Well, I want you to know, it doesn’t have to be that way. I am sad because so many relationships end in disaster because they just don’t know how to get out of the circular argument trap.

If you want to save your relationship (and I KNOW you do!) here are three stunningly simple ways to sidestep this challenge. Your conversations really can end with the feeling of completion instead of with an argument.

You may not end up in agreement but at least you will understand each other’s positions.

First you need to decide why you are having a conversation in the first place. It can be as simple as wanting to know what time your partner is going to meet you have to work. You really MUST start with the end in mind.

Second, no matter what your partner says about some other topic, you need to respond to his or her new topic AND then remember why you’re having the conversation.

Your partner may say he will have a busy afternoon because of the big project. First say “Yes, I know you’ll be busy.” Then instead of talking about why he’s busy, REMEMBER that you want to set a meeting time. If you forget this step you have already accepted his invitation to get back into the circle trap.

Third you must remind your partner about the original reason for your conversation. After sympathizing with your partner about how busy he’ll be, REMIND him that all you want to know is what time he can meet you.

Wash, rinse and repeat as necessary.

Some of the couples I’ve worked with find that they’re so addicted to this pattern that it’s necessary to come back to the original question several times before it is actually answered.

It sounds simple, and it is. But it may not be easy. If you are in the habit of just responding to the last thing that was said, you stay trapped in the confusion until you adopt this simple technique. Remember it the more you practice the easier it will be.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Some people need more privacy than others. It all depends on your personality type and your family background. You may need to have a conversation, and be very explicit about what things are off limits. If your partner understands why those things are private, s/he will be more likely to honor your boundaries.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about what you each needed to do to protect your own possessions from others when you were a child.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

This isn't much of a problem when we’re at home. We share a great deal of responsibility for food preparation. I am the chef and he is the sous chef. However, when I tell him to take care of himself, he does.

It's a bigger problem when we're traveling and we travel often. When he is hungry he assumes that I am hungry too. He approaches me as if I am already thinking about what he is thinking about. And I respond angrily. It's an instant response and I keep thinking that by now he should expect it.

I usually want breakfast about an hour after I wake up. He wakes up ravenously hungry and wants to eat right away. I like to read, write, or just fiddle around when I first wake up. I try to solve the problem by getting up much earlier than he does.

Often though, I'm deeply involved in something when he wakes up and says something like, "What are you thinking about breakfast?" Dammit, I am NOT thinking about breakfast at all! I'm thinking about something else and you're interrupting me! I often succeed in not saying that aloud — but not always.

When this happens, neither one of us is thinking about anything except how we feel and what we want for ourselves. We're usually feeling a little vulnerable, in an unfamiliar situation and trying to make ourselves comfortable. We're not thinking about the other or the external situation much at all.

Solving problems generally involves an awareness of your own feelings, the other person's feelings, and the external situation. In this case we were creating problems instead of solving them.

It would be easy to turn this into a bigger fight. We could each easily justify our positions and claim to be misunderstood. However, after many years of marriage, we've come to the conclusion that lots of things are not worth the effort to fight about. We usually recognize the pattern as soon as we see it, shrug and move on.

Much as we would like to be perfect, we're not and we’re not ever likely to be. Most of the time we consider each other’s feelings and most of the time things go pretty smoothly. We can relax and let good enough be good enough.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

country and state would be great

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

The accompanying picture is of me, Laurie Weiss. I was identified as Executive Director of the Rocky Mountain Transactional Analysis Institute and a Teaching Member of the International Transactional Analysis Association.
 

"Is there any way to get acquainted with a man without having sex first? Most guys want to have sex after the first or second date, or the third date for sure, or they tend to terminate the relationship."

Yes, there are many ways to get acquainted with the man without sleeping with him first. It is true, however, that our current subculture strongly supports men wanting to have sex with women a very short time after meeting them.

The reasons for this are very complex. I believe one important factor is that we are systematically taught to accept the idea that grown-ups do not and should not need to be physically touched. We accept the scientifically demonstrated fact that babies need physical stroking in order to survive. We usually respond to small children's request for cuddling, but somehow, as children reach sexual maturity, we stop touching them. (As parents stopped touching us when we were adolescents.) As grown-ups many of us are uncomfortable and uncertain when we experience the need for strokes we've been taught to ignore. We don't even know what we need.

We certainly don't know where to get it, and so we search for something, anything, which will relieve our discomfort. If by chance, we encounter physical touching, we feel better. However, our lives are so arranged that encountering meaningful physical touching is rare.

Most of the ways grown-ups are touched by other grown-ups (without being damaged a fight) can be observed by watching TV for an evening. Men are allowed to touch other men during and immediately after athletic encounters. Men and women are allowed to touch each other briefly in some greeting rituals. Women are allowed to touch other women in highly charged emotional situations. Men and women may be touched by medical practitioners. Men and women are allowed to have sexual relations with each other (as long as it's done off the TV screen).

As we grow and are being deprived of other physical strokes, we learn that sex is a culturally acceptable way of being close to others. Since sexual encounters provide many physical strokes, these encounters relieve the discomfort we experience when we do not get an adequate supply of physical contact with others.

We learned to equate sexual needs with stroking needs and then get into the complicated circular situation you described in your question. Sex manuals in the 50's were cautioning men that women need lots of physical strokes before they would be ready for lovemaking. Men, on the other hand, were expected to be ready instantly. Even during sexual encounters men didn't have the opportunity to get many physical strokes for themselves and although sexual needs were satisfied the stroking needs were only partially satisfied.

Women were likely to have a large part of their stroking needs met during the day when men were trying to arouse them to want sex. Therefore, men were in the position of urging women to sleep with them in order to even partially satisfy a need for strokes they were not even aware of having.

Many of the rules about sex have changed since the 50's. However, the basic problem of grown-ups having limited opportunities for meaningful physical strokes remains. Recent newspaper articles reported that men are acknowledging needs for nonsexual touching. As those needs become acceptable the general problem you describe may gradually disappear.

Meanwhile you might experiment with sharing physical touching with men you meet and delaying sleeping together until you feel comfortable about doing it.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

Rosanne has given me permission to share this correspondence with you.

Thursday, 7th Hi Laurie, How does a relationship rebuild trust? My former fiancé and I had been together four and a half years when I sensed something was wrong, different, not right.

So I questioned, who he was talking to, he lied to my face denying everything. Saying that I was being crazy.

Well My fiancé (at the time) had been going behind my back and talking, texting, and emailing (from his work account) his cousin's ex-wife for over a month. During this time he proceeded to take her on a lunch date (during work hours), to the first place we had a date, and using cash from our joint checking account.

I did not learn about the lunch date from him. She called me the day I found out telling me how 'its not a big deal' etc etc.

Well needless to say I ended the engagement, moved into an apartment and tried not speaking with him.

Can this be repaired? I do not have any trust in him. He says that it was not physical, but he was emotionally cheating on me.

Thank you so much, in advance!

Rosanne ************Sunday, 10th

Dear Roseanne, You're absolutely right, he was cheating on you emotionally. The only way this would not have been cheating would have been if he had told you about the contact while it was happening.

From what you say he has no awareness at all of your point of view. If he did it might be possible to repair the relationship. But he obviously doesn't!

This is never going to get better. Don't try to rebuild this relationship. Continue your moves to get on with your life without him.

Laurie ************

Monday, 11th

Laurie, Just a day ago I was in communication with my ex-fiancé. (Prior to reading your email response) He stated he wants to make things work with me and will work to do that. He also let me know that he knows he hurt me but that he wants to be with me.

But he cannot answer why he was going behind my back with her. All he could say was that he felt he couldn't talk to me.

This complicates things, now would you say this is a means to start mending the relationship? If so, how? Where could we begin?

Thank you again for all of your help!

Rosanne *************

Monday, 11th

Rosanne, That certainly sounds like he is taking more responsibility.

If you want any assurance that it won't happen again, he needs to know why he acted the way he did and let you know, too. Otherwise, the next time similar circumstances or feelings come up in him, he is extremely likely to repeat the behavior. In addition, he would need a plan about what he would do differently when temptation arises again.

Counseling with a good couples counselor could help. No matter what happens, it will take a long time to re-establish trust.

The question I would ask first is, what did he imagine would happen if he talked to you? You need to decide if it's worth it to you.

Good Luck. Laurie *************

Monday, 11th Laurie, Thank you so much for your help with this matter. I do value your feedback. Thank you,

Rosanne

The simple truth is that getting a divorce is not just a legal matter. No matter how clear you think you are, at some point during the process your emotions are likely to overwhelm your ability to think clearly and take care of yourself.

Instead of letting your lawyer do his or her job of managing the details you’re going to say something like, “After all she/he has put me through, I deserve _______.” Even if you fully intend to be fair, your soon to be ex spouse will make what you think is a completely unreasonable demand and you’ll come unglued.

You’ll be overwhelmed with fury or grief and think it’s about what’s happening now. But it will really be about what’s going on now and so much more.

Your lawyer dreads this part because either you become unreasonable and demand impossible things, or you become totally compliant and will agree to anything just to get away from the mess. Your lawyer knows this isn’t good for you and tries to convince you to settle down so that you can be properly represented.

Your attorney isn’t trained to help you manage your emotional outbursts and tries to logically explain what is and isn’t possible during a divorce. Or your lawyer will try to comply with your wishes and ask for something that inflames the other side. In either case you’ll be running up unnecessary attorney’s fees in an attempt to solve emotional issues.

Counseling rates are a lot less than legal fees. A good counselor knows how to help you communicate and understand the emotions you’re both feeling about ending what was once a dream of having a life together.

Seeing a couples’ counselor throughout the divorce process lets you use the rational parts of yourself to communicate about those emotions and understand where the unreasonable pressure is coming from. Often understanding your pain and knowing you’ve been understood is what it takes to become reasonable again. You can agree on what you want your lawyers to accomplish and let them do their jobs quickly and effectively.

Not only will it save you money in the long run, it will make it easier for you to accomplish and necessary communications after the divorce is complete.

More about Laurie Weiss

It’s even more frustrating when you gather your courage to talk to him once more, and he promises he’ll finish the taxes, or fix the leaky faucet, or paint the bathroom, or organize the sports equipment in the garage.

And then he has a really good reason why he can’t do it when he promised – or he just forgets – or he gets it almost done but leaves one critical piece [like calling when he'll be late].

Well, get ready to celebrate because I’m about to reveal the almost magical secret that will not only get those jobs completed but get you out of the nag role. And, relax, it doesn’t involve doing the job yourself.

By the way, this secret works with kids, committee members and service people as well as husbands.

Best of all, you can use it any time during the process of “promise to do something, forget, remind, forget, remind, make excuses, remind, etc.!”

It may seem kind of silly or unnecessary, but believe me, when you do it, it nearly always works. It does involve some record keeping and being willing to take a firm stand and not cave in.

It could be called a power play on your part, but that’s okay – it will be completely on the up and up because you’ll tell him in advance exactly what you’re going to do.

Next time you’re ready to remind him about the undone task, use this process.

1. Ask him for a firm agreement – day and time – when the job will be done.
2. Figure out who else could do the job – a handyman? A tax preparation service? The teenager next door? A plumbing service? – And how much it will cost. Resolve to take the money from a source your husband will notice but won’t be too tough on anyone – like your grocery budget – it’s okay to serve beans for a week or forgo your regular night out to pay to get the task done.
3. Tell him what you plan to do if he doesn’t keep his agreement.
4. When the deadline approaches, remind him of your plan.
5. If he misses the deadline, bite the bullet and carry out your plan. Usually, you’ll only need to do this once to convince your husband that you expect him to keep his promises.

Of course, it could lead to a discussion of making more realistic agreements or creating a priority list of which things are really important or even a plan about what to keep and what to outsource.

So gather up your courage. I really want you to get this: Nagging and being frustrated is not the solution to getting him to keep his promises. Simply follow the steps I’ve given you, and you’ll be on your way to creating a new way to solve problems together.

More about Laurie Weiss

He had raped her three years before the wedding — when she was a college student. It was a date rape – she protested but decided it was her fault because she got physically close to him to comfort him. Since she had vowed to be a virgin when she married, she decided the only option she had been to stick with him. After the rape, she continued to have sex when he demanded it, even though she protested and begged him to ease up.

Not surprisingly, the divorce is a mess. His frequent irrational verbal and email attacks leave her in tears.

She continues to choose men who refused to count her needs. She won’t even count her own needs herself. Whenever someone protests that their needs are more important than hers — a teenage child, a lover, and even her first incompetent lawyer — she resists at first and then gives in.

Update:

Idealistically, as a young teenager, she decided it was her role to serve others. In our work together she has reconsidered that decision. Her new decision is that she is neither more nor less important as important as other people.

That re-decision has made all the difference.

In the months since she has revised her earlier decision a new attorney has helped her complete the divorce proceedings. She usually remembers to count her own needs before she promises to extend herself for other people. And she has started a new relationship with a kind and generous man who treats her well.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

Thanks for the advise that you’ve been giving me lately, I really appreciate it because a lot of your advise has really given me so much to think about how I should go about coping with problems and also what to expect in future.

At the moment I am facing some problems like, my husband spends more time with his friends and less time with the children and I. Sometimes I feel afraid to ask him why he continuously does it because he might get upset and hit me. We can’t even talk like married couple anymore, every time I mention about ways on how we should better our lives, he always has something negative to say to discourage me. It’s his behavior that makes me think negative and I end up arguing with him. Please give me some advise on how I should cope and handle this situation.

I await for your quick response.

Cheers,
J
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Josephine,

When a man changes his behavior and spends more time with his friends then with his family, it’s usually because there is something in the family situation that he finds stressful. That may be because it seems to him that he only hears about negative things.

He probably doesn’t know what to do about what’s going on in the family and may not even be aware of his own discomfort. His solution is to get away as often as he can.

Here in the US many couples get into negative stroking patterns.

I use the word stroke to mean a unit of recognition. A stroke is an action or word that let’s you know that I know you exist. A positive stroke means I am pleased that you exist or that I am pleased with what you’ve done. And negative stroke means that I don’t like you or I don’t like what you have done .

These couples talk to each other only when things go wrong and don’t say anything when things are going well. This often turns into an argument and during an argument additional negative strokes get exchanged.

The partners feel worse and worse and began to feel angry and each other most of the time. I suspect that that this is what is happening in your marriage.

New Guinea is very distant from the US geographically, and I know nothing about how different we are culturally. If I say something that does not make sense in your culture please don’t try to follow that piece of my advice.

I am very concerned that you are afraid of being hit if you try to talk about your unhappiness. You don’t say whether you’ve ever experienced being hit. I hope you haven’t and I hope it never happens.

I don’t want you to do anything to jeopardize your own safety.

Since you’re concerned about his response when you talk about problems, try this suggestion as an experiment. Instead of talking about problems, talk ONLY about good things.

For an entire week try talking to your husband using only positive strokes. If he does something you like, tell him about it. If he does something you don’t like, say nothing at all.

I know this advice is very simple. I also know that it is not easy to carry out. When you are concerned or angry, it tends to show in your facial expression and the tone of your voice. It helps if you remember good things and look for good things to notice during this week.

People tend to repeat behavior that gets noticed. If you notice only good behavior (behavior you like) then that’s the behavior that gets repeated.

After a week has passed decide whether you want to continue with the experiment. Many couples I have worked with in the past have decided to make stroking each other positively an important part of their relationship.

Warmly, Laurie

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”
[tags]Communication, Difficult Communication, Relationship Advice, Self Care, Relationships[/tags]