This question comes from a woman who's been married for 12 years and wants to keep a man whom she calls a good-looking womanizer. She's upset because she found unmistakable evidence of his sexual relationship with another woman in their apartment while she and their 11-year-old daughter were away on a five week visit to her parents. She says she loves him. I say it's a fatal attraction. Let me explain.

This isn't about love at all! It's about addiction! If I were telling her directly I would say this. You love him the same way an alcoholic loves alcohol or a drug addict loves heroin. You don't know what love is. All you know about is the temporary high that comes from your contact with him. He's a habit and even though every encounter with him leads to worse and worse feelings you keep coming back for more.

There is no way you can save this marriage. He is obviously a narcissist or a sex addict or both. If you're honest with yourself you know that you're dependent on him. You might have loved him once with the kind of falling in love energy that comes more from your hormones than anything else. He might even have been attracted to you then too, but I rather doubt it. In any case, he's been seeking other women since the honeymoon was over 11 years ago.

The question now is can you save yourself? Recovery from any addiction is a long and difficult path. The first step is to give up the addictive substance. That means ending this marriage! It won't be easy to do on your own so get help where ever you can. That can be from parents, friends or a safe house depending on your resources. At the very least you need to do this to protect her daughter.

Instead of focusing on how to control your husband's behavior which is impossible short of putting him in jail, you need to focus on your own. You can start by reading "Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?" by Brenda Schaeffer. You will need psychotherapy or counseling. Many women's shelters allow women who are living in the community at large to attend their programs. If you can't afford private therapy, look for help at a community mental health center.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

Children make up stories about scary monsters to keep them from doing things they're not supposed to do. For example if there's a monster under the bed, they stay in bed instead of getting up and being repeatedly disciplined by their parents. Of course if they make up monsters that are too scary then they wind up calling for help anyway. This is a mixed blessing. It gets some attention, but it also annoys their parents.

Are you looking for attention and reassurance by sharing your story with your spouse and begging to be told it's not true? Are you making up a story that your husband or wife thinks someone else is prettier or more interesting than you are? You could share that story to get reassurance that he or she still likes you best.

Or are you trying to protect yourself? Frequently spouses make up stories that their husbands or wives would be angry if they took a particular action.

A woman might tell herself that her husband would be angry if she quit her job to go back to school and learn a new skill. She's actually very ambivalent about taking the risk of struggling to learn the skill, so as long as she tells herself that she can't do it because he'd get angry, then she doesn't have to take the risk of trying something new that she might not succeed in doing.

A man might tell himself that his wife would be angry if he joined an after work basketball team. He knows he needs the exercise but would really rather be a couch potato. By scaring himself with the story, he doesn't have to take responsibility for not getting enough exercise. It becomes his wife's fault.

In any case, the reason for making up false stuff is avoiding having a conversation with your spouse about what's really important to you. It might be that you're not even sure about what's important to you and need to figure that out before you can ask for anything.

If you really want to save your marriage it's critical that you learn to have those scary but important conversations. My clients with successful, happy marriages do this by using The Being Happy Program http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . So if you're really serious about saving your marriage get started that program right away.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

The reason may have nothing to do with you. He may be facing some sort difficult challenge and be depressed because he feels powerless to manage it. Men have a hard time talking about their feelings and sometimes the mounting pressure leads to depression. Is he withdrawing from everybody or just from you?

He could be withdrawing from you because you have done or said something that he doesn't like and he doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Sometimes it's something physical like gaining weight or not taking good care of yourself. Maybe he feels that you're pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do or not leaving him enough personal time and space. Sometimes a pattern develops when one spouse feels smothered and wants space and causes the other to feel abandoned and act clingy.

It's also possible that something worse is going on. He could be having an affair with someone else and getting his physical closeness there. He could be bored and angry or feel trapped. He could be spending his time watching pornography on the Internet.

If you haven't asked him about why this behavior has changed, you can start there. Since he's withdrawing he may not answer your question. You need to start to notice anything that's a possible clue to his behavior. It's easy to not pay attention to things we don't really want to know about so this may not be easy. Do it anyway.

A marriage counselor can help you both understand what's going on and what to do about it. A step you can try before you see a counselor is to learn to act differently yourself.  "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is filled with useful information about how to do this. You can get your copy at http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com .

Read Kirsten's complete letter here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111231200443AA54i96

I told her this:

Kristen,

You are married to an alcoholic. Whether or not he's drinking he is still an alcoholic. Alcoholism can be viewed as a progressive disease. It doesn't go away. Before you can make any kind of a decision you need information about this disease and what it's like to live with someone who may always be one drink away from serious trouble.

The place to get this information is Al-Anon. This is a group for people who are in relationship with an alcoholic. It's free and meetings are available almost everywhere.

Website description: “The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.” 

Be clear that recovery that does not mean cure, but it does mean that people with this disease can live rich and rewarding lives as long as they pay attention to certain guidelines. If you decide to stay and he decides to follow the guidelines, there can be a lot of growth for both of you.

Talking to other people who are facing similar challenges will help you de-stress and think more clearly about your situation. Get to a meeting as soon as you can. You won't regret it.

Here is a link to the Al-Anon website description. www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html  Look on the bottom of the box for the link "How to Locate a Meeting"

If you decide to stay married, you will find information about building your marriage at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

Deciding To Leave A Problem Marriage

She's wondering whether it's wrong to leave this problem marriage.

She married him because she was in love, pregnant, Christians were telling her it was the moral thing to do and she was bribed. During the past seven years she has tried to get him to go to counseling, repeatedly asked for a divorce, been lured back to the marriage after she's left, and now he's promising to change — one more time. She says her kids are being put in harm’s way.

I don't have details, but from the rambling description she wrote, I strongly suspect that the mistreatment she alludes to should be called abuse. Read her words http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111225084126AAsPF4q and decide whether you agree with my answer.

It's never wrong to leave an abusive relationship. I'm reading between the lines here, but after 40 years as a marriage counselor I see too many signs of a cycle of abuse to ignore them. It sounds as if you had been in an emotionally abusive relationship that has degenerated into a physically abusive one.

The signs I am reading are that you have tried repeatedly to leave this marriage and being lured back by promises of good behavior that have never really materialized.

You said, “He knows he screwed up but he still wants to try and work on it. He said that 2 years ago and he said that last month. He has never shown signs of truly changing…”

I can't tell you how many abused women I've heard say the same thing. Every time an incident happens and you threaten to leave, he promises to reform. The reform lasts a very short time and then the negative behavior resumes and gets worse. You seem to be describing exactly this cycle.

It often takes women many tries to get out of a relationship like this. Some never do and wind up that badly hurt or even dead. Leaving can be dangerous, so take precautions for your physical safety. Check out the National Domestic Violence Hot Line www.thehotline.org for help.

It isn't wrong to walk out an abusive seven year marriage. Get out now. You owe it to yourself and your children.

This is how I answered her question:

Would you be asking these questions if your husband was acting this way because he had a serious they physical illness? My guess is you wouldn't. You'd be scared and upset like you are now but you'd be looking for ways to help him get well. It's entirely possible that he is suffering from an illness — an emotional one.

Depression in men often shows up as the kind of angry, blaming, emotionally abusive behavior you're describing. And depression could be his response to the stress of your situation.

Since you have had a good relationship for a long time and you do love him, don't give up without trying to get him the help he needs. If possible, he should see a doctor who can check out the reasons that his behavior has changed so drastically. If depression is the problem, medication can help.

You might be able to help by trying to get him to talk about his fears about the future. Many men think they shouldn't be afraid and are ashamed to talk about it so this could be a real challenge. Don't give up, you do have a chance to save your marriage.

At the very least don't allow yourself to stay and be berated. Tell him quietly but firmly that if he continues to talk to you that way you won't stay in the room. Then follow through. Tell him you'll be back 15 minutes and then go to another room and do something else to distract yourself while he cools off.

Resources: You’ll find information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

A young woman is trying to figure out who she should marry. One boy is willing to marry her now, even though he knows about her past relationship and her parents are looking for a different boy. You can see her question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111216052631AAwUZLN

I didn't really answer the question she asked, but I don't think she's ready to get married at all.

You haven't said a word about what you want to do. You have not said anything at all about whether you want to get married or why. All you have talked about is what you should do. If you marry anyone right now it's unlikely that your marriage will be successful or long-lasting.

You need to figure out what you want out of life before you make this kind of commitment. Marriages work best when women marry men rather than when girls marry boys.

I've just finished a project of asking many women what they wished they knew before getting married. Most of them wished that they had known more about what marriage is really like. Many wished that they had known more about themselves before they got married. Others wish they hadn't been in such a hurry to get married.

Start by thinking about what you're really good at and at what you like to do best. Then talk to your school counselor or your favorite teacher about what you can learn to do in order to become an independent young woman who is ready to take charge of her own life.

I suggest you read my upcoming book, “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do.” You can learn more about it at  http://www.facebook.com/99ThingsWomenWishTheyKnewBeforeSayingIDo

They've been married for eight years and fighting constantly for the last three months. She can't let go of her anger and bad feelings any longer. Counseling is not an option. He says it's all her fault. She says, "I am so done." I think their marriage still has a chance of success. Here's what I told her.

[You can find the original question at http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111211185506AAFYM7m]

When you're constantly fighting your situation can only go from bad to worse. Nothing is going to get solved by these arguments. You are into an ugly cycle that can be broken.

Three months feels like forever but it really isn't much if you've had eight years together. When you don't have skills to clear up little problems and resentments they built up and finally explode. That's what's happening now.

You're complaining that he has stopped listening to you. That's absolutely true and what's also true is that you have stopped listening to him. You can't change him. You are the only one you can change right now.

There are ways to learn the skills you need without a marriage counselor, but first you have to stop the constant fighting. Since it takes two people to fight and he isn't about to stop, you need to take control. You can do it by learning to think instead of react. Believe it or not, it's possible to think even when you're very angry.

Here are three steps to help you get started.

1. As soon as you feel a fight starting say, "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom." Then go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the water and take 10 slow, deep breaths. Think about what you think he is angry about. Leave the bathroom.

2. As calmly as you can say, "Are you angry because (fill in the blank with your guess)?"

3. Listen to whatever he says in response and then say, "Is there something you would like me to do about that?"

This will break the cycle of fighting and open a conversation about what he wants. Listen carefully and you may find that you're sympathetic and want to help him. Once he feels heard he may even be willing to listen to you.

In any case, you will both probably feel a lot better about each other and start solving other problems together.

You can find more information about how to save your marriage without a marriage counselor at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com

A narcissist is a self-centered person without a normal conscience who believes and acts as if he (or she) is the only person in the world who is important.

This is a problem women are sharing in my upcoming book, “99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying I Do” and I recently posted this answer to the question on a website.

This is an incredibly important question and a very challenging problem. If you are in this kind of relationship you have been torn down and made to believe all problems are your fault. Besides that, the charming narcissist may have separated you from your family and friends or convinced them that he is perfect and you're the problem.

Your physical safety is a primary problem. If he has made threats, take appropriate precautions. You'll need all the support available from friends, family, professionals and even a Women's Shelter. 

Don't get discouraged. Many women make several attempts before they actually escape.

Dr. Laurie

Jason’s 2^nd Letter

 Hey this is Jason from Slovakia; feel free to post my message anywhere you want.

 If something happens during these days that I would have to make rash decisions I would like to get some more advice from you. Thanks for all the advice you gave me earlier by the way.

 I would just want to comment on one advice you gave me about taking several years for me and Marie to go into a relationship. I know you’re an expert but several years like let's say 4 are just way too long.

 We have a history together and planed a future together. It's hard for me to explain what we had. We are young, but I know allot of people who date, are in a relationship etc. but I could never compare our relationship with any of them. It was much more different.

 A lot of others had arguments, didn't care that much for one another … and when it comes to us, we had to be patient every day and only type through internet without the feel of a touch.  And when that day finally came, it was a '' BIG BANG '' just to feel, see and kiss each other.

When the day came to an end, tears were falling most of the time as the cycle repeats itself. So you see it isn't all that I couldn't move on from a girl. It’s because the bond was tremendous.

Right now I'm following the book '' THE MAGIC OF MAKING UP '' written by T.W Jackson, you might have heard of it.  It has given me so much confidence and hope that I can't leave behind. It also says to be prepared to let go before I see her again.

So by that time I must prepare myself if it isn't the right time. This is a real grab to the heart and the hardest step. If you could send me another reply I would be happy to hear more from you and would want to read from some of your people that got together and their story.

 Response #2

Dear Jason,

I am glad that you have the book to help you. Letting go is the key and I know it is a real challenge. I found two quotes about letting go that may be helpful. One is very old…

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be as harmful as neglect.

Alison Willcocks adds: This ancient Chinese proverb articulates a powerful truth http://www.globalideasbank.org/Tips/TipJan27.html

This one is written more recently.

Don't hold the butterfly too tight, or he will struggle to be free…

Letting go of love, letting the butterfly go free.
Don't grasp it in your hands or it will die.
Hold the love and laughter within your heart. (more)http://www.flickr.com/photos/n2kmp/3751591375/

As long as you keep growing and learning you will do fine. You’ll find that both joy and disappointment are necessary parts of life and everyone needs to manage both.

Warmly,

Laurie