How Can I Save My Marriage While Remaining True To My Philanthropic Beliefs?

When you define your philanthropic beliefs as a moral responsibility to rescue men from their sexless marriages by having sex with every needy man you can find, I really question whether you want to save your marriage. I had trouble taking this question seriously until I found a question from a man who wanted to save his marriage after he found his wife having sex with a most unlikely character. His wife could have been you or someone very much like you.

Instead of looking for the source of your unusual philanthropic belief (which I do believe merits psychotherapy), I'm going to treat it as an example of a destructive pattern that frequently occurs in marriages. The pattern involves rescuing, persecuting and feeling like a victim. In some places it's called The Drama Triangle and in others it’s an example of the games people play. Everyone who gets involved in it eventually loses.

In your case the pattern or game starts with your compulsion to rescue somebody who doesn't need or want rescuing. That shows up by doing something for somebody that they didn't ask for, don't need or don't want. Furthermore, by doing it you weaken their ability to ultimately be responsible for themselves. If this sounds familiar, you'll notice that this pattern occurs in many other places including between countries. These rescues fail.

What happens next may vary. In this case you persecute your husband by rescuing needy men. You do this by taking the attention you agreed to give to him in your marriage vows and bestowing it upon another. You feel victimized because your husband doesn't like your behavior. I'm sure that's no surprise to you.

You could also feel victimized because the men on whom you bestow your favors aren't very appreciative. Those who are rescued in this way rarely show appreciation because they somehow know the rescue is a real putdown. In any case you get to feel like a victim while blaming somebody else for your predicament.

A much more common way this pattern shows up in marriages is that a man tries to rescue his wife by telling her how to solve a problem that she has called to his attention. She didn't ask for his help in solving this problem, she just shared it with him. She persecutes him by getting angry at him for assuming that she is incompetent and needs help. He then feels like a victim for trying to help.

As long as you're in this pattern it's impossible to feel close or loving toward each other. It's clear that nobody can win when they fall into the trap of trying to be a rescuer. You won't be able to save your marriage as long as you insist on maintaining your "philanthropy." If you really want to save your marriage you will start by focusing on what you need for yourself instead of what believe other people need. Only then you can begin to communicate with your husband about what kind of marriage you want to create.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free HERE

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