How Do I Fix My Marriage?

He says he'll do anything to fix his marriage. He knows he made a mistake. She left and says she'll come back if he gets counseling. The problem is that he is still feeling resentful that she won't take responsibility for the problems in their marriage.

You can see his entire question here: This is my answer.

If you would do truly anything to fix it, then get counseling now, not soon. You're not likely to find peace of mind about this for a while. You have a lot to learn about relationships and you're just getting started. Counseling, whether or not she comes along, should be useful for you.

It takes a lot of work to grow a relationship. It takes learning to talk about problems that you're experiencing without blaming your partner for what's wrong. Whenever you blame someone you're likely to get a defensive response. When you don't have the conversation at all, your resentment builds and you do dumb things like having an online chat with an old flirt.

Apparently this all started because you were not getting as much closeness (including sexual intimacy) as you wanted. Maybe she was getting more than she was comfortable having. Or maybe she was building resentment about other things and that led her to not want to be close to you. I certainly don't know.

What I do know is that if you can't learn to talk to each other without blaming each other for problems you won't get very far. Counseling can help you learn to have those conversations. So can some of the materials available for healing relationships.

A tip from my booklet, "124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship" is: "Expect the closeness and distance you experience with your partner to vary from hour to hour, day to day and season to season. People experienced enough closeness much as they experience enough food – any more leads to discomfort. We all have different capacities."

You need this kind of information in order to build a relationship.

"124 Tips for Having a Great Relationship"

24 free tips and additional information about how to save your marriage are available at

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