When things seem to be going wrong in your marriage, it’s easy to tell yourself stories about the reason for the problem. The problem with these stories is that they may or may not have anything to do with what’s really going on. The real challenge is to figure out what you need to know and find a way to ask your spouse to answer your questions.

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This question comes from a woman who's been married for 12 years and wants to keep a man whom she calls a good-looking womanizer. She's upset because she found unmistakable evidence of his sexual relationship with another woman in their apartment while she and their 11-year-old daughter were away on a five week visit to her parents. She says she loves him. I say it's a fatal attraction. Let me explain.

This isn't about love at all! It's about addiction! If I were telling her directly I would say this. You love him the same way an alcoholic loves alcohol or a drug addict loves heroin. You don't know what love is. All you know about is the temporary high that comes from your contact with him. He's a habit and even though every encounter with him leads to worse and worse feelings you keep coming back for more.

There is no way you can save this marriage. He is obviously a narcissist or a sex addict or both. If you're honest with yourself you know that you're dependent on him. You might have loved him once with the kind of falling in love energy that comes more from your hormones than anything else. He might even have been attracted to you then too, but I rather doubt it. In any case, he's been seeking other women since the honeymoon was over 11 years ago.

The question now is can you save yourself? Recovery from any addiction is a long and difficult path. The first step is to give up the addictive substance. That means ending this marriage! It won't be easy to do on your own so get help where ever you can. That can be from parents, friends or a safe house depending on your resources. At the very least you need to do this to protect her daughter.

Instead of focusing on how to control your husband's behavior which is impossible short of putting him in jail, you need to focus on your own. You can start by reading "Is It Love Or Is It Addiction?" by Brenda Schaeffer. You will need psychotherapy or counseling. Many women's shelters allow women who are living in the community at large to attend their programs. If you can't afford private therapy, look for help at a community mental health center.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

Read about it on my new Hub Page, HERE!

Read about it HERE.

Children make up stories about scary monsters to keep them from doing things they're not supposed to do. For example if there's a monster under the bed, they stay in bed instead of getting up and being repeatedly disciplined by their parents. Of course if they make up monsters that are too scary then they wind up calling for help anyway. This is a mixed blessing. It gets some attention, but it also annoys their parents.

Are you looking for attention and reassurance by sharing your story with your spouse and begging to be told it's not true? Are you making up a story that your husband or wife thinks someone else is prettier or more interesting than you are? You could share that story to get reassurance that he or she still likes you best.

Or are you trying to protect yourself? Frequently spouses make up stories that their husbands or wives would be angry if they took a particular action.

A woman might tell herself that her husband would be angry if she quit her job to go back to school and learn a new skill. She's actually very ambivalent about taking the risk of struggling to learn the skill, so as long as she tells herself that she can't do it because he'd get angry, then she doesn't have to take the risk of trying something new that she might not succeed in doing.

A man might tell himself that his wife would be angry if he joined an after work basketball team. He knows he needs the exercise but would really rather be a couch potato. By scaring himself with the story, he doesn't have to take responsibility for not getting enough exercise. It becomes his wife's fault.

In any case, the reason for making up false stuff is avoiding having a conversation with your spouse about what's really important to you. It might be that you're not even sure about what's important to you and need to figure that out before you can ask for anything.

If you really want to save your marriage it's critical that you learn to have those scary but important conversations. My clients with successful, happy marriages do this by using The Being Happy Program http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . So if you're really serious about saving your marriage get started that program right away.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here www.BeingHappyProgram.com/getmarriagereport1.htm

Instead of looking for the source of your unusual philanthropic belief (which I do believe merits psychotherapy), I'm going to treat it as an example of a destructive pattern that frequently occurs in marriages. The pattern involves rescuing, persecuting and feeling like a victim. In some places it's called The Drama Triangle and in others it’s an example of the games people play. Everyone who gets involved in it eventually loses.

In your case the pattern or game starts with your compulsion to rescue somebody who doesn't need or want rescuing. That shows up by doing something for somebody that they didn't ask for, don't need or don't want. Furthermore, by doing it you weaken their ability to ultimately be responsible for themselves. If this sounds familiar, you'll notice that this pattern occurs in many other places including between countries. These rescues fail.

What happens next may vary. In this case you persecute your husband by rescuing needy men. You do this by taking the attention you agreed to give to him in your marriage vows and bestowing it upon another. You feel victimized because your husband doesn't like your behavior. I'm sure that's no surprise to you.

You could also feel victimized because the men on whom you bestow your favors aren't very appreciative. Those who are rescued in this way rarely show appreciation because they somehow know the rescue is a real putdown. In any case you get to feel like a victim while blaming somebody else for your predicament.

A much more common way this pattern shows up in marriages is that a man tries to rescue his wife by telling her how to solve a problem that she has called to his attention. She didn't ask for his help in solving this problem, she just shared it with him. She persecutes him by getting angry at him for assuming that she is incompetent and needs help. He then feels like a victim for trying to help.

As long as you're in this pattern it's impossible to feel close or loving toward each other. It's clear that nobody can win when they fall into the trap of trying to be a rescuer. You won't be able to save your marriage as long as you insist on maintaining your "philanthropy." If you really want to save your marriage you will start by focusing on what you need for yourself instead of what believe other people need. Only then you can begin to communicate with your husband about what kind of marriage you want to create.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free HERE

When you fight you push each other away and disconnect from each other. To make up, like many men, you want physical closeness. That closeness lets you know that you are loved. For many women though, it doesn't work that way at all. Women often need to reconnect in other ways before they feel like allowing physical closeness.

Hugging and kissing her may feel to her as if you want something else from her rather than that you are giving her something. The answer is giving her what she wants first before you try to get what you want. The problem is you probably have no idea what she wants.

Since you don't know, you simply follow the Golden Rule which says to treat others the way you would like to be treated. And that backfires because she needs something different than you do in order to feel loved again. You can save your marriage by using the Platinum Rule which says to treat others the way they would like to be treated.

Different people need different things to feel loved. Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages suggests that there are five different kinds of things people need to feel loved. Some people prefer physical touch, others want words of affirmation, others want acts of service and still others prefer gifts. Each person likes one or two the very best.

You need to find out what your wife's favorites are and give them to her. Then she'll probably be ready to kiss and makeup. Read the book and talk about it. Many people have also found marriage saving strategies at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com . If these things still don’t work, a marriage counselor can help you sort things out.
 

The reason may have nothing to do with you. He may be facing some sort difficult challenge and be depressed because he feels powerless to manage it. Men have a hard time talking about their feelings and sometimes the mounting pressure leads to depression. Is he withdrawing from everybody or just from you?

He could be withdrawing from you because you have done or said something that he doesn't like and he doesn't know how to talk to you about it. Sometimes it's something physical like gaining weight or not taking good care of yourself. Maybe he feels that you're pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do or not leaving him enough personal time and space. Sometimes a pattern develops when one spouse feels smothered and wants space and causes the other to feel abandoned and act clingy.

It's also possible that something worse is going on. He could be having an affair with someone else and getting his physical closeness there. He could be bored and angry or feel trapped. He could be spending his time watching pornography on the Internet.

If you haven't asked him about why this behavior has changed, you can start there. Since he's withdrawing he may not answer your question. You need to start to notice anything that's a possible clue to his behavior. It's easy to not pay attention to things we don't really want to know about so this may not be easy. Do it anyway.

A marriage counselor can help you both understand what's going on and what to do about it. A step you can try before you see a counselor is to learn to act differently yourself.  "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is filled with useful information about how to do this. You can get your copy at http://www.YourGreatRelationships.com .

Read Kirsten's complete letter here:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111231200443AA54i96

I told her this:

Kristen,

You are married to an alcoholic. Whether or not he's drinking he is still an alcoholic. Alcoholism can be viewed as a progressive disease. It doesn't go away. Before you can make any kind of a decision you need information about this disease and what it's like to live with someone who may always be one drink away from serious trouble.

The place to get this information is Al-Anon. This is a group for people who are in relationship with an alcoholic. It's free and meetings are available almost everywhere.

Website description: “The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.” 

Be clear that recovery that does not mean cure, but it does mean that people with this disease can live rich and rewarding lives as long as they pay attention to certain guidelines. If you decide to stay and he decides to follow the guidelines, there can be a lot of growth for both of you.

Talking to other people who are facing similar challenges will help you de-stress and think more clearly about your situation. Get to a meeting as soon as you can. You won't regret it.

Here is a link to the Al-Anon website description. www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html  Look on the bottom of the box for the link "How to Locate a Meeting"

If you decide to stay married, you will find information about building your marriage at http://www.BeingHappyProgram.com