm

Once you listen, please leave a review on Amazon. Then contact me and I'll send you a free copy of "124 Tips for Having a Great
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The following correspondence is with an 18 year old man in Slovakia. I have changed his name to protect his privacy and edited only for clarity.

 Jason’s 1^st Letter

 Hello Laurie,

 My ex and I broke up two weeks ago on our 2 year anniversary. We didn't fight; we never fought and never were angry with one another. It was just that day she said that we need to talk. She said she didn't love me anymore and I thought she was only joking. Then we talked about it and I begged and begged.

 The other day I went to see her. That was the most begging and crying I have ever done. She told me the truth that it was because of her new friend that she finds attractive and she was scared she could cheat with him and ended it here. And then … what happened? We started to laugh and kiss and all that good stuff (no sex). And it was like friends kissing. I said that if I have a chance with her. She said yes.

 The other day I messed up. You see, we are 30km away from each other, she has school and her parents were pushing her away from me even though from 1 and 1/2 years I known her parents and it was OK with them and they bonded with my family as well.

 One day of November me and her family went to kill a pig a butcher him and all that stuff. The day after I left they told her I was lazy (her whole family, even though I don't know a thing in butchering or stuff like that).

 We saw each other 1 day in a week. (In all two years the math is like 1.45 times a week) Sometimes we were together for a week and it was every day a beautiful day with her. Like I said we never fought. The main anger in me is that guy because he typed to my GF (Marie) that he thinks he fall in love with her. And when they saw each other like from 4 to 5 times in a week (In school.) It could have triggered her feelings for me.

 This is where I need help. I followed the ' No Contact ' rule for like a week and something. I love her and miss her every single minute and when we are together it was always magical. I know it's me because I'm a bit overweight, lazy in house chores etc. But when we started dating I was way fatter. I'm 18 and she's 16.

 I've read books on this and everything. I'm going to improve my life and everything. I jog, go to the gym, I'm more helpful at home and all that stuff. I'm even finding a job to pay a drivers license, buy a car and live next to her if she comes back. I need your advice were have I gone wrong in everything.

I don't smoke, drink, I've never been jealous and never have I shouted on her or hit her. I know shes to young, but she is so smart for her age and everything. Please if you could help in any way possible. I'm willing sacrifice myself for anything just to be a stronger me. – Jason from Slovakia

 Response #1

Jason,

 The only possible way you can get your ex back is to stop pursuing her and focus on your own growth and development. 

 Congratulations on the good start you have made. The more interesting you make yourself through what you learn, how you act, and yes, how well you take care of yourself physically, the more attractive you become to others. If she fails to notice, which is very likely since she is distracted by people she meets at school, some other young woman will find you appealing.

 You should also learn to disagree without being disagreeable in any relationship.  Never fighting does not necessarily mean a relationship is going well. It often means that one or both of you is afraid to express your own opinion about what you want or how you feel.

 You and your ex both should take several years to explore the world before you settle down into permanent relationships.

 Laurie

 PS I will edit your letter and my response and post them on my blog.  I will disguise your identity, but I would like to mention that you live in Slovakia. That will interest my readers.

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