Consider having both separate and joint accounts, and decide which expenses will be paid from which account. Most people feel happier and more empowered when they don’t need to account to anyone else about their personal spending.

There’s no single formula that fits for every couple. Some couples contribute to a single account to cover joint expenses while keeping most of their income separate. Other couples divide the responsibility for paying different expenses.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Discuss whether the system you are currently using is satisfactory for both of you. Even if it is, imagine using other options and see how you feel about them.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

Ask people you trust for referrals. You may wish to interview several different professionals in each field before you engage their services. This will also help you take your own financial situation more seriously.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about the professionals that you each think you need. Make list of people you already know that you might want to interview. Then decide whom you will ask for references. Commit to make those inquiries, and report your results to each other at a specific time.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Retaliation can lead to financial disaster. Upsets about how money is spent often mean that you do not have clear goals and guidelines about your financial life. Focus your conversation on establishing these goals and guidelines.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about how your spending patterns either support or undermine your goals. Decide if any changes are necessary.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Tune in at 10:00 a.m. ET on Monday, March 16. by clicking the Play button in the box below:

You will be taken directly to the online player for the interview.

If you would like to comment or ask questions during the interview, you can call in at (646) 727-3956.

[tags]Relationship Advice, Relationships, Difficult Communication, Money[/tags]

This money question, from Jenny, describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need —security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid, and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

One of the things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on its own system.

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

1. How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)
2. What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)
3. What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)
4. What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

Once you answer these questions, your solution may seem obvious. If it doesn’t, try brainstorming options.. Then label each option as to whether it comes form your Parent or Child or from your realistic Adult Ego State or program.

Many couples I work with have come up with different solutions to money issues. I can’t tell which would be best for you without knowing more about the problem. Having this conversation should get you started. The answer may become obvious once you learn about all the different impulses each of you has and sort them out together.

You can use this information about your own Parent, Adult and Child programs to understand what happens in your relationship, one sentence at a time. Just for example, what happens when the Parent of one of you talks to the Child of the other?
[tags]Communication, Difficult Communication, Money[/tags]
More about Laurie Weiss

Disclaimer: No, I’m not a financial adviser, but you need to read this before you get any numbers.

The first thing you need to do is to tell the truth about how you feel. You’re probably scared. We’re all scared about what this means. I’m certainly scared, and I’ve been through a number of recessions.

Partly I’m scared about giving up the fantasy of safety. I’m also sort of angry about giving up the fantasy that I’m entitled to live the kind of life I have been enjoying.

The truth is we’ve all been participating in an illusion, and when we face the fact that it just isn’t going to be the way it was or the way we wanted to be, we may feel sad and angry as well as scared.

For lots of us, feeling angry isn’t OK. People do various things when they feel angry. It’s best to use it for energy to solve problems, but the problems of a recession are hard to pin down. So you might block the anger out altogether and get depressed instead — or you might let it out in destructive ways.

You could do lots of different things with angry feelings and most of them aren’t good for your marriage.

You could actually get angry at yourself or your spouse for overspending or under-earning. It’s always easier to say, “If it weren’t for you I/we wouldn’t be in this fix.” It feels relieving for a short time — and it may even be true — but it won’t do anything for your marriage if you stay stuck there.

Of course, being angry at yourself won’t help your marriage either. It will just give you an excuse to go and hide and feel like a victim. You might decide to do more for others because you don’t deserve any thing yourself. And then you’ll feel even worse. That won’t make you very attractive or supportive for your spouse.

You could try getting angry at “them” — the Wall Street ripoff artists or the politicians who are bailing them out. Maybe you can even get your spouse to agree it’s their fault. Of course if you just blame them, that might give you an excuse to do nothing about your own financial situation. What will that do to your marriage? Help it? I don’t think so.

So what can you do?

Stop keeping secrets or trying to manage things by yourself. You can start by telling your spouse about how you feel. For example, “I’m so angry about this mess I want to blame somebody — anybody.” Or, “I’m so scared. I am afraid we’ll go through depression like my grandparents did and we’ll lose everything.”

You can ask your spouse, if he or she feels the same way. Often in couples one partner is much more sensitive than the other. Once I had a man say to his wife in a workshop. “I’d be glad to tell you how I feel, but sometimes it takes me a week or so to figure it out.” All the other men in the room nodded in agreement.

If you spouse feels calmer that you do, great. Let him (or her) help you get more centered. Your spouse may believe he or she should make your feelings disappear. That won’t work. Just ask to be heard. You can both share your sadness about lost or delayed dreams.

Your spouse can’t fix how you feel, but by sharing how you feel can begin to fix it yourself. Many feelings don’t need fixing at all, once they get shared.

You’ve heard about “feel the fear and do it anyway.” There may or may not be something you could do.

Now comes the recession-proofing your marriage part in this. After you finish talking about how you feel, it’s time to see if you are in any real danger. This part is really difficult for many of us to face.

Now is the time to look at whether you are overreaching yourself. A talk about money — a really truthful talk — is in order!

Do you know what’s going on in your financial life right now? Do you know how much you have? How much you owe? How much is coming in? How much you’re spending? Is one or both of you in danger of losing your job? Are you safe in your house or are you at risk of losing at? Is someone spending more than he or she should? Do you own extra vehicles? Do you need to repair something important?

Discovering and sharing this information is critical before taking any action at all about financial matters. The situation might be better that you imagined it to be or it might be worse. But you need to know the truth before you can start.

Now, together, you can begin to figure out what you need to do. In lots of relationships both people are in agreement that only one is competent about money — this is rarely the case.

It’s usually more that that one wants to control the situation and the other is willing to let him or her to do so. In rocky financial times two heads are better than one. Maybe even more than two heads are better — if you have teenage children. They can be included in some parts of this discussion. They need to know that you are taking steps to manage the situation. And you may be surprised at what they can contribute to this kind of discussion.

Then check to see how much any or all of you have been infected by the “entitlement germ”. I know I have. I feel like I should be able to have what I want to have. Why? I’m not sure, but I think it’s a lot about the general atmosphere we’ve been living in. “Get it now pay later. You really deserve it.” I haven’t really succumbed to that. I’ve actually been a pay as you go gal — we’ve been a pay-as-you-go family pretty much forever, but I’m infected anyway.

I’m not sure how I figured out that I’m entitled to be so privileged, but I did. My parents certainly didn’t think that way. My childhood life was about working for what you want and waiting until you had earned it.

You can recession-proof your marriage by having a conversation about waiting. I mean a real conversation, not one person trying to make the other behave differently or feel scared. I’m talking about having a realistic conversation about what you need now. And what you can wait for.

Take a look at the difference between what you need and what you want! It’s very easy to get that confused and for most families it’s pretty screwed up. Maybe it would help to think about what kind of damage would actually occur if you didn’t get something you think you’ve got to have right now.

I can’t tell you how to run your finances. That’s not my area of expertise. That’s up to you and your financial advisors. What I can tell you is that your marriage can come through this — come through it strong and vibrant — when you start communicating with each other about all the stress you’re both experiencing.

When you face things together and tell the truth, wonderful things start to happen. You free your energy to solve problems intelligently realistically and most importantly of all, together.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Togetherness, Relationships, Communication, Difficult Communication, Money, Relationship Advice[/tags]

Jim and Cathy were both well-paid professionals, and had a clear agreement to share expenses. Jim complained that she kept forgetting her wallet or running short of cash, manipulating him into paying for all of their entertainment expenses. He asked her to pay him back, but she never seemed to get around to it. He felt ashamed to make an issue of repayment, so he usually let if drop.

Cathy did pay her share of household bills, but Jim was so worried about her flakiness” that he frequently questioned her anxiously about whether she was up to date. At one point, after hearing her talk about wanting a new car, he carefully researched which new car would be best for her. He was appalled when she bought a more expensive, sportier model. He urged her to keep careful records of her personal expenditures and offered to help her review them. She refused — angrily — and they had frequent arguments about money.

When I asked what Jim did to contribute to the problem, Jim recognized that he was the one who started the arguments by frequently asking Cathy about what she did with her money. When I asked what he was tying to accomplish by questioning her, Jim realized that he wonted to be sure she could take care of herself financially and not become dependent on him. He also realized that the method he was using was not accomplishing his goal.

He also discovered his own internal conflict about whether or not a husband should be financially responsible for his wife. This kept him from really discussing the problem of Cathy breaking her financial agreement about entertainment. I suggested that his unexpressed resentment about the broken agreement might be connected to his judgment that she was irresponsible about money.

Jim still did not feel ready to confront Cathy directly about the broken agreement, but he decided to experiment with refraining from asking her about her handling of money. He also decided to tell Cathy in advance whether or not any particular entertainment activity would be his treat.

A month after he started his experiment, Jim noticed that the arguments rarely happened any more. The bills continued to get paid, and Cathy was occasionally volunteering to treat him to dinner and other activities. He decided to stay married.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Relationships, Money, Communication, Relationship Advice[/tags]

Jim & Cathy were both well-paid professionals, and had a clear agreement to share expenses. Jim believed that Cathy wasn’t really keeping the agreement. He gathered evidence to prove his point.

· Cathy kept forgetting her wallet or running short of cash, manipulating him into paying for all of their entertainment expenses.

· When he asked her to pay him back, but she never seemed to get around to it. He felt ashamed to make an issue of repayment, so he usually let it drop.

· Cathy did pay her share of household bills, but Jim was so worried about her “flakiness” that he frequently questioned her anxiously about whether she was up to date.

· At one point, after hearing her talk about wanting a new car, he carefully researched which new car would be best for her. He was appalled when she bought a more expensive, sportier model.

· He urged her to keep careful records of her personal expenditures and offered to help her review them. She refused angrily and they had frequent arguments about money.

When I asked Jim what he did to contribute to the problem, Jim recognized that he was the one who started the arguments by frequently asking Cathy about what she did with her money. It seemed as if Jim was collecting evidence to support his arguments instead of looking at what was really bothering him.

When I asked what he was trying to accomplish by questioning her, Jim first said he just wanted her to be responsible. When he dug a little deeper, he realized that he wanted to be sure she could take care of herself financially and not become dependent on him.

He also recognized that frequently questioning her was not accomplishing his goal. In fact, it was making the problem even worse.

Jim also discovered that he had mixed feelings about whether a husband should be financially responsible for his wife. This ambivalence kept him from discussing the only real problem — that Cathy was breaking her financial agreement to share entertainment costs.

I asked Jim if his unexpressed resentment about the broken agreement might be connected to his judgment that she was irresponsible about money. He already knew that the “evidence” didn’t really support his judgment. Cathy was responsible for everything EXCEPT sharing entertainment expenses. The connection made sense to him.

Jim still didn’t feel ready to confront Cathy directly about the broken agreement, but he decided to experiment with not asking her about how she managed her own money. He also decided to tell Cathy in advance whether or not any particular entertainment activity would be his treat.

A month after he started his experiment, Jim noticed that the arguments had almost completely disappeared. The bills continued to get paid, and Cathy was occasionally volunteering to treat him to dinner and other activities.

He decided to stay married.

Remember: Almost everything you do is done for a reason, but sometimes you have to look below the surface to discover the really important hidden reason for your behavior.

Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., Master Certified Coach, internationally known therapist, consultant and author, has been helping people create conscious, loving relationships for over 30 years.
Learn more and claim your free copy of 24 Tips for Having a Great Relationship. Email feedback@laurieweiss.com
[tags]Relationships, Communication, Difficult Communication, Money, Relationship Advice[/tags]