Rosanne has given me permission to share this correspondence with you.
Thursday, 7th Hi Laurie, How does a relationship rebuild trust? My former fiancé and I had been together four and a half years when I sensed something was wrong, different, not right.
So I questioned, who he was talking to, he lied to my face denying everything. Saying that I was being crazy.
Well My fiancé (at the time) had been going behind my back and talking, texting, and emailing (from his work account) his cousin's ex-wife for over a month. During this time he proceeded to take her on a lunch date (during work hours), to the first place we had a date, and using cash from our joint checking account.
I did not learn about the lunch date from him. She called me the day I found out telling me how 'its not a big deal' etc etc.
Well needless to say I ended the engagement, moved into an apartment and tried not speaking with him.
Can this be repaired? I do not have any trust in him. He says that it was not physical, but he was emotionally cheating on me.
Thank you so much, in advance!
Rosanne ************ Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
\\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care
Now that you’ve decided to divorce, you probably think that seeing couples’ counselors is complete waste of money. Well I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Seeing a counselor now while you’re in the midst of this turmoil will actually save you money in the long run.
The simple truth is that getting a divorce is not just a legal matter. No matter how clear you think you are, at some point during the process your emotions are likely to overwhelm your ability to think clearly and take care of yourself.
Instead of letting your lawyer do his or her job of managing the details you’re going to say something like, “After all she/he has put me through, I deserve _______.” Even if you fully intend to be fair, your soon to be ex spouse will make what you think is a completely unreasonable demand and you’ll come unglued.
You’ll be overwhelmed with fury or grief and think it’s about what’s happening now. But it will really be about what’s going on now and so much more.
Your lawyer dreads this part because either you become unreasonable and demand impossible things, or you become totally compliant and will agree to anything just to get away from the mess. Your lawyer knows this isn’t good for you and tries to convince you to settle down so that you can be properly represented.
Your attorney isn’t trained to help you manage your emotional outbursts and tries to logically explain what is and isn’t possible during a divorce. Or your lawyer will try to comply with your wishes and ask for something that inflames the other side. In either case you’ll be running up unnecessary attorney’s fees in an attempt to solve emotional issues.
Counseling rates are a lot less than legal fees. A good counselor knows how to help you communicate and understand the emotions you’re both feeling about ending what was once a dream of having a life together.
Seeing a couples’ counselor throughout the divorce process lets you use the rational parts of yourself to communicate about those emotions and understand where the unreasonable pressure is coming from. Often understanding your pain and knowing you’ve been understood is what it takes to become reasonable again. You can agree on what you want your lawyers to accomplish and let them do their jobs quickly and effectively.
Not only will it save you money in the long run, it will make it easier for you to accomplish and necessary communications after the divorce is complete.
More about Laurie Weiss
written by admin
\\ tags: Communication, Difficult Communication, Divorce, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care
Are you a woman who has moments when you sometimes want to murder your loving husband because he agrees to do everything you ask him to do and then somehow never seems to get it done?
It’s even more frustrating when you gather your courage to talk to him once more, and he promises he’ll finish the taxes, or fix the leaky faucet, or paint the bathroom, or organize the sports equipment in the garage.
And then he has a really good reason why he can’t do it when he promised – or he just forgets – or he gets it almost done but leaves one critical piece [like calling when he'll be late].
Well, get ready to celebrate because I’m about to reveal the almost magical secret that will not only get those jobs completed but get you out of the nag role. And, relax, it doesn’t involve doing the job yourself.
By the way, this secret works with kids, committee members and service people as well as husbands.
Best of all, you can use it any time during the process of “promise to do something, forget, remind, forget, remind, make excuses, remind, etc.!”
It may seem kind of silly or unnecessary, but believe me, when you do it, it nearly always works. It does involve some record keeping and being willing to take a firm stand and not cave in.
It could be called a power play on your part, but that’s okay – it will be completely on the up and up because you’ll tell him in advance exactly what you’re going to do.
Next time you’re ready to remind him about the undone task, use this process.
- Ask him for a firm agreement – day and time – when the job will be done.
- Figure out who else could do the job – a handyman? A tax preparation service? The teenager next door? A plumbing service? – And how much it will cost. Resolve to take the money from a source your husband will notice but won’t be too tough on anyone – like your grocery budget – it’s okay to serve beans for a week or forgo your regular night out to pay to get the task done.
- Tell him what you plan to do if he doesn’t keep his agreement.
- When the deadline approaches, remind him of your plan.
- If he misses the deadline, bite the bullet and carry out your plan. Usually, you’ll only need to do this once to convince your husband that you expect him to keep his promises.
Of course, it could lead to a discussion of making more realistic agreements or creating a priority list of which things are really important or even a plan about what to keep and what to outsource.
So gather up your courage. I really want you to get this: Nagging and being frustrated is not the solution to getting him to keep his promises. Simply follow the steps I’ve given you, and you’ll be on your way to creating a new way to solve problems together.
More about Laurie Weiss
written by admin
\\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care
After 25 years of trying to please him, one of my clients is divorcing a selfish, narcissistic man she has known all her life. She knew he had an abusive streak when she married him.
He had raped her three years before the wedding — when she was a college student. It was a date rape – she protested but decided it was her fault because she got physically close to him to comfort him. Since she had vowed to be a virgin when she married, she decided the only option she had been to stick with him. After the rape, she continued to have sex when he demanded it, even though she protested and begged him to ease up.
Not surprisingly, the divorce is a mess. His frequent irrational verbal and email attacks leave her in tears.
She continues to choose men who refused to count her needs. She won’t even count her own needs herself. Whenever someone protests that their needs are more important than hers — a teenage child, a lover, and even her first incompetent lawyer — she resists at first and then gives in.
Update:
Idealistically, as a young teenager, she decided it was her role to serve others. In our work together she has reconsidered that decision. Her new decision is that she is neither more nor less important as important as other people.
That re-decision has made all the difference.
In the months since she has revised her earlier decision a new attorney has helped her complete the divorce proceedings. She usually remembers to count her own needs before she promises to extend herself for other people. And she has started a new relationship with a kind and generous man who treats her well.
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
written by admin
\\ tags: Boundaries, CoDependency, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care
Hi Laurie,
Thanks for the advise that you’ve been giving me lately, I really appreciate it because a lot of your advise has really given me so much to think about how I should go about coping with problems and also what to expect in future.
At the moment I am facing some problems like, my husband spends more time with his friends and less time with the children and I. Sometimes I feel afraid to ask him why he continuously does it because he might get upset and hit me. We can’t even talk like married couple anymore, every time I mention about ways on how we should better our lives, he always has something negative to say to discourage me. It’s his behavior that makes me think negative and I end up arguing with him. Please give me some advise on how I should cope and handle this situation.
I await for your quick response.
Cheers,
J Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
Laurie
Thanks for the emails and updates. I wondered if you are aware of any support groups to work on my issues of codependency? Do people still just go to Alanon? (I recently divorced and my ex was addicted to “chat rooms”, and spending. He is a narcissist and I enabled him financially, but only came to this knowledge in counseling about one year ago. I am so ready to try to move toward healing..
Thanks for any suggestions..
V.
- – - – -
Hi, V,
Congratulations on getting on with your life. Here are some resources.
Co-dependents Anon, http://www.codependents.org/ still exists and has a meeting finder on their website. Alanon is still useful. Jonathan and I both still work with people about these issues individually either in person or by phone or Skype.
If you want to look at the Inner Child issues that made you vulnerable in the first place there are still some issues of An Action Plan for Your Inner Child: Parenting Each Other on our website, http://www.EmpowermentSystems.com/publications . Our book, Recovery from CoDependency: It’s Never Too Late to Reclaim Your Childhood is available on Amazon.
Laurie
Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Self Care, CoDependency, Relationship Advice
written by Laurie Weiss
Consider whether or not you will do something your partner wants you to do. Sometimes, doing something you do not especially want to do for your partner costs you very little in time or inconvenience and is very important to your partner. Sometimes, it is very expensive emotionally.
If you decide not to do something your partner wants you to do, explain the reasons why you are refusing your partner’s request. If you choose to comply with your partner’s request, tell your partner the truth, “I don’t especially want to do this, but I’ll be happy to do it because it’s important to you.”
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
When your partner asks you to do something that you ordinarily don’t do, take a few extra minutes to think about whether or not it is something that you really want to do. Tell your partner, “I need to think about this for a moment.” Then tell your partner what you’ve decided and why.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Self Care, Communication, Boundaries, Relationship Advice
written by Laurie Weiss
Request that your partner celebrate special events in your life in the way that is most meaningful to you. Emphasize exactly what you want and how you want it, or your partner may not understand your needs.
If you want to be treated as if you are king or queen for a day on your birthday, and your partner does not think that birthdays are very important, you’ll have to explain that you want breakfast in bed and a choice of activities designed to delight you. If you would rather open your presents on Christmas Eve than on Christmas morning you need to make that clear also.
You don’t need to do something just because your partner wants you to, but when you get this kind of information, you do need to negotiate about what each of you is willing to do to please the other.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Imagine what a perfect “special day” would be like for you. Tell your partner, in detail, exactly what you have imagined. Make agreements about what you will do for each other when those special days occur. Take notes and put them where you will find them to help you remember your agreements.
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: Relationships, Special Occasions, Communication, Relationship Advice
written by Laurie Weiss
Make sure you ask for the acknowledgment you want from your partner. If your partner does not notice your new haircut or the amount of work you did to arrange an event, say something instead of waiting for your strokes.
Spontaneous recognition is wonderful. Some people do it well, but it simply may not occur to your partner that you need or want any acknowledgment at all. Your partner may be quite happy to give you the attention you want, once s/he understands that you want it. The recognition you get only after you ask for it still feels good.
Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:
Think of three things you wish your partner had acknowledged you for, and invite your partner to do the same thing. Take turns choosing one item from your list and telling you partner about it. Then say, “I wanted you to notice it and …hug me…cheer for me…tell me you are proud of me…bring me flowers…etc. Will you do that for me NOW?”
This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Technorati Tags: CoDependency, Relationship Advice, Communication, Self Care, Relationships
written by Laurie Weiss
To forgive this to quit hoping you can change the past. To forgive is to risk being hurt again. To forgive is a challenge that must be met. So how do you really do it? Continue reading »
written by Laurie Weiss
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