Read about it HERE.

Children make up stories about scary monsters to keep them from doing things they're not supposed to do. For example if there's a monster under the bed, they stay in bed instead of getting up and being repeatedly disciplined by their parents. Of course if they make up monsters that are too scary then they wind up calling for help anyway. This is a mixed blessing. It gets some attention, but it also annoys their parents.

Are you looking for attention and reassurance by sharing your story with your spouse and begging to be told it's not true? Are you making up a story that your husband or wife thinks someone else is prettier or more interesting than you are? You could share that story to get reassurance that he or she still likes you best.

Or are you trying to protect yourself? Frequently spouses make up stories that their husbands or wives would be angry if they took a particular action.

A woman might tell herself that her husband would be angry if she quit her job to go back to school and learn a new skill. She's actually very ambivalent about taking the risk of struggling to learn the skill, so as long as she tells herself that she can't do it because he'd get angry, then she doesn't have to take the risk of trying something new that she might not succeed in doing.

A man might tell himself that his wife would be angry if he joined an after work basketball team. He knows he needs the exercise but would really rather be a couch potato. By scaring himself with the story, he doesn't have to take responsibility for not getting enough exercise. It becomes his wife's fault.

In any case, the reason for making up false stuff is avoiding having a conversation with your spouse about what's really important to you. It might be that you're not even sure about what's important to you and need to figure that out before you can ask for anything.

If you really want to save your marriage it's critical that you learn to have those scary but important conversations. My clients with successful, happy marriages do this by using The Being Happy Program http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . So if you're really serious about saving your marriage get started that program right away.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

Instead of looking for the source of your unusual philanthropic belief (which I do believe merits psychotherapy), I'm going to treat it as an example of a destructive pattern that frequently occurs in marriages. The pattern involves rescuing, persecuting and feeling like a victim. In some places it's called The Drama Triangle and in others it’s an example of the games people play. Everyone who gets involved in it eventually loses.

In your case the pattern or game starts with your compulsion to rescue somebody who doesn't need or want rescuing. That shows up by doing something for somebody that they didn't ask for, don't need or don't want. Furthermore, by doing it you weaken their ability to ultimately be responsible for themselves. If this sounds familiar, you'll notice that this pattern occurs in many other places including between countries. These rescues fail.

What happens next may vary. In this case you persecute your husband by rescuing needy men. You do this by taking the attention you agreed to give to him in your marriage vows and bestowing it upon another. You feel victimized because your husband doesn't like your behavior. I'm sure that's no surprise to you.

You could also feel victimized because the men on whom you bestow your favors aren't very appreciative. Those who are rescued in this way rarely show appreciation because they somehow know the rescue is a real putdown. In any case you get to feel like a victim while blaming somebody else for your predicament.

A much more common way this pattern shows up in marriages is that a man tries to rescue his wife by telling her how to solve a problem that she has called to his attention. She didn't ask for his help in solving this problem, she just shared it with him. She persecutes him by getting angry at him for assuming that she is incompetent and needs help. He then feels like a victim for trying to help.

As long as you're in this pattern it's impossible to feel close or loving toward each other. It's clear that nobody can win when they fall into the trap of trying to be a rescuer. You won't be able to save your marriage as long as you insist on maintaining your "philanthropy." If you really want to save your marriage you will start by focusing on what you need for yourself instead of what believe other people need. Only then you can begin to communicate with your husband about what kind of marriage you want to create.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free HERE

The reason may have nothing to do with you. He may be facing some sort difficult challenge and be depressed because he feels powerless to manage it. Men have a hard time talking about their feelings and sometimes the mounting pressure leads to depression. Is he withdrawing from everybody or just from you?

He could be withdrawing from you because you have done or said something that he doesn't like and he doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Sometimes it's something physical like gaining weight or not taking good care of yourself. Maybe he feels that you're pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do or not leaving him enough personal time and space. Sometimes a pattern develops when one spouse feels smothered and wants space and causes the other to feel abandoned and act clingy.

It's also possible that something worse is going on. He could be having an affair with someone else and getting his physical closeness there. He could be bored and angry or feel trapped. He could be spending his time watching pornography on the Internet.

If you haven't asked him about why this behavior has changed, you can start there. Since he's withdrawing he may not answer your question. You need to start to notice anything that's a possible clue to his behavior. It's easy to not pay attention to things we don't really want to know about so this may not be easy. Do it anyway.

A marriage counselor can help you both understand what's going on and what to do about it. A step you can try before you see a counselor is to learn to act differently yourself.  "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is filled with useful information about how to do this. You can get your copy at http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com .

Read Kirsten's complete letter here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111231200443AA54i96

I told her this:

Kristen,

You are married to an alcoholic. Whether or not he's drinking he is still an alcoholic. Alcoholism can be viewed as a progressive disease. It doesn't go away. Before you can make any kind of a decision you need information about this disease and what it's like to live with someone who may always be one drink away from serious trouble.

The place to get this information is Al-Anon. This is a group for people who are in relationship with an alcoholic. It's free and meetings are available almost everywhere.

Website description: “The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.” 

Be clear that recovery that does not mean cure, but it does mean that people with this disease can live rich and rewarding lives as long as they pay attention to certain guidelines. If you decide to stay and he decides to follow the guidelines, there can be a lot of growth for both of you.

Talking to other people who are facing similar challenges will help you de-stress and think more clearly about your situation. Get to a meeting as soon as you can. You won't regret it.

Here is a link to the Al-Anon website description. www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html  Look on the bottom of the box for the link "How to Locate a Meeting"

If you decide to stay married, you will find information about building your marriage at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

Lisa cheated on her long term boyfriend when she was really drunk at a party. She told the truth, has stopped drinking and he may be ready to try again. She’s afraid she will always feel guilty for hurting him and isn’t sure trying again is a good idea.

You can see Lisa’s complete question here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111230164326AApns8D

Here is my advice about why I think she should try to heal their relationship:

Lisa, Did you do things you regret just because of the alcohol or because there was some other problem in your relationship? If it was just because of the alcohol and there are no underlying relationship problems than stay and learn to heal together.

Do you know that this Ernest Hemingway quote “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” is also true for relationships? You seem to have shocked yourself into recognizing what your real priorities are.

Don’t blow the possibility of renewing this long-lasting relationship for the fantasy of feeling no guilt. Guilt is a natural feeling that comes when we have hurt another person and that is exactly what you did. The purpose of guilt is to remind you to change your behavior, make amends and move on. Staying guilty forever serves no purpose at all.

The real issue is talking through what your ex-boyfriend would consider an action you can take to help him to forgive you. If he forgives you and you still have trouble forgiving yourself then a counselor can help you learn to take that step.

No mature person can get through this life without doing dumb things and feeling guilty and dealing with consequences. Good luck and best wishes…

Resources

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ernest_Hemingway

My "Being Happy Program" http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com would be a useful resource to help you heal and grow your relationship.

This is how I answered her question:

Would you be asking these questions if your husband was acting this way because he had a serious they physical illness? My guess is you wouldn't. You'd be scared and upset like you are now but you'd be looking for ways to help him get well. It's entirely possible that he is suffering from an illness — an emotional one.

Depression in men often shows up as the kind of angry, blaming, emotionally abusive behavior you're describing. And depression could be his response to the stress of your situation.

Since you have had a good relationship for a long time and you do love him, don't give up without trying to get him the help he needs. If possible, he should see a doctor who can check out the reasons that his behavior has changed so drastically. If depression is the problem, medication can help.

You might be able to help by trying to get him to talk about his fears about the future. Many men think they shouldn't be afraid and are ashamed to talk about it so this could be a real challenge. Don't give up, you do have a chance to save your marriage.

At the very least don't allow yourself to stay and be berated. Tell him quietly but firmly that if he continues to talk to you that way you won't stay in the room. Then follow through. Tell him you'll be back 15 minutes and then go to another room and do something else to distract yourself while he cools off.

Resources: You’ll find information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

They've been married for eight years and fighting constantly for the last three months. She can't let go of her anger and bad feelings any longer. Counseling is not an option. He says it's all her fault. She says, "I am so done." I think their marriage still has a chance of success. Here's what I told her.

[You can find the original question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111211185506AAFYM7m]

When you're constantly fighting your situation can only go from bad to worse. Nothing is going to get solved by these arguments. You are into an ugly cycle that can be broken.

Three months feels like forever but it really isn't much if you've had eight years together. When you don't have skills to clear up little problems and resentments they built up and finally explode. That's what's happening now.

You're complaining that he has stopped listening to you. That's absolutely true and what's also true is that you have stopped listening to him. You can't change him. You are the only one you can change right now.

There are ways to learn the skills you need without a marriage counselor, but first you have to stop the constant fighting. Since it takes two people to fight and he isn't about to stop, you need to take control. You can do it by learning to think instead of react. Believe it or not, it's possible to think even when you're very angry.

Here are three steps to help you get started.

1. As soon as you feel a fight starting say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." Then go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the water and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Think about what you think he is angry about. Leave the bathroom.

2. As calmly as you can say, "Are you angry because (fill in the blank with your guess)?"

3. Listen to whatever he says in response and then say, "Is there something you would like me to do about that?"

This will break the cycle of fighting and open a conversation about what he wants. Listen carefully and you may find that you're sympathetic and want to help him. Once he feels heard he may even be willing to listen to you.

In any case, you will both probably feel a lot better about each other and start solving other problems together.

You can find more information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

It's a QuickReadBook.com Audio CD.

Just click this link and you can see it for yourself: http://tinyurl.com/4nahsgm

Here is some information directly from Amazon:

The Top 10 Hidden Beliefs About Relationships And How To Stop Them From Poisoning Your Marriage

Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., and Jonathan B. Weiss, Ph.D.

Are These Dangerous Beliefs Poisoning Your Marriage?

• A relationship will only work with the right person…
• If a relationship is right, you shouldn't have to work at it…
• If you really loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you what I want…
• Falling out of love means the relationship is in trouble…
• You should always act on your feelings… 
• My partner is responsible for how I feel…

And Much more!

Relationship coaches and marriage counselors Drs. Jonathan and Laurie Weiss have spent over 40 years studying, practicing and teaching relationship
building skills.

They are internationally known coaches, consultants, psychotherapists, speakers and authors. They have presented their work throughout
the US and thirteen other countries.

Married since 1960, they have been in practice since 1972. They focus on helping clients create dynamic, effective personal and working
relationships.

Order it from Amazon now: http://tinyurl.com/4nahsgm

Once you listen, please leave a review on Amazon. Then contact me and I'll send you a free copy of "124 Tips for Having a Great
Relationship." See the description at http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com

I don't want a divorce. I love my husband and I try to show it regularly, but he doesn't seem to care. He refuses to talk to me except to tell me everything is my fault — even when he cheats.

This question was posted in a forum on the web some time ago. I keep finding similar questions and although I recognize each of them immediately as signs of a developing abusive relationship, you may not. These are signals I spot and you can learn to recognize also.

1. This is a one-sided relationship. She tries to please him, he refuses to be pleased.

2. He verbally abuses her by telling her that she is to blame for each problem.

3. She accepts his definition of her inadequacy and tries to do better.

4. He cheats and accepts no responsibility for his own behavior. In fact he delegates the responsibility to her. This is also abusive.

5. Despite everything, she still loves him and wants to stay with him.

They have both been in agreement that everything that is wrong with the relationship is due to her inadequacy. She might not have accepted the blame at first but over time and considerable repetition she feels increasingly helpless about standing up for herself.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has also convinced her to not have contact with her friends and family. He has probably said that they contribute to the problems in the relationship. Because nobody is left to contradict him, he becomes more and more powerful to her.

At this point, he may even start using physical abuse to reinforce his powerful position with her. He blames her for causing him to lose control. If she threatens to leave he will apologize profusely and promise never to do it again if only she will forgive him and stay with him. He will keep his word for a brief period of time and then the cycle will repeat itself.

This plaintive question on the forum may be the first sign that she recognizes something is truly wrong and is asking for help. Instead of offering advice about improving the relationship, she needs advice about taking care of herself either within the relationship or gathering the resources needed to leave the relationship.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, it's impossible for you to imagine how difficult it will be to support someone in leaving one. The best thing you can do is encourage your friend to seek professional help.

If you are in a relationship like this – if you've written letters like this or wanted to – you probably need help to understand your situation better and figure out what to do. A good first step is to put the words "resources abused women" into a search engine (Google, Yahoo, MSN, etc.) and call a hot line. The first doesn't work call another until someone can help you find what you need.

Communicate skillfully about sensitive subjects. Http://www.DareToSayIt.com/blog
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is a Master Certified Coach and communication expert. Dr. Weiss has spent 35 years helping clients resolve conflict in business and personal relationships.