Protect what is important to you. If you have a cherished collection that is yours alone, or a private journal, or tools you use for your own work, it’s fine to set clear boundaries and not allow your partner access to them.

Some people need more privacy than others. It all depends on your personality type and your family background. You may need to have a conversation, and be very explicit about what things are off limits. If your partner understands why those things are private, s/he will be more likely to honor your boundaries.

Your weekly assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Have a conversation about what you each needed to do to protect your own possessions from others when you were a child.
 

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

David has given me permission to share this correspondence with you. His e-mail address contained his first and last name. He agreed to be identified in this way (his own words.)
 
my name is david…i live in the united states in georgia
 
[David prefers to text. I admit I don't know how and I prefer regular American English, but I decided present this in his words.]
 
Sat, May 22, 2010 12:04 pm
To: laureweiss@empowermentsystems.com
i jst found ur ebook and i wnted to ask u sum things about my relationship that i have with my ex rite now. ive tried to contact ayman but for sum reason it nver lets me. i wud lik to but it doesnt let me. cud u helpme out with this problem or cud i talk to u about me and my ex? it wud help thnks
 
I might have realized that he was a teenager at this point, but I missed it. So I responded as if I were responding to an adult. I'm glad that he persisted.
 
Sat, May 22, 2010 3:20:13 PM
Subject: Re: relationship

country and state would be great

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Difficult Communication, Frustration, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

This article was originally published in March, 1976, in The Second Page, a publication of a long-defunct organization called Beyond Divorce Inc. The newsletter was brought to me by a friend, and despite how dated it is I decided to republish it.

If you were born in the 70s, this is the way it was for your parents. If you wondered if I've really been a relationship coach for over 35 years, here's your proof.

The accompanying picture is of me, Laurie Weiss. I was identified as Executive Director of the Rocky Mountain Transactional Analysis Institute and a Teaching Member of the International Transactional Analysis Association.
 

"Is there any way to get acquainted with a man without having sex first? Most guys want to have sex after the first or second date, or the third date for sure, or they tend to terminate the relationship."

Yes, there are many ways to get acquainted with the man without sleeping with him first. It is true, however, that our current subculture strongly supports men wanting to have sex with women a very short time after meeting them.

The reasons for this are very complex. I believe one important factor is that we are systematically taught to accept the idea that grown-ups do not and should not need to be physically touched. We accept the scientifically demonstrated fact that babies need physical stroking in order to survive. We usually respond to small children's request for cuddling, but somehow, as children reach sexual maturity, we stop touching them. (As parents stopped touching us when we were adolescents.) As grown-ups many of us are uncomfortable and uncertain when we experience the need for strokes we've been taught to ignore. We don't even know what we need.

We certainly don't know where to get it, and so we search for something, anything, which will relieve our discomfort. If by chance, we encounter physical touching, we feel better. However, our lives are so arranged that encountering meaningful physical touching is rare.

Most of the ways grown-ups are touched by other grown-ups (without being damaged a fight) can be observed by watching TV for an evening. Men are allowed to touch other men during and immediately after athletic encounters. Men and women are allowed to touch each other briefly in some greeting rituals. Women are allowed to touch other women in highly charged emotional situations. Men and women may be touched by medical practitioners. Men and women are allowed to have sexual relations with each other (as long as it's done off the TV screen).

As we grow and are being deprived of other physical strokes, we learn that sex is a culturally acceptable way of being close to others. Since sexual encounters provide many physical strokes, these encounters relieve the discomfort we experience when we do not get an adequate supply of physical contact with others.

We learned to equate sexual needs with stroking needs and then get into the complicated circular situation you described in your question. Sex manuals in the 50's were cautioning men that women need lots of physical strokes before they would be ready for lovemaking. Men, on the other hand, were expected to be ready instantly. Even during sexual encounters men didn't have the opportunity to get many physical strokes for themselves and although sexual needs were satisfied the stroking needs were only partially satisfied.

Women were likely to have a large part of their stroking needs met during the day when men were trying to arouse them to want sex. Therefore, men were in the position of urging women to sleep with them in order to even partially satisfy a need for strokes they were not even aware of having.

Many of the rules about sex have changed since the 50's. However, the basic problem of grown-ups having limited opportunities for meaningful physical strokes remains. Recent newspaper articles reported that men are acknowledging needs for nonsexual touching. As those needs become acceptable the general problem you describe may gradually disappear.

Meanwhile you might experiment with sharing physical touching with men you meet and delaying sleeping together until you feel comfortable about doing it.

If you enjoyed this article, Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week will provide you with much more information that I believe will be useful to you.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care, Sex

Rosanne has given me permission to share this correspondence with you.

Thursday, 7th Hi Laurie, How does a relationship rebuild trust? My former fiancé and I had been together four and a half years when I sensed something was wrong, different, not right.

So I questioned, who he was talking to, he lied to my face denying everything. Saying that I was being crazy.

Well My fiancé (at the time) had been going behind my back and talking, texting, and emailing (from his work account) his cousin's ex-wife for over a month. During this time he proceeded to take her on a lunch date (during work hours), to the first place we had a date, and using cash from our joint checking account.

I did not learn about the lunch date from him. She called me the day I found out telling me how 'its not a big deal' etc etc.

Well needless to say I ended the engagement, moved into an apartment and tried not speaking with him.

Can this be repaired? I do not have any trust in him. He says that it was not physical, but he was emotionally cheating on me.

Thank you so much, in advance!

Rosanne ************ Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

Do whatever makes you feel vibrant and alive, even if you need to do it alone.

When you feel vibrant and alive, you are attractive to your partner and to others. Doing necessary activities often make you lose track of doing those important activities that contribute to your emotional and spiritual well-being.

Making time for special things may seem selfish. It’s not. The long-term benefits are worth it.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it:

Each of you make a list of twenty-five things you love to do. Then note how long it has been since you’ve done each of them.

Discuss your lists with each other, and create a list of things you would like to do together.

Choose something from the remaining items on your own list, and make a plan about when you can do that, too.

This is an excerpt from Being Happy Together: How to Have a Fabulous Relationship With Your Life Partner in Less Than an Hour a Week, by Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

Now that you’ve decided to divorce, you probably think that seeing couples’ counselors is complete waste of money. Well I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Seeing a counselor now while you’re in the midst of this turmoil will actually save you money in the long run.

The simple truth is that getting a divorce is not just a legal matter. No matter how clear you think you are, at some point during the process your emotions are likely to overwhelm your ability to think clearly and take care of yourself.

Instead of letting your lawyer do his or her job of managing the details you’re going to say something like, “After all she/he has put me through, I deserve _______.” Even if you fully intend to be fair, your soon to be ex spouse will make what you think is a completely unreasonable demand and you’ll come unglued.

You’ll be overwhelmed with fury or grief and think it’s about what’s happening now. But it will really be about what’s going on now and so much more.

Your lawyer dreads this part because either you become unreasonable and demand impossible things, or you become totally compliant and will agree to anything just to get away from the mess. Your lawyer knows this isn’t good for you and tries to convince you to settle down so that you can be properly represented.

Your attorney isn’t trained to help you manage your emotional outbursts and tries to logically explain what is and isn’t possible during a divorce. Or your lawyer will try to comply with your wishes and ask for something that inflames the other side. In either case you’ll be running up unnecessary attorney’s fees in an attempt to solve emotional issues.

Counseling rates are a lot less than legal fees. A good counselor knows how to help you communicate and understand the emotions you’re both feeling about ending what was once a dream of having a life together.

Seeing a couples’ counselor throughout the divorce process lets you use the rational parts of yourself to communicate about those emotions and understand where the unreasonable pressure is coming from. Often understanding your pain and knowing you’ve been understood is what it takes to become reasonable again. You can agree on what you want your lawyers to accomplish and let them do their jobs quickly and effectively.

Not only will it save you money in the long run, it will make it easier for you to accomplish and necessary communications after the divorce is complete.

More about Laurie Weiss

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Communication, Difficult Communication, Divorce, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

She married him for better or for worse but not for lunch.

It all started when I found a delightful gentleman in his mid-70s waiting outside my front door early one morning. He dropped by because his wife told him he needed fixing. That’s often the way couples come in; one says that the other is broken. They usually make an appointment instead of just dropping by.

He knew that she was angry because a few days earlier she had demanded that he leave the house. He told me she said, “Go!” He dutifully left but couldn’t really figure out why she was so upset. He tried to spend the night in his car, the police found him and chastised him and he finally went to an inexpensive motel even though he was outraged by the price.

We decided that since he still couldn’t understand why she was so angry at him we had better ask her specifically, what about him needed fixing.

She agreed to a joint appointment with the understanding that Continue reading »

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, CoDependency, Communication, Relationship Advice, Self Care

Are you a woman who has moments when you sometimes want to murder your loving husband because he agrees to do everything you ask him to do and then somehow never seems to get it done?

It’s even more frustrating when you gather your courage to talk to him once more, and he promises he’ll finish the taxes, or fix the leaky faucet, or paint the bathroom, or organize the sports equipment in the garage.

And then he has a really good reason why he can’t do it when he promised – or he just forgets – or he gets it almost done but leaves one critical piece [like calling when he'll be late].

Well, get ready to celebrate because I’m about to reveal the almost magical secret that will not only get those jobs completed but get you out of the nag role. And, relax, it doesn’t involve doing the job yourself.

By the way, this secret works with kids, committee members and service people as well as husbands.

Best of all, you can use it any time during the process of “promise to do something, forget, remind, forget, remind, make excuses, remind, etc.!”

It may seem kind of silly or unnecessary, but believe me, when you do it, it nearly always works. It does involve some record keeping and being willing to take a firm stand and not cave in.

It could be called a power play on your part, but that’s okay – it will be completely on the up and up because you’ll tell him in advance exactly what you’re going to do.

Next time you’re ready to remind him about the undone task, use this process.

1. Ask him for a firm agreement – day and time – when the job will be done.
2. Figure out who else could do the job – a handyman? A tax preparation service? The teenager next door? A plumbing service? – And how much it will cost. Resolve to take the money from a source your husband will notice but won’t be too tough on anyone – like your grocery budget – it’s okay to serve beans for a week or forgo your regular night out to pay to get the task done.
3. Tell him what you plan to do if he doesn’t keep his agreement.
4. When the deadline approaches, remind him of your plan.
5. If he misses the deadline, bite the bullet and carry out your plan. Usually, you’ll only need to do this once to convince your husband that you expect him to keep his promises.

Of course, it could lead to a discussion of making more realistic agreements or creating a priority list of which things are really important or even a plan about what to keep and what to outsource.

So gather up your courage. I really want you to get this: Nagging and being frustrated is not the solution to getting him to keep his promises. Simply follow the steps I’ve given you, and you’ll be on your way to creating a new way to solve problems together.

More about Laurie Weiss

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, Communication, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care

After 25 years of trying to please him, one of my clients is divorcing a selfish, narcissistic man she has known all her life. She knew he had an abusive streak when she married him.

He had raped her three years before the wedding — when she was a college student. It was a date rape – she protested but decided it was her fault because she got physically close to him to comfort him. Since she had vowed to be a virgin when she married, she decided the only option she had been to stick with him. After the rape, she continued to have sex when he demanded it, even though she protested and begged him to ease up.

Not surprisingly, the divorce is a mess. His frequent irrational verbal and email attacks leave her in tears.

She continues to choose men who refused to count her needs. She won’t even count her own needs herself. Whenever someone protests that their needs are more important than hers — a teenage child, a lover, and even her first incompetent lawyer — she resists at first and then gives in.

Update:

Idealistically, as a young teenager, she decided it was her role to serve others. In our work together she has reconsidered that decision. Her new decision is that she is neither more nor less important as important as other people.

That re-decision has made all the difference.

In the months since she has revised her earlier decision a new attorney has helped her complete the divorce proceedings. She usually remembers to count her own needs before she promises to extend herself for other people. And she has started a new relationship with a kind and generous man who treats her well.

Is this you? “I don’t need therapy, but I could use some advice about…”

written by Laurie Weiss \\ tags: Boundaries, CoDependency, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Self Care