How Do I Save My Marriage From My Thinking That False Stuff Is Happening?

When you want to save a marriage and you're doing something to destroy it you need to figure out the purpose of your self-destructive behavior. When you think the false stuff is happening, some part of you knows that you are responsible for making up a story that may or may not be true. What do you accomplish by thinking it’s true?

Children make up stories about scary monsters to keep them from doing things they're not supposed to do. For example if there's a monster under the bed, they stay in bed instead of getting up and being repeatedly disciplined by their parents. Of course if they make up monsters that are too scary then they wind up calling for help anyway. This is a mixed blessing. It gets some attention, but it also annoys their parents.

Are you looking for attention and reassurance by sharing your story with your spouse and begging to be told it's not true? Are you making up a story that your husband or wife thinks someone else is prettier or more interesting than you are? You could share that story to get reassurance that he or she still likes you best.

Or are you trying to protect yourself? Frequently spouses make up stories that their husbands or wives would be angry if they took a particular action.

A woman might tell herself that her husband would be angry if she quit her job to go back to school and learn a new skill. She's actually very ambivalent about taking the risk of struggling to learn the skill, so as long as she tells herself that she can't do it because he'd get angry, then she doesn't have to take the risk of trying something new that she might not succeed in doing.

A man might tell himself that his wife would be angry if he joined an after work basketball team. He knows he needs the exercise but would really rather be a couch potato. By scaring himself with the story, he doesn't have to take responsibility for not getting enough exercise. It becomes his wife's fault.

In any case, the reason for making up false stuff is avoiding having a conversation with your spouse about what's really important to you. It might be that you're not even sure about what's important to you and need to figure that out before you can ask for anything.

If you really want to save your marriage it's critical that you learn to have those scary but important conversations. My clients with successful, happy marriages do this by using The Being Happy Program . So if you're really serious about saving your marriage get started that program right away.

Hey, by the way… Here's something I think will really interest you. It's a *very* meaty Free Special Report all about 5 frequently asked questions about troubled relationships. It's titled "How To Save Your Marriage: Insider Secrets For Anxious Wives and Frustrated Husbands " and you can grab it for free here

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