I don’t think we are all programmed to get married but it definitely sounds like Missy is. As she approached her 22^nd birthday she wondered half-seriously if the strange obsessive thoughts of going out and finding a serious relationship meant she was going crazy. After being so occupied with studying and working she felt ridiculous but kept wondering if it really was time for her to get married.

There are several different ways to get programmed to be married.

·         The first is biological. Your selfish genes program you with an urge to reproduce.

·         The second is cultural. You are surrounded with images of married couples. Even the US tax law favors marriage.

·         The third is family. If you grow up in a family where your parents are married you expect to be married too.

·         The fourth is individual. If your mother, your sisters, your cousins and your friends all got married by the time they were 25 you'll feel that you should too.

However, if you get married just because of your programming, you're likely to regret it later.

In a recently completed unscientific research project in which about 70 women answered my question, "What do you wish you had known before you got married?" many of them wished they had waited instead of responding to their own impulses. Several of them even had second thoughts before the ceremony took place and wished that they had backed out at the last minute.

You’ll find the organized results of my research project in my new book, 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before®… Saying “I Do” . If you are really interested in what women really think about getting and staying married get your copy now.

So Missy is not going crazy. She's experiencing the results of her own programming to make a major decision before she's ready to do so. She isn’t the only one: it’s a common problem. The signals are definitely a good way to call her attention to the question of whether she wants to get married, under what conditions and when. This would be a good time to start looking at what she wants to do with her life and even to start exploring relationships.

When she does that her obsessive thoughts may diminish pretty quickly. If they continue to bother her there are many new energy therapy techniques such as Emotional Freedom Technique and  Logosynthesis that can help to eradicate those distracting thoughts.

When you tried everything to save your marriage, it is time to go back to basics. By basics I mean what do you say and do with each other from moment to moment. You need to look at this almost one sentence at a time. What you're looking for are the patterns of recognition or stroking patterns that are the foundation of your relationship.

You may have heard about strokes as the warm fuzzies and cold pricklies you exchange when you talk to each other. A warm fuzzy is something you do or say that leaves someone else with warm and fuzzy feeling. A cold prickly is something you do or say that leaves someone else feeling uncomfortable, cold, prickly. This sounds like and fun but the concept of strokes is quite profound. Research has shown we need attention from each other on a very basic and fundamental level. Without it people can literally die.

Both kinds of strokes, the positive ones that feel good and the negative ones that feel bad have value to help an individual survive. On some level we all know this and while most people prefer strokes that feel good, if those aren't available we do what's necessary to get the strokes that feel bad. When nothing has worked to save your marriage I have to suspect that getting stuck giving each other strokes that feel bad is your main interaction with each other.

You each need strokes so badly that you tend to repeat whatever works to get other people to pay attention to you. On a very simple level this might look like forgetting that your husband or wife likes the cap put on the toothpaste tube. Every time you do that you are guaranteed a reaction that proves that your spouse has noticed you. The reaction doesn't feel good, but at least you've been noticed.

Repeating this pattern hundreds of times a day is a recipe for unhappiness. The way either one of you can start to switch the pattern is to stop giving negative strokes cold turkey. That means no more cold prickly for anything negative. Start noticing even very tiny positive things and say nice things about them to your spouse. You can even say nice things like "I love you" for no reason at all.

Start the day by putting 10 pennies in your left-hand pocket and every time you say something nice to your husband or wife switch one penny to your right-hand pocket. It will make a difference and probably very quickly.

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People ask, "What can I do to save my parents’ marriage? How can I save my brother's marriage? Can I help my girlfriend save her marriage?" The real question is can you do anything to help somebody else whose marriage is in trouble. The answer is maybe.

The problem is how you can help without becoming a stuck in the situation yourself? Let me explain. Most marriage problems involve a power struggle. Participants manipulate each other each other into taking the position of persecutor, a rescuer or a victim. Each tries to prove that he or she is right and the other is wrong.

If you attempt to help without being aware of that situation, you will quickly be recruited into taking one of those roles yourself. Not only will you be ineffective, but you are also likely to be blamed for making matters worse. To really help you need to approach the situation very carefully and consider these questions.

Has anyone in this troubled marriage asked for help? If the answer is yes, the first thing to do is to clarify what kind of help is wanted. If the answer is no, go on to the next question.

Do you want to offer your help? If the answer is yes, caution is required. Your first offer might be an offer to talk about a problem or situation that you have noticed. If the answer is no, stop here. Going forward will make you a part of the struggle. If your offer is accepted then you must still clarify what kind of help is wanted.

Once you have clarified what help is wanted, you must figure out whether you have the resources to provide what is wanted. This depends on your experiences and your skill.

You might be able to be a sympathetic listener. In that case listen without making suggestions. This is a real challenge but offering someone a chance to talk something through can be a real gift. You might also be able to help find appropriate resources that you can’t provide yourself like a referral to a marriage counselor or other support system. You might be able to help with childcare during a counseling session or even to pay for something the couple could not afford by themselves.

Whatever you do, be careful not to try to provide help you aren’t qualified to give. One last caution is to never put more energy into solving a problem than the person who has the problem in the first place.

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It's hard to save your marriage by giving your husband information that you think he needs. It's especially hard when you know that the information is right in that self-help book you just read and he is not the least bit interested in reading it. This is what John Bradshaw called "chasing your spouse around the house with a self-help book."

You can give somebody a gift of lots of useful information that will do no good at all unless he's willing to accept it. I'm sure you know that or you wouldn't have asked the question. The real problem here is that something is wrong and you think that if only your husband understood what it was, he would change — automatically. He won't, but you do have options.

The most useful thing I have ever seen one partner in a marriage do when the other was unwilling to change was to act as if the problem was her own. Once she took responsibility for her part in the ongoing problem she could do something to change her own behavior. Often applying the information that she wanted her husband to use helped a lot.

It works this way. You think that he isn't listening to you and that if he would only do that then you could talk about what's really important in your marriage would improve. You may be absolutely right, but being right doesn't help much at all. The most important thing you can do here is to turn around the responsibility for the problem and examine all the ways in which you are not listening to him.

It might be those times when he comes into the room, says something, and you're concentrating on cooking or texting or responding to an e-mail and you say uh huh without really paying attention to what he's saying. Just for a week try stopping what you're doing, turning to him and having a focused conversation about what he is saying. He'll be surprised and you may learn something about him that surprises you also.

That small change in the pattern of how you communicate with each other will open the door to new ways of communicating that may very well help you save your marriage.

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Many people believe that either both partners must be actively involved in order to save a marriage or that one of them must completely give up his or her individual position and do whatever the other demands. I don’t think this is necessarily true. Sometimes just one spouse can indeed save the marriage. Here’s why.

A troubled marriage, especially in the power struggle stage, usually involves a repetitive pattern in which each partner tries to prove that he or she is “right” and the other is “wrong.” Conversations regularly deteriorate into arguments that are circular, predictable and frustrating. Both spouses feel badly and each blames the other for the situation. Common themes I hear in initial marriage counseling are that “If only s/he would change everything would be all right.”  Or, “We just can’t communicate.”

It only takes one person, acting alone, to change the frustrating pattern. If s/he doesn’t give the expected response to an invitation to argue then pattern of the argument is broken and something different happens. Here is an example.

Jim was referred to me for coaching because his work was not up to par. When I asked him why he told me he was so worried about his marriage that he just couldn’t concentrate. He told me that his wife just wasn’t holding up her end of the bargain to take care of their household responsibilities and no matter what he told her about what she was doing wrong she did less and less. He was doing all the shopping, cooking and cleaning as well as working while she watched TV all day.

I had him experiment with making just one change. He agreed to stop telling her what she was doing wrong and only tell her about what she was doing right. (She still did a few things right.) He did and within a few days things began to change. Within a week she took back her responsibilities and he could concentrate again. Their sex life improved, too.

It only took one determined person to change his own pattern and save that marriage. You may need to be a detective to figure out one thing you can do differently to interrupt negative patterns in your marriage. I will give you one more hint: Stop blaming your spouse for what is wrong and think about what you contribute to a negative pattern. Then do something else. If you can’t figure it out for yourself ask a counselor for help.

If you want more detailed info about how to have a happy and successful marriage, check out this meaty Free Report entitled "Save Your Marriage: Questions You Need Answered to Reconnect and Feel Loved" – Claim Your Copy Here – Free! www.BeingHappyProgram.com/Mini_Report3.pdf

She is considering having another baby to try to save her marriage. Does she have a chance?

Read about it HERE (Scroll down).