When you feel attacked by your partner’s tone of voice or angry expression, it’s much easier to think about what s/he is doing wrong instead of what’s being said. Make the effort to listen and respond to your partner’s words. You can discuss your feelings about the delivery system later.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Discuss a recent situation in which either you or your partner was unhappy about the outcome. Practice acknowledging to each other what you did that made the situation worse. It can be as simple as saying, “Yes, I raised my voice.”
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Well, I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be that way. I am sad because so many relationships end in disaster because they just don’t know how to get out of the circular argument trap.

If you want to save your relationship (and I KNOW you do!) here are three stunningly simple ways to sidestep this challenge. Your conversations really can end with the feeling of completion instead of with an argument.

You may not end up in agreement but at least you will understand each other’s positions.

First you need to decide why you are having a conversation in the first place. It can be as simple as wanting to know what time your partner is going to meet you have to work. You really MUST start with the end in mind.

Second, no matter what your partner says about some other topic, you need to respond to his or her new topic AND then remember why you’re having the conversation.

Your partner may say he will have a busy afternoon because of the big project. First say “Yes, I know you’ll be busy.” Then instead of talking about why he’s busy, REMEMBER that you want to set a meeting time. If you forget this step you have already accepted his invitation to get back into the circle trap.

Third you must remind your partner about the original reason for your conversation. After sympathizing with your partner about how busy he’ll be, REMIND him that all you want to know is what time he can meet you.

Wash, rinse and repeat as necessary.

Some of the couples I’ve worked with find that they’re so addicted to this pattern that it’s necessary to come back to the original question several times before it is actually answered.

It sounds simple, and it is. But it may not be easy. If you are in the habit of just responding to the last thing that was said, you stay trapped in the confusion until you adopt this simple technique. Remember it the more you practice the easier it will be.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Retaliation can lead to financial disaster. Upsets about how money is spent often mean that you do not have clear goals and guidelines about your financial life. Focus your conversation on establishing these goals and guidelines.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about how your spending patterns either support or undermine your goals. Decide if any changes are necessary.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

They may believe the myths that kill relationships and try to hold themselves accountable.  "Don't argue" is one of the myths.  It assumes you agree with each other, but it really means that one or both of you is giving up what you want in order to try to please the other.  Since you don't really know what the other wants, you may or may not be successful at pleasing your partner.

Your resentment builds under the surface.  You barely know it – you're so focused on your partner's needs instead of your own.  You attribute your headaches or indigestion to stress. You smoke or use alcohol or drugs to manage the stress, and one day you decide it's all your partner's fault, that you've fallen out of love and need a new partner.  Then, you tell your partner, who still loves you and begs you to go to counseling together.

And it's all because you believe the "Don't argue" myth.  Of course, if argue means shouting at each other, calling each other names or throwing things, I can see your point.

But if arguing means having a verbal disagreement where each of you says what you want and explains your point to the other, then you're missing out. This kind of arguing only works if you are each willing to listen to the other without interrupting or justifying your own position.

In my office, most of my work with couples is about teaching them to express themselves and listen to their partners.  Once they do this, they're ready to repair the respectful basis of the relationship and build a new one based on mutual respect and caring instead of mythology.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

 
It’s easier to start this behavior when you need to address a minor problem. If your partner clutters your mutual space and you are tired of the mess, tell your partner you will take the clutter and put it in a box in the basement. Then do it. When your partner asks, “Where is my___?” just say exactly what you did with it.

 
Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

 
Have a conversation about something each one of you has agreed to do or change, but not followed through in your agreement. Decide together on a creative consequence that will occur next time your partner notices the offending behavior.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Support your partner by listening to him/her express feelings of sadness about a loss. You probably can’t fix the loss or solve the problem, but just being close will help the healing process.

You may feel uncomfortable just listening to a problem without trying to help your partner to fix it. You may even want to tell your partner to get over it instead of moping around and feeling bad. Neither of these approaches is nearly as helpful as just listening attentively.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Talk about how you have helped each other manage losses in the past. Discuss how each of you felt in those situations and whether or not you need to try something new next time.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Have this important conversation before, not after, a gift-giving occasion. The truth is we all make mistakes. It can be very painful to find that a gift you have carefully selected for your partner is not being used or has been passed on to someone else.

In the long run, it’s easier to say gently, “I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I won’t be able to use this because the style (color, size) doesn’t really work for me. May I exchange it for something that does work?”

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Tell your partner what you do now when a gift doesn’t work. Talk about how you would feel if your partner said the words I suggested to you.

Decide what you will do in the future when a gift doesn’t work.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Rosanne has given me permission to share this correspondence with you.

Thursday, 7th Hi Laurie, How does a relationship rebuild trust? My former fiancé and I had been together four and a half years when I sensed something was wrong, different, not right.

So I questioned, who he was talking to, he lied to my face denying everything. Saying that I was being crazy.

Well My fiancé (at the time) had been going behind my back and talking, texting, and emailing (from his work account) his cousin's ex-wife for over a month. During this time he proceeded to take her on a lunch date (during work hours), to the first place we had a date, and using cash from our joint checking account.

I did not learn about the lunch date from him. She called me the day I found out telling me how 'its not a big deal' etc etc.

Well needless to say I ended the engagement, moved into an apartment and tried not speaking with him.

Can this be repaired? I do not have any trust in him. He says that it was not physical, but he was emotionally cheating on me.

Thank you so much, in advance!

Rosanne ************Sunday, 10th

Dear Roseanne, You're absolutely right, he was cheating on you emotionally. The only way this would not have been cheating would have been if he had told you about the contact while it was happening.

From what you say he has no awareness at all of your point of view. If he did it might be possible to repair the relationship. But he obviously doesn't!

This is never going to get better. Don't try to rebuild this relationship. Continue your moves to get on with your life without him.

Laurie ************

Monday, 11th

Laurie, Just a day ago I was in communication with my ex-fiancé. (Prior to reading your email response) He stated he wants to make things work with me and will work to do that. He also let me know that he knows he hurt me but that he wants to be with me.

But he cannot answer why he was going behind my back with her. All he could say was that he felt he couldn't talk to me.

This complicates things, now would you say this is a means to start mending the relationship? If so, how? Where could we begin?

Thank you again for all of your help!

Rosanne *************

Monday, 11th

Rosanne, That certainly sounds like he is taking more responsibility.

If you want any assurance that it won't happen again, he needs to know why he acted the way he did and let you know, too. Otherwise, the next time similar circumstances or feelings come up in him, he is extremely likely to repeat the behavior. In addition, he would need a plan about what he would do differently when temptation arises again.

Counseling with a good couples counselor could help. No matter what happens, it will take a long time to re-establish trust.

The question I would ask first is, what did he imagine would happen if he talked to you? You need to decide if it's worth it to you.

Good Luck. Laurie *************

Monday, 11th Laurie, Thank you so much for your help with this matter. I do value your feedback. Thank you,

Rosanne

Describe your own feelings about the situation. “I feel scared when the car moves this fast,” instead of, “You’re driving too fast.”

It’s natural to try to control a situation to protect either or both of you from danger. Unfortunately, trying to control (you’re driving) invites anger and resistance. Showing your vulnerability (I feel scared) often encourages your partner to take care of you by changing his/her behavior.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Remember a time when each of you felt angry about your partner telling you what to do. Think of something s/he could have done differently in that situation. Share your insights with each other.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Negativity as he describes it includes any expression of anger toward your significant other. He believes that most anger comes from a deep and unrealistic sense of entitlement. It reflects the belief that your partner should make you the center of his or her universe and meet all of your needs before you even express them.

This is taking to extremes my own belief that problems with your intimate partner can only be resolved by taking into account three important things. You must include your own needs and feelings, your partner’s needs and feelings, and relevant aspects of the situation.

My husband and I have a long history of trying out new ideas in our own relationship. However, we disagree with Hendrix’s view that anger is entirely based on the belief that the world should revolve around you and it doesn’t. We generally include three other types of anger:

1. Current anger, which is about something that just happened.

2. Archaic anger, which is about something that happened long ago. This can include anger at the world does not revolve around you, but also includes anger about abusive and inappropriate treatment that happened to you.

3. Racket anger, which looks and feels like an attempt to manipulate others. It’s usually about imagined rather than real situations. We have long recognized that expressions of archaic and racket anger only damage relationships — including our own. But we have allowed the expression of current anger in our own relationship as a prelude to problem solving.

Nevertheless we decided to experiment with Hendrix’s ideas and allow no negativity at all to be expressed in our relationship. This doesn’t mean that we don’t experience angry feelings — we do! Humans are wired from birth to experience frustration as increased energy and we identify that experience as "anger." We’re human and we experience that frustration with each other.

The difference lies in how we choose to express it. This has turned out to mean looking more deeply into why we may be annoyed with each other. It’s usually not about what we think it’s about at first.

Here’s one example: I may feel angry "because" he’s watching sports on TV again. When I look more deeply it’s because I’m feeling unappreciated. If I complain about the TV I may get myself some negative attention, but it won’t solve the real problem.

When I take the time to think it through, I can realize what I actually want or need and ask for it in an appropriate way. Another subtler example involves creating a negative atmosphere by complaining about something outside the relationship that you’re frustrated about but can’t control.

Jonathan used to routinely express anger at other drivers while I was sitting in the passenger seat in the car. Now this rarely happens, but if it does I say "this feels like negativity" and he honors our agreement and apologizes.

We have agreed that it’s fine to report feeling frustrated — just not to express it indirectly. It’s not perfect. We’ve been married for over 49 years and have an excellent relationship, mostly because, since our first major crisis, we’ve never stopped paying attention to what works and what doesn’t.

This is a refinement. It’s a subtle change but it’s making a very positive difference in how we feel when we are with each other.

Try having a talk with your partner about what negativity means to you and how you would like to change. Experiment for a week and then reevaluate. Decide if that’s the way you’d like to proceed with your own relationship.